Anyone elses spouse not willing to get pregnant again??

[mychaelelaine]

I am pregnant, 11 weeks so I'm not worried about that now. My husband is more worried than I am even though I was the one who physically went through all the trauma. I felt the pain of going through labor and delivery only to deliver my baby stillborn. Anyway, I'm hopeful we won't experience preeclampsia and Hellp. My husband is talking of a vasectomy. Mind you, he has 3 living children. He says he wants to have the vasectomy before the baby is even born. This makes me so mad. I pray we don't lose this baby but I'm prepared for whatever happens. I know God will get me through. I pray this baby is fine. If not, I have to keep trying until I get my rainbow baby. I know he's nervous. I am too! Just wondering if anyone else's mate is making statements like my husband, that he won't go through this another time. My husband apparently doesn't get it. I will go to a damn sperm bank if I have to. I will have my baby with or without his help God forbid something terrible happens with this angel.

[frogibe]

My situation is a bit different but I understand where you are coming from. I have two daughters, with my first I had PE and HELLP and had her at 28 weeks only to watch her pass away 5 weeks later from NEC. We became pregnant again (my hubby was nervous but very positive) and we had a beautiful rainbow baby at 35 weeks due to low fluid but no PE or HELLP thank goodness. I would love to have another one and he is just totally against it. It is really hard for me to even try to accept that I may be done having children all together at only 27 years old. Utimately it is not only your or my decision its a relationship choice (both hubby and wife) and someone is going to have to understand and move on.....

[mychaelelaine]

My situation is a bit different but I understand where you are coming from. I have two daughters, with my first I had PE and HELLP and had her at 28 weeks only to watch her pass away 5 weeks later from NEC. We became pregnant again (my hubby was nervous but very positive) and we had a beautiful rainbow baby at 35 weeks due to low fluid but no PE or HELLP thank goodness. I would love to have another one and he is just totally against it. It is really hard for me to even try to accept that I may be done having children all together at only 27 years old. Utimately it is not only your or my decision its a relationship choice (both hubby and wife) and someone is going to have to understand and move on.....

thanks for your input. it actually is just my decision they way i see it. not to be so blunt but it is. he won't have to be childless, he has children. so, honestly, if my husband weren't willing to try again if God forbid we lost this baby, it would probably take a whole * of a lot to make me stay. i don't think he'd go for a sperm bank and that's probably what i would do.

your situation is hugely different from mine. you have a living child. i don't. thank God, i'm pregnant now so i know for sure i'm putting the cart before the horse. i know it's understandable to think this way going through what i went through. i would choose having a child over my husband any day. unless you're childless, i don't know for sure if you can understand where i'm coming from. i think i more so wanted to see if any other member, childless, had a spouse saying the same thing. i'm so sorry for your loss also! i can't imagine having my baby only to watch her pass away @ 5 weeks. but, i wouldn't not do it because i'm fearful. thanks for your response!

[MomTimesThree]

My husband has not gone so far as to say he wouldn't have other children, though this is our last. But I did notice with our 2nd, after our 1st passed away, that he was much more panicky about bumps than I was. And I think it was partly because he couldn't come to as many appointments, see the ridiculous amount of ultrasounds and testing that was done, so he didn't feel as safe as I did. Perhaps something that might help your hubby feel more confident is to have him come as many appointments with you as possible, you might even give your Dr a heads up to talk to hubby about what's going on, share a number he can call to ask the dr. questions. Ours did and our MFM could always walk my hubby away from the edge way faster than I ever could. Somethin' about that darn MD after the name made everything he said 100 times more trustworthy even if I said the same thing.

I hope though that this conversation is all for not and you get to bring home a beautifully healthy lil' sib!

[mychaelelaine]

Tears. Thanks MomTimesThree. I love your advice. I actually had an idea to not have him come because he takes the happy out of visits but I think your idea is much better. Lol. I was kind of annoyed last night with him so I might have sounded extremely blunt. I pray to God that I would never have to choose between wanting a baby and my husband. I don't want to lose my husband but I just can't imagine living my life without at least trying until I can't do it anymore. We are actually quite fortunate. This is only our second pregnancy. I've never had any miscarriages. 11 weeks and so far, so good! Anyway, thank you. I'll start with today. I have an appointment @ 10 am. The husband is coming with!

[MomTimesThree]

Hope today's appointment with hubby went well!

