Missing my baby and an introduction

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby lisa112 » Mon Apr 23, 2012 11:21 pm

Hi,

I first wanted to say how thankful I am that I found this website. It has definately helped me keep my sanity. The knowledge and support everyone gives to one another is invaluable. I have been posting here and there, but finally feel ready to formally introduce myself. It always seems like night time is the hardest and when I'm missing my sweet Samantha so much.

My husband and I have been trying to start a family for two years. We had a miscarriage in January 2010 and then again in September 2010. There did not appear to be a connection between the two miscarriages. I also ended up with Asherman's Syndrome following the d & c from the second miscarriage. Thankfully, I found an amazing doctor that treated me for the Asherman's in March 2011 and he gave us the go ahead to start trying last July. I have never had an issue getting pregnant and we actually got pregnant on our first try. We were both very excited and nervous as we never made it past 8 weeks. Everything was looking great on the ultrasound and the baby was actually measuring a week earlier. Pregnancy wise I felt good and on our 18 week ultrasound we found out we were having a girl. I started having swelling in my feet and ankles, but my ob kept telling me it was normal pregnancy and was not concerned about it. At the beginning of December I found out I had gestational diabetes and was able to control it with diet. My doctor had me go for an ultrasound at 28 weeks just to make sure everything was okay and the ultrasound showed that she was measuring small. I feel like everything just went down hill from there.

On Saturday, January 7th, I started having pains in my chest and I even had vomitted. I chalked it up to just being the flu and noticed the pain in my chest felt better when I laid down. The next day I still had the pains in my chest and it hurt when I was breathing. My mother became concerned and had me call the oncall doctor. I spoke with the oncall doctor and we went over my symptoms and she told me it sounded like heartburn and to take tums or Zantac. The next day I had called out sick from work, but was feeling better just really tired. On Tuesday I had call out sick from work again because I had woken up at 1:30 am with bad pains again and vomitting again. I was up from 1:30 to 5:30 and finally went on the couch to try and fall asleep. I ended up calling my ob and explaing the symptoms I had been experiencing over the weekend. She had me go to L & D at the hospital. When I got to the hospital the same doctor I had spoken with over the weekend was there and she said they were going to run some labs and talked about my symptoms possibly being related to my gall bladder. When she finally came back with the results of my labs she had told me I had severe preeclampsia and that I would be delivering my baby within 48 hours if not sooner. She also said she was very suprised because the symptoms I explained to her over the phone did not sound like preeclampsia to her, especially because I said I felt better when I laid down. They gave me a steriod shot to mature the baby's lungs and I was transferred to a higher level of care hospital.

At the new hospital they did a 24 hour urine and found I was spilling protein. They also had me on magnesium to prevent seazures. The plan was to get me to 24 hours so they could give me the second steroid shot for lung maturity. They were able to stablize my levels and I was able to get the second steroid shot. I delivered my daughter on 1/12/12 in the afternoon. Samantha Grace was born 2lbs 2 oz. She was able to breath on her own and even scored high on the apgar. All the doctors were impressed with how well she was doing, but they warned us of the possible complications that could happen because she was so small. They specifially warned us of NEC and told us the next two weeks were going to be critical. I was discharged from the hospital and was given bp meds since my bp was started to go up.

