So angry.

[bordergurl72]

Sometimes I feel like I am ok, and other times I am sad, and other times I am so angry, like I am today. It really hurts

I had my daughter over 6 1/2 years ago, and thankfully, she was born small, but healthy (and has since then caught up in size). And she is perfect. I am so very grateful for her, and realize that many people are not so lucky.

But it is almost 7 years later and while I have much less anxiety about most things than I did for the first couple of years after HELLP, I still suffer from PTSD. I would love, love, love to have another, but the thought sends me in in downward spiral of anxiety. It seems so unfair. I am so desperately envious of those who can have effortless pregnancy after pregnancy. People who don't worry, who have home births as effortlessly as choosing what wallpaper to use in their bathroom. I am envious of people who discover they are pregnant and can't contain their elation of the next 9 months. People who think pregnancy is a celebration and not an illness.

I am angry that HELLP has robbed me of the things that the majority of women get to experience over and over and over again, if that is what they want. That is has robbed me of the choice.

I have been to specialists. I have received their thoughts on what they think my chances are of experiencing HELLP/PE again. I have had the tests. I have been to therapy. And here I am, I am still terrified, and I am almost 40, and now it is almost too late. It has been over 5 years since my last pregnancy (strike one against me), and to add "advanced" maternal age to my already risky category is not appealing to me. I wasted time being afraid and now it is pretty much too late to do anything even if I wanted.

I apologize if this makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I apologize that I haven't visited here in a while, and then when I do it is a big rant. Some days I just want to cry and scream. I cherish my daughter more than anything in my life, but I wish I could give her a bigger family, I wish I could give myself a bigger family. I guess the desire to have a larger family becomes apparent during the holidays. But, I am so grateful that I have her, because she makes life wonderful. Sometimes I think the emotional scars are worse than the physical ones.

Thank you so much for reading.

[kbielec]

I have the same feelings of anger sometimes, and it took me over 2 years to TTC again after we lost our daughter...and when I finally got pregnant a little over 2 months ago, I lost twins...it's not fair. My husband has 2 lovely children from a previous marriage but we so want to have our own, and for us, his age and mine is making it almost to late.
Don't be so hard on yourself, take it one day at a time...and if you would really like to TTC - go get a few opinions from OB's and MFM's and then see how you feel.
Hang in there.

[brismom]

I can relate.

[ktsl123]

I think a lot of us are in a way angry that we had PE and or Hellp. Life was never meant to be fair. It's all about taking chances to get what you want out of life. Some people are stronger than others and that is for sure. I look at them for courage that I can do what I am attempting to do. I feel that I was meant to have a least one more child and I am going to do it. I am glad that I know a lot of people that have also had struggles in their life and they came out strong in the end. I have family member that were great mothers from what my other family had told me. These Mom's also had tragic losses in their live that they never forgot, but they all love their children and were strong enough to have more after a loss. I have a great Gma that had 14 children total as far as I know she did not have pe, but she had twins that died at birth and another child that died at birth because they did not receive the medical care that we have these days. My other Gma lost 2 babies mid pregnancy, but had 5 sucessful pregnancies. I have a great gma that lost her first child at birth becuase the hospital didn't have the proper medical care. She had 2 other healthy babies after. My husband's Aunt had 10 misscarriages within 4 years, but gave birth to 3 healthy babies. I know sooo many people that have had bad experiences in their life, but they were very very strong and they were able to acheive what they wanted in the end. I feel like in these days many of us are way too niave. Sometimes I feel like those MOm's that had lost a child are stronger than us that have children that survived. They didn't give up and I have seen on these boards that most of these women had normal pregnancies after and it makes me sooooo happy for them. They were sooooo strong. I feel that sometimes you have to say "am I going to be angry for the rest of my life that I didn't at least try? "

[bordergurl72]

That's a good point, I should at least try. And by me being angry, I know I am probably being selfish.

