There goes my blood pressure again!

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby cgoodi1 » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:55 am

I feel very sad and distressed. I lost my daughter a week ago when I was 21 weeks pregnant due to preeclampsia and what I'm pretty sure was IUGR. My daughter will never leave my heart pr my husband's but I feel that my husband's family is not being understanding what so ever. Did you find that people were insensitive? His father pretty much told me today that I need to get over it and compared me losing my daughter to when he crashed his first car. He said he was sad but realized it was gone and that's what I need to do. He doesn't understand that she was my first baby and that she will never be forgotten. They don't understand that I don't want to see anyone. I mean, it hasn't been a year since she left... it's only been a week! I'm also tired of people telling me not to worry that I'll have kids. I just feel like no one can predict that and it hurts when people say it. No one can predict if I will have preeclampsia again. No one seems to realize that preeclampsia has so many dangers for both baby and mother. I really want to try again as soon as the doctors say I can however I don't want to lose another baby. I don't want to end up with severe preeclampsia again. I was only 21 weeks when I was diagnosed but I am sure I had it before 21 weeks now that I know the symptoms. I know that people mean well but I'm terrified I won't have children. I just wish they'd leave me alone.
Stillbirth - 21 weeks gestation due to severe preeclampsia, HELLP and IUGR - 15/02/12
Baby girl Aria - Induced due to high blood pressure at 36 weeks + 2 days - 7lbs 3oz - 05/03/13
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby sam10 » Thu Feb 23, 2012 02:26 pm

Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry you lost your precious little girl to this terrible disease! It is something that is very heartbreaking and takes time to deal with. For me it has been 2 years since I lost my little Henry and it is still sad and I still miss him every day. I never "got over it", and I never will, but it gets easier as time passes. Please allow yourself to grieve, to heal, to recover physically and do what is needed to help you through each day. Unfortunately, there are always people who say the wrong things at the wrong moment. I have told people if they were off and most of them recognized it afterwards.

I understand your fear of never having any children, especially after losing one. We become aware of how fragile life can be. You will know when you will be ready to try again and until then, be gentle with yourself and let people know what your needs are, even if it is to leave you alone! Sending you hugs.
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby Nicolette » Fri Mar 23, 2012 05:30 am

I am truely sorry for the loss of your little girl. :(

I lost my little girl at 24 weeks on the 2nd Jan. As time goes by you will get stronger. I have met many people that just don't understand. And yes they tend to always say the wrong things eg. "Oh well, look on the bright side atleast you can have another child." And you just want to scream and say that isn't the point. I wanted her. All you would like is for everyone to know exactly how you are feeling and that they understand what you are going through. Often you just want to shake people and say you don't understand.

My heart goes out to you. Take time and you will get stronger. You will know when you will be ready. But your little one will never be forgotten.

Thinking of you and sending a huge warm hug!
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby biokatie » Fri Mar 23, 2012 08:38 am

I am sorry for your loss. I feel very bad for you because this is not what you need right now whatsoever.
Edward IV born 12-2-09 4 1/2 lbs at 36 weeks due to severe preeclampsia and IUGR.
Expecting a BOY in July.
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby m » Fri Mar 23, 2012 11:16 pm

Yes! I found that some people were so insensitive. Some people really just don't get it. I think all of us who have lost a baby have run into those people who seem to think that having another one will make everything OK. After our son died, I had to make the decision to distance myself from some people who were pushing me to be more active and social. While you probably don't want to isolate yourself completely, you need time to grieve and to heal. Try to surround yourself with people who truly care and understand, or those who at least try to understand. Far too many people will say really stupid things when trying to encourage or comfort you. Most of them mean well, and all you can really do is hope they don't drive you crazy (and use these forums to vent!). It will get easier as time goes on.

I also understand how it feels to question whether you will ever have children. It is so frustrating to have everyone reassure you that you'll have more kids and everything will be fine, when you know that it's just not that simple. That being said, many women who have lost a baby to PE have gone on to have a successful subsequent pregnancy. There is hope!
DS 2/5/09 - 2/13/09; severe PE at 28 weeks
DD March 2010; PIH, preterm labor at 36 weeks, 10 days NICU
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby leeann34 » Sat May 12, 2012 09:48 am

So very sorry for your loss of your baby daughter. Comparing the loss of a child to that of a first car is insensitive to say the least. It's okay to let those people know that those comments hurt and that loosing a child is a very painful experience. Unless someone has experienced that kind of loss they can't understand or know what you are going through. You are right in that being able to have more children doesn't make the loss any better. You still lost that child and another child can never replace the one that was lost. So do what you have to do to take care of yourself. After awhile I learned to respond to these inappropriate comments and when you let people know how insensitive they are being and that they have no idea what they are talking about...it quiets them down pretty quick.
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby Kathrynwwjd » Fri Jul 13, 2012 11:04 am

I am finding that some people totally avoid me because they just dont know what to say. Which I can understand.
However, the most insensitive thing someone has said to me so far is offering me a cuddle with their baby. Thats the last thing I feel like doing right now.
Elsie Lily Munday stillborn at 24 weeks 31st May 2012 due to severe pre-eclampsia. Always loved never forgotten.
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Re: There goes my blood pressure again!

Postby MomTimesThree » Sat Jul 14, 2012 03:44 am

The hurtful and insensitive comments are awful. The only way my husband and I got through them... and still do even 4 years later was to basically have a contest when we'd come home for who got told the stupidest, most insensitive thing that day. My hubby's top was "I guess God knew you weren't ready for children." And my worst was "oh well". Those comments still hurt like heck... at the same time... it felt good to laugh together at their stupidity. It also helped us to figure out good come backs... 'cause there's nothing like having a good come back to shush someone who just said something insensitive.

Comparing to crashing a car... or offering to cuddle a baby... egads, those are up there. What are people thinking?! Oh that's right, they're not! ;)
2008-Our Baby Girl, PTL born too early at 30w6d, Fought so hard... Forever Loved & Missed
2010- Lil' Bro, Pre-E at 29 weeks... Induced at 36w6d, Born 37w
2012- Lil' Sis, Super-imposed pre-e at 25 weeks, PTL & GD at 35 weeks, Evicted 36w
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