What to do about.......advice

[wooleybear]

How did you handle the baby shower gifts/crib/all the things you got already in preparation for the baby's arrival only to loose them to pre-e? I finally packed some things away in a closet, but I just can't seem to get rid of the crib just yet, and when I do I might loose it. Has anyone held onto things for a while? DId you find it harder to let them go, or keep them?


Also today, it was probably too early, I went to go try on some new bra's. My breast seem huge but I haven't leaked any milk all week after the delivery. However in the changing room as Im trying them on, I realize one of my breasts starts to leak, I just broke down and cried. Thank God my mom was with me and we just ran out of there, I had to leave. What did you do, did you get medicine to dry yourself up? Did it work? My docs never said anything about it or giving me medicine to do the job, I just figured since nothing was pressuring it, sucking on it, it would dry up on its own. But I guess squeezing my breasts into a new bra activated it.

Any advice is welcome, Thank you!

[kerisue]

Almost 2 years later... I still have all of Millie's stuff (though I did not have a crib yet, which is a fairly large item). Everything else I tucked away in a closet and figured it will take as long as it takes for me to be okay giving away/getting rid of all those items. And if I never feel okay with it, then fine, I'll just keep it tucked away indefinitely.

As for the milk... I had started to pump for her. The week after she died was physically painful in that respect. I just took otc pain killers (ibuprofin or tylenol I can't remember). My doc didn't suggest anything else to me and I didn't ask. At that time the emotional pain was so large the physical pain kind of paled in comparison. But if the pain is unbearable (and I hear it can be for some women!) ask your doc if there's anything more that can be done. The milk drying up was not just a physical pain but another emotional one... just another reminder that I didn't have my baby.

[wooleybear]

thanks kerisue, yeah my counselor said there no was time frame on getting rid of the baby stuff, just wandering what others have done. I want to keep the stuff too right now and will deal with it when Im ready I guess.

And the breasts aren't too sensitive or hurt, just large, I don't fit anything. But it was very emotional for me today more than anything! Thanks for your words

[angieb]

We also still have most of Olivia's stuff in our basement. Some of it we did use for the next baby, sorta liked how they were "hand me down's" from his big sister in a sense. If we ever have another girl, I would like to use some more of it though not everything, some of it feels like it should just be hers.

There was a time when the thought of using it was unbearable, no way could I deal with looking at it, but now I like those ways to incorporate her. We didn't have a ton, so I can't imagine we will ever get rid of what we do have.

We had ordered a crib but it hadn't come in yet, so we were lucky to be able to cancel it with little hassle except me crying to the poor kid from Babies R Us. We ended up ordering the same crib for DS, and it just feels right to me. He's by no means a replacement, that's not fair for either of them, but I like that he has things that were hers, would have been hers, like typical siblings.

----

As far as milk, oh this part sucks. It took a few days for me to dry up and wasn't too painful physically. I wore sports bras 24/7 except in the shower and avoided letting water run over my chest except a quick rinse with a washcloth in the shower. I think they don't typically give meds out much for drying up supply much anymore.

[blythe]

I have heard that cabbage leaves - just putting them in your bra - can help with engorgement. Ask your doctor and a lactation consultant if that would be safe for you. I hadn't thought about your milk still coming in even after your baby has died, I'm so sorry that it's added another layer of pain and grief ((hugs)).

[MomTimesThree]

I used the cabbage leaves and found it helped with the engorgement... I also did the sports bras. I don't remember exactly when I stopped leaking and feeling uncomfortable, but I do remember how bittersweet the whole process was and my heart is very heavy for you having to go through it. It's not fair, it just isn't.

[flori]

We never made it to our baby shower. I had only started looking at places to hold it and themes and games around the time everything went downhill. Obviously we didn't want to jinx anything so the party planning got delayed.