I had my annual GYN check-up today, this is a doctor I have not seen before, and of course I mention possible pregnancy part, and for the first time on this whole journey, she told me, I shouldn't. I was shocked. I would write out the entire thing here, but I just wrote on my blog, and I will be too depressed to write it again, so I hope I am allowed to do this, and just post a link to my blog: http://www.glutenfreemusings.com/2012/0 ... etour.html

thanks for reading.

[Autumn]

I haven't been on this forum for a while either. And I am in the same place you are. Scared. Angry. I tried to put this second pregnancy on hold, I tried not to think about it, but, again, I do want to give a sibling to my son. My husband forced me today to call an high-risk doctor for a consultation, and I did. But I don't even know if and when I'm going to see him.
I feel like everything is so complicated, and I dislike it.

I realized I didn't help you too much, but maybe knowing that there is somebody else in your same situation will sort of make you feel less lonely.

[p1nklemonade]

This is my first post, but I feel the same way you do. I would love another baby, but I am absolutely terrified to be pregnant again. My experience with pre-e has also given me tremendous health anxiety that I'm having a difficult time overcoming, and to add a pregnancy on top of that would just about do me in I think. My husband thinks I'm being ridiculous, which just adds to the anxiety/tension.

[Autumn]

This is my first post, but I feel the same way you do. I would love another baby, but I am absolutely terrified to be pregnant again. My experience with pre-e has also given me tremendous health anxiety that I'm having a difficult time overcoming, and to add a pregnancy on top of that would just about do me in I think. My husband thinks I'm being ridiculous, which just adds to the anxiety/tension.

Paige, it's kind of hard for our husbands understand what we are going thru. It's obvious that they are not the effected people, and to me, being that the body is not theirs and they don't have to be the ones that risk their life makes them totally unaware. I'm not sure if I explained myself though. I am very anxious too.

[tree]

This is my first post, but I feel the same way you do. I would love another baby, but I am absolutely terrified to be pregnant again. My experience with pre-e has also given me tremendous health anxiety that I'm having a difficult time overcoming, and to add a pregnancy on top of that would just about do me in I think. My husband thinks I'm being ridiculous, which just adds to the anxiety/tension.

Paige, it's kind of hard for our husbands understand what we are going thru. It's obvious that they are not the effected people, and to me, being that the body is not theirs and they don't have to be the ones that risk their life makes them totally unaware. I'm not sure if I explained myself though. I am very anxious too.

I think that a lot of us can relate to the anxiety and stress that comes along with considering TTC/pregnancy after HELLP. It really isn't fair. I know that I was terrified to be pregnant again, and now I just kind of don't want to go through it again. Counseling (only a few sessions) really helped me deal with the anxiety and anger and reduce it to a manageable level. It still comes back when we seriously consider TTC, but I think I keep getting better at dealing with it. Please consider this a good place to vent, discuss, and work through this stuff. We all get it, and we are all here for you. If that isn't quite enough for you (like me) you might want to try to talk with your doctor or a counselor about it.
Maybe someone else will chime in with some good thoughts on how to deal with husbands that don't seem to get it yet. Mine is actually more scared than I am because he had to watch the whole mess happen. I was much too sick to care, and he is/was completely terrified. It took a good year to get him to talk about it, but it was a worthwhile effort.

[ktsl123]

I think the hardest thing with PE or HELLP is it's so different from any other disease I can think of because most of the time something good comes out of it ( a beautiful baby). But I think in our heads having a first pregnancy with this disease ruins our idea about giving birth. I feel like I felt like everything in my pregnancy was going to be very textbook. Although I have to say I was terrified about the idea of giving birth because it was such an unknown thing. I have stories from family and friends that had scared the daylights out of me, but I was lucky enough to have an easy birth. So I am thankful for that. Of course husbands or most people couldn't really grasp the scary feeling related to getting pregnant again after PE. That is definitley something you shouldn't get pushed into if you don't even care to have another child. I am so happy that I have grown out of that scared feeling after really putting things into perspective. I actually can't wait to get pregnant again. I even have my 2 year old asking for a baby all the time.