The first week of Samantha's life she was doing great and the doctors continued to be impressed with how well she was doing. They called her a little rock star. On the 19th during our visit with her the nurse had informed us of her apnea increasing and their concern about the puffiness of her belly and that they were going to be giving her another ultrsound to check everything. That night when we came home we got a call sometime around 2:00 am and was told she had a perforation in her intestine and that she had developed NEC and was being sent to a children's hospital for surgery. Later that afternoon I had spoke with the doctor who did the surgery and was told they expected her to make a full recovery. Samantha spent the next week recovering and was doing okay, but we were always reminded of how "very sick" she was. On January 25th we were told on a routine brain scan that they had found something, we were even told it was possible she had cerebral palsy. The next night they sent her down for an MRI and we had a meeting the next day to go over the results. January 27th became one of the worst days of my life. We were told that because Samantha had such low blood preassure following her surgery she had lost oxygen to her brain and was brain dead on both sides. We were told that she would have to be on a ventilator for the frest of her life and would have no quality of life. My husband and I made the hardest decision and decided to defer her care. There was no way I could let my baby live that kind of life. On January 28th My husband and I along with our parents and his brother and sister in law had Samantha baptised and then she was taken off everything. My husband, mother, and I took turns holding Samantha and rocking her. It was torture as the hours went by and she kept breathing. She was such a fighter and lasted until 3:00 am on Sunday January 29th. I had fallen alseep holding Samantha in my arms rocking her and when I woke up I could not see her breathing and she felt cold. I had my husband get the nurse and she confirmed her passing.

Samantha was so beautiful and she was our little rock star. I get so mad and angry that this has all happened and this has become my life. Everyday I wake up and go on with my day but feel like I am living a complete nightmare. She should be here with us, it's just so unfair. I have my good days and my bad days, but every day I just miss her so much and wish I could be holding her in my arms. My husband and I so badly want to have a baby and I feel so hopeless and defeated sometimes and feel like my body has failed us for the third time. I am not ready to give up trying to have a baby, but I am petrified of having to go through this all over again and lose another child. We recently saw a MFM about a future pregnancy and was told we had to wait until the fall ttc. I'm hoping there is a light and a rainbow at the end of this very very dark tunnel. REading stories of successful pregnancies after severe pe and Hellp give me such hope for our next time around and that my empty arms can be filled with another baby. Thank you for reading my story.
Lisa, 31
Samantha Grace born 1/12/12 @ 30 + 3, 2lbs 2oz, severe PE with HELLP, IUGR
lived 17 days and passed due to complications after surgery because of NEC
lisa112
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby sam10 » Tue Apr 24, 2012 09:18 pm

I am so sorry you lost your precious baby, all because of PE. It is so courageous and heartbreaking to make the decision to let your baby go. I am thinking of you and your sweet baby Samantha and I hope that one day you'll hold your take home baby in your arms. Thank you for sharing your story.
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby rosemary » Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:51 pm

Lisa, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet Samantha. What you have been through is absolutely heartbreaking. Finding the forums after my loss was a huge help to me. Please know that you are welcomed to share, ask questions, vent...whatever it is that you need. We're here to listen and help in any way that we can. I do wish you peace and healing in the days and months ahead. Please remember to be gentle with yourself, you deserve that. (((HUGS)))
Rosemary - 47 - Central, PA
Momma to Kayleigh 8/25/88 - 36 weeks
Elliott 8/29/04 - lost at 20 weeks due to severe PE/HELLP
Proud Grandma to Max Allen 10/19/10.
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby danielsmom » Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:51 am

(Tears) :( What a roller coaster. It is just so heartbreaking. I know that frustration when you feel your body has failed you again.

The best advice I got from my MFM was to always seek the latest and best information. It's difficult when so little is known about the causes of pre-e. But between reading about the biology of this stuff and the practical testimonies on these forums, you'll get a familiarity with how this disease plays out. That was comforting to me, as the unknowns scare me the most. Start with this: http://www.preeclampsia.org/forum/viewt ... 12&t=16607. Your chances of progressing further in a future pregnancy are now better because of what you've gone through because our bodies are physically remodeled from pregnancy. That is the good news.

Has your MFM or OB ordered any tests on you for underlying conditions? Such as a thrombophelia panel? There are some things that predispose us to pre-e, not to mention miscarriages. If you have any of these, some doctor's will put you on low dose aspirin and/or Lovenox in a future pregnancy to aid blood flow. Then again, some doctor's do this anyway just because of your history.

