We just celebrated our daughter's 4th birthday- which also means it's been 4 years since I held her in my arms. My heart aches for you remembering what it was like just a month after. The pain is so acute- and everything feels so final. What I've found, so thankfully after 4 years is that your journey and relationship with your daughter will continue. It's of course so different than how we planned and how we wanted, and yet there are bonds between a mommy and child that are truly just never ever broken. Each step you've taken since your daughter was born will be that much different because she was here- she'll always be making a difference in your life, and in turn the lives of others.
Four years later we now have an almost 2 and a half year old, and he knows that some things are his sisters, and talks about her things- was very upset the cake was for her birthday not his... "normal" sibling things played out in the most unnormal of ways, yet there's a lil' bit of peace there knowing that our lil' angels still play such a large role in our family.
I wish you peace, and hope one day if it's what you want, you'll be pushing Soleil's stroller telling her lil' bro or sis all about their big sister.
2008-Our Baby Girl, PTL born too early at 30w6d, Fought so hard... Forever Loved & Missed
2010- Lil' Bro, Pre-E at 29 weeks... Induced at 36w6d, Born 37w
2012- Lil' Sis, Super-imposed pre-e at 25 weeks, PTL & GD at 35 weeks, Evicted 36w