We did buy a few things for her that we kept. We have a onesie that says Kiss Me I'm Irish, a little red dress with hearts on it, along with some other cutesie things I found at Target. My MIL also gave us two sets of onesies (pink and blue) from Macy's when we first found out I was pregnant, we kept those too. At first we were both torn about what to do with everything, but I knew I couldn't just return them. It seemed so sad. I ended up putting it all (along with a blanket my MIL's childhood friend handmade) into an airtight bag and we have it all in our closet. We didn't have a crib yet, so I'm not sure how we would have handled large items. I imagine if we had the space we would have just stored those things. I know it hurts so much to look at them right now though.

At first we said we could never use any of it if/when we have another baby, but I think we're starting to think that we might. Like Angie said, if Gracie had lived, the items would have been hand-me-downs anyway, and in a way they still will be. There is one onesie though that I don't think we will ever use for next baby. It's the very first one I bought and hung on my "dream board" when we were ttc for so long. That will forever be associated with Gracie.


I pumped the first day when Gracie was in the NICU and everything was going well, but my milk didn't come in until the Friday or Saturday after she died. I woke up one day and my breasts were rock hard. I stared at them wide-eyed in the mirror and cried that morning. How sad to have nourishment for a baby that isn't with you anymore. I wore the tightest sports bra I had, only taking it off to shower or wash it. It took about a week before I stopped leaking outright, though I never prevented water from touching them in the shower. I had a little bit of leakage for a month or two once in a while, like if I bumped them or carried something against my chest. I never tried the cabbage leaves.

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. I just read a post you made in another thread and I wanted to tell you that I understand completely what you said about time making the loss more real and definite. At first I'd have mornings when I'd forget what happened and think there was still a baby in my belly. I do want you to know that while it is so incredibly painful now, the sharp pain of loss will eventually dull. When I think of Gracie now, it is with love and happiness. I still have days where I get knocked down by grief, but those days are few and far between now. Good luck on your journey and remember to take all of the time you need.

[wooleybear]

I was at 32 weeks when I lost Soleil so I literally just bought the crib and stroller like 2 weeks before. It feels so weird I only about 8 more weeks to go. I had a baby shower, end of April, back home(had to fly for it), so no big gifts, just clothes, some stuff was sent to me and giftcards. My baby shower in Philly with my friends here, was going to be early June, so never made it to that. Friends also donated things like car seat early on. The car seat still sits in my car.


yeah I have had only one occasion of leakage so far, scared there might me more, they are sore from time to time. I do from time to time rub my belly and still think she is inside there, that is hard when you realize she is not. Thanks for sharing that, I didn't even realize I was doing that. It is an eerie feeling though. Peace and love!

[MomTimesThree]

It's been four years since our daughter was born too early and I haven't gotten rid of anything. We've since had her lil' bro and are now expecting another and it's been very special to share some of her things with him... and with this lil' one. It feels "normal" in all it's unnormalness that their big sister is able to share her things just like any big sister would do. Her lil' bro sleeps in her room and crib... and it makes me feel good because if she was still here in our arms, not just our hearts, the same thing would have happened.

Like another poster said, there are things I won't share because they are just hers, and that feels right too. No big sister would want to share all her things.

This journey is unique.. there's no rush to make any decisions and no right ones to make- just the ones that bring you the most peace in your heart.

[uncskristy]

Tight sports bras is what worked for me. Lots of tynenol. Maybe some wine
There is no right or wrong timeframe as to when to put things away. We put away the crib & bedding pretty quickly because when I got home from the hospital I was determined that we would not try again. The few onesies we had bought just for Cooper I could not bring myself to put on Blaine so I did not. Everything else was already a hand-me-down from our oldest to begin with so it was easier to allow Blaine to use. There is one item that I am still debating on. My husband and I both kept our baby blankets and oddly enough they were both the same yellow gingham pattern. When Davis was old enough to sleep with a blanket in the crib, my husband gave him his. I had planned on giving Cooper mine and even wrapped him up in it while he was still alive. On one hand part of me wants to give it now to Blaine because the matching yellow blankets are part of what made me realize that my husband and I were meant to be together but there is a large part of me that just can not do it.