[tree]

I hope your appointment went well today.
My husband is extremely reluctant to TTC again. I am the kind of person who would normally think that he needs a swift kick from something and to just suck it up. This is different for us. I remember how scared he was when I was sick. I really didn't care about much of anything when I was sick, and I don't remember much. I know that I would never have called the doctor if he hadn't begged me to do it because he was scared. He doesn't scare easily, so that got me off of the couch. I respect his fears because he had to watch the whole mess, and he remembers all of it. I think I would be more reluctant than I am now if I remembered more. My situation is different from yours in many ways, and I don't know what I would do if he suggested that either of us do anything permanent at this point.
We could get through it with some counseling, and we probably will at some point. I am not too eager to get sick again, so we haven't pushed it. I agree that having him involved with the doctors would be a healthy thing. My husband sat there like a lump at my appointments. I think it would be different if we decided to try again.

[mychaelelaine]

Thank tree! I love my husband dearly. Truly. I think I'm very emotional now because of pregnancy hormones and still dealing with the loss of our daughter. It was so traumatic and unexpected. I'm so ecstatic now though that I can't explain. People told me (including doctors) that I shold consider waiting a year to get pregnant. Although we didn't purposely get pregnant, I wanted to try in April. Thankfully I'm either very fertile, my husband has strong swimmers, or both. Being pregnant is extremely healing for me. Painful still. I didn't imagine it would be. I know he went through an ordeal also but I remember every single moment. In fact, he wasn't there when I delivered. I think he purposely took his time getting back to the hospital because it was too much to bear. My husband is he type who sees the glass as half empty, I see it as half full. My desire to have a baby is stronger than my fear I suppose. I think it's the exact opposite for him. He went to the appointment and I think some of his fears were calmed. He was impressed with the MFM's. So, thank you guys soooo much for that suggestion! I don't think I want him to go to every appointment because honestly, he sucks the positive energy out of the room. Lol. That's just how he is. Interestingly so, he's a comedian! Anyway, I'm hopeful, optimistic, and extremely happy. Thanks everyone for your insight.

[danielsmom]

Our situations are probably all different, but I imagine we have a lot the same. This disease sucks. It affects our livelihood and our families. It puts stress on our marriages.

I haven't lost a child beyond the first trimester, but from a spousal perspective, it may be relevant that my husband has buried a wife. They were both 24 years old, and she went from perfect health to liver failure, sepsis, and multi-organ failure in 30 days. She was a nurse starting a new job. The clinic lost her vaccination records and made her take her hepititis vaccines again, 30 days later she died. It was never proven what the cause was.

I'll never know what went on inside my husband when the MFM told him my liver and kidneys had stopped working, even though he's an incredibly strong man emotionally and spiritually. But we had a happy ending. Needless to say, I desired to try again and expected major resistance from my husband. He was pretty closed off to it at first, kind of like "we have our miracle, let's not rock the boat again." He never had grey hair before all of this, lol! But I was patient, I didn't pressure him, and I tried to share research with him without being pushy. We tried again, and ended up with a life AND fertility threatening pregnancy. After dealing with that, I thought boy I'll never get him to go for this again. Patience works though. Or maybe it's my stunning good looks and persuasive powers...JUST KIDDING!!!

That's my advice. WAIT on him. Ask him gently not to do anything permanent for awhile, so you can both focus on this pregnancy. Tolerate his fears and rash comments without reacting much (easier said than done!). I know my husband had to tolerate mine along the way. I will be bold and say that I'd rather endure physical pain than stress, anyday. Nothing is worse than watching a loved one suffer, to me anyway. Hoping and praying for the best for you guys.

[mychaelelaine]

Thanks Danielsmom. I appreciate your words. It's very difficult losing a child at almost 24 weeks and he has 3. See, you got your miracle. You and your husband. Imagine your husband giving up on that miracle. Hard right? This subjet hasn't been an issue since I started the thread. Anytime he brings it up, which has only been one other time since this thread, I literally lose it. Lol. Why in Gods' name would you bring up the subject of a vasectomy to a childless mother who is a stepmother to three children all before 12 weeks pregnancy???!!! I am NOT in the best state of mind right about now. Anyway, he won't be bringing it up again. I'm sure of that. I know he won't get a vasectomy either, he can't even remember garbage day. I know he won't do it, I just thought it was extremely insensitive of him to even be so adamant about not waiting until we deliver. I want the vasectomy! I wouldn't do this again if you gave me a million dollars. . . unless God forbid things go downhill. After pre-e and hellp, this is too nervewracking!

I was really getting myself all worked up over nothing. Like I said, he won't do it because he literally forgets mostly everything he says he's going to do and we most likely will have a successful and healthy delivery. Fingers crossed. Thanks guys for lending me an ear!