I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the hurt you must be experiencing. Tomorrow is 3 weeks my baby passed away. I developed preeclampsia at 20 weeks and he stopped growing for an entire month. He was born at only 12 ounces and although it was a fight against life for about a month he fought, we fought together. An entire month in the NICU to be exact. Everyday there was a major concern with him, and every day for the last 2 weeks of his life the doctors would ask me if I wanted to disconnect him off support and just have him die in my arms so that I would at least get to hold him alive for a minute or so. Of course we refused, we couldn't, especially when he would open up his tiny little eyes and just look at us, trying to tell us not to give up on him just yet and as a mom trying to be strong in front of him. His complications were always great. He was born with the normal heart opening which babies are born with, which they kept open with heart medication. In addition to that...he was also born with a heart disease which had to do with part of his heart missing. He also was on blood pressure medication for all of his life because it was too low, as well as his heart which was related to the heart disease. Two weeks into his life his liver began to fail because of his heart condition, which in turn made his kidneys not function. In less than a week he blew up like a blimpie from oedema, which meant he was not releasing any fluids out because his kidneys were not functioning. Every day the doctors would tell us there was nothing else they could do for him, but as parents we kept the hope alive. The doctors finally decided to give him hyper-cortisone to make him urinate because somehow that was going to make his blood vessels dilate which would impact his liver and in turn his kidneys to urinate. Of course this option with the hydrocortisone could have serious side effects, such as CP but we had to try anything at this point because he was about to explode. His blood became infected with toxins and although he had improved in his oxygen somehow, the day before he passed away he was at full 100% support. That day, his eyes would not close and as a mother I somehow felt he was sleeping with his eyes opened all day long-not a good feeling. We got the call around 4:30 am the Dr. crying wolf again to rush to the hospital to say our last goodbye because he kept desaturating into the single digits...she also said the last brain ultrasound done earlier that day showed severe brain bleed-irreversible, which explained the reason why he was not closing his eyes throughout the day. In other words he had become brain dead in less than 24 hours.
The doctors finally got their wish and we held our baby for a few minutes while he died in our arms. His face was unrecognizable compared to when he was in his isolator. Now in our arms he had no bandages and we could see clearly the blood scars inside both his nostrils from having the tubes shoved up for feeding purposes as well as oxygen. Although tomorrow will be 3 weeks, it feels like it has been 3 years. I try not to remember things that took place in the past 2 months because I go crazy just knowing how much my baby suffered. This is a tough experience and I would never wish this on anyone, however I would give my life to have one more day with my Nicholas even though I knew he was suffering and I as well. Can I say I rather have had him not live one moment so that he would not suffer at all and not know what suffering was? of course, but there is a side of me that is very selfish and would do anything to have him even under those conditions. So...I hope you can find something in my story that would help at least start the healing process. I lost my mom 7 years ago and I can tell you from experience there is no timeframe or right or wrong way of healing or grieving. You do what you need to do at your pace, no one else's. This was your baby and you have every right to be sad right now. And although you will never forget your little one, moments of happiness will come back to your life eventually.
I have to believe that things happen for a reason...I have to! if not I would go crazy. If you are a spiritual person you may even be questioning God this very moment as to WHY u! All I can say is that you are stronger than you think u r. And although u don't want to be strong right now, remember u don't have to be
But remember...happiness will come back to your life. You can try to have another baby, if not look into surrogate. There are family members and close friends that would consider it. If not and if you have the money maybe through an agency that handles surrogate process. There are options out there, and although they may not be the options you want, they are still options.