This is the first time I have posted besides requesting MFM recs 6+ months ago...I just feel so inspired to, because I identify so much with these posts. I had an eclamptic seizure in labor with my son who was born at 42 weeks and 9 lbs 4 oz (BIG!) on 12/1/09...I had signs of PE beforehand, but they went undiagnosed by my homebirth midwife. My seizure happened at home and I went unconscious in my own bed with only my husband there...our doula was in the other room, but the midwife was not there (she had been coming and going throughout the labor). The doula called EMS and we were emergency transferred to the hospital, where I delivered via C section 8 hours later (total of 32ish hours labor). My son came out perfectly healthy and I am "fine" (physically), but when we TTC a year ago and conceived briefly on the first try (we then miscarried at 5 weeks), I found myself terrified that I was putting myself into this potentially life-threatening situation again, which had come about so unexpectedly the first time.
I also have irrational medical fears that I didn't have before the seizure- just tonight, for example, I was contemplating taking a warm bath with bath salts, and suddenly worried that maybe that's not OK to do, since I'm having my period. In my trauma during the weeks after teh seizure I was afraid to go to sleep, because I was afraid I would seize. I sometimes have fears that something is wrong with me, that I am flawed in some way- when before the seizure I felt super-healthy and had never been diagnosed with much of anything in my life (and I was 39 when my son was born). I am 41 now, and I also fear that considering my age and the eclampsia I had last time, I am risking too much in trying again. And then I waffle about whether I really want another child anyway...this first one is so great, and we were so fortunate that everything turned out OK (aside from psychological/emotional trauma), and why make things harder? Yet I still want another one...I would love to have a sibling for my son, and as exhausting as it is, I think I would love to have another baby, breastfeed again, etc.
In many ways I am grateful to have had another year after this last early MC/chemical pregnancy to heal from my trauma from my son's birth...we have had a very positive meeting with the midwife from the first birth and lots of closure there, and I have met with 3 MFMs, weaned my son, had a breast mammo/sono, and found an MFM I LOVE. I felt so reassured with him...he actually considered my case "easy" in contrast to many he has had, and said that at 41 I was one of his younger clients (gotta love Upper Eastside Manhattan for that! Which is where he's located)! He doesn't think I need to get another brain MRI, either (I've had 3 since the seizure, and since I'm claustrophobic it's sucked!) Not sure what he thinks about blood thinners...one of the other MFMs I saw recommended my seeing a hematologist to discuss the possibility, based on one of my blood test results.
Anyhow- I just wanted to say how much I relate to all of you, and how grateful I am not to be alone. I really appreciate the post about thinking 30 years out (when I'll be, God willing, 71, and my husband 78!!!), and about how many women go through difficulties and traumas (and joys, and empowering successes) in pregnancy and childbirth. And I wanted to add my voice so that you ladies would know that you're not alone, either!
I am thinking about TTC this month...we'll see...
Eclamptic seizure in labor 12/1/09, age 39. Son born very healthy at 42 weeks and 9 lbs 4 oz via C section. PE had been suspected (by me) but not diagnosed by homebirth midwife. Pregnant again with #2, due 3/9/13.