Thanks for sharing, and just take it one day at a time.
Kristi
Miscarriage Feb 05 & Dec 07
Daniel born Feb 09 at 27w5d, 1 lb 1 oz/12 inches (severe IUGR) due to Severe Pre-E & HELLP. Now tall for age and no complications.
Diagnosed with MTHFR
Cornual Ectopic miscarriage Mar 11
Natalie born 6-5-12 at full term, 7 lb 11 oz & 21.5 inches, progesterone 2-8 weeks (for suspected luteal phase defect), lovenox 6-29 weeks, lda 0-36 weeks, folic.
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby lisa112 » Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:06 pm

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It has been quite the roller coaster. I will definately take a look at that link. I've been doing a lot of poking around this site to get as much information as a I can about PE.

After the second miscarriage I saw an infertility doctor because I wanted to know why I was having the miscarriages. She did blood work and at my MFM appointment he looked at what testing I had done and he said I didn't need further testing. The only thing they found was I didn't have antibodies against the chicken pox, even though I had them as a child, so I had to get vaccinated for the chicken pox last year. The MFM I saw last week told me to start taking Vitamin D and during a pregnancy he would have me stay on vitamin D, calcium, and lda. He didn't say anything about lovenox. I have another preconception consultation on Friday with a different doctor so I'm curious. I'm curious if this other doctor would recommend anything different.
Lisa, 31
Samantha Grace born 1/12/12 @ 30 + 3, 2lbs 2oz, severe PE with HELLP, IUGR
lived 17 days and passed due to complications after surgery because of NEC
lisa112
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby kerisue » Thu Apr 26, 2012 00:03 am

Hi Lisa,
I'm so so sorry that Samantha had to be born too early and you weren't able to keep her. It sounds like Samantha fought as hard as she possibly could to stay with you. My baby also had a perforated intestine (at 3 days of life). Isn't it gut wrenching sitting through your micro-preemie's surgery? I also had to make the excruciating decision to take my beloved child off ventilator support. I'd love to see a picure of Samantha if you have one.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby cmccaffrey » Fri Apr 27, 2012 01:47 am

Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss. I had our first baby at 30 weeks 3 days due to preE and he also scored well on his apgar, so I can understand the shock and devastation you must have had when your Samantha passed unexpectedly. Please use the forum as an emotional outlet during this time of grief and pain. I found such comfort here right after losing our Mason and I still come here often because I feel so well connected with the people on this forum.

I am thinking and praying for you.
<3
Christa (25) & J (26)
Mommy to:
Mason born 10.11.10 @ 30+3 wks due to Severe Pre-E. Only lived 2.5 days
Noah born 2.1.12 @ 38 weeks thanks to lots of doctors visits, LDA, Lovenox and no preeclampsia!

learn more about our story... http://tinyurl.com/7a979vy
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Re: Missing my baby and an introduction

Postby lisa112 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 09:10 pm

Kerisue, it was absolutely gut wrenching waiting to get the call from the doctors that Samantha had made it throught the surgery. I don't think there are any words that come close to describe the fear, anxiety, and pain that I've felt, but gut wrenching pretty sums up the whole experience. I'm sorry you also lost your baby and had to make the decision to take your beloved child off ventilator support. It has to be the most difficult decision to have to make. I hated having to be in that position, but I know it was the best decision I made for my daughter. I would love to share a picture with you and have a really nice picture of Samantha that I'll have to figure out how to scan and up load.

Thank you Cmcaffrey, I have definately found the forums to be helpful and supportive and finding it a little bit easier to actively use them. It's such a vulnerable position to have to be in. I'm sorry that you lost your Mason to PE.
Lisa, 31
Samantha Grace born 1/12/12 @ 30 + 3, 2lbs 2oz, severe PE with HELLP, IUGR
lived 17 days and passed due to complications after surgery because of NEC
lisa112
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Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 03:47 am
Location: Boston, MA


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