Consumed by greif

[bsherricca]

I come to this site often and think it is one of teh few things preventing me from having a nervous breakdown ... i come here because some of your stories give me encouragement and hope and i am reminded that i am not alone in this experience .....

my husband my family my friends say it has been 3 months and its time to move on ..i still wake up in the middle of the night scream trapped in my throat for me it feels like yestrday ....i feel like somehow i became a completely different person but they keep expecting that things will go back to the way they were before ......they expect me to be the same happy go lucky me , resident baby sitter and God mother to all but to be truthful the last thing i want to see is another womans child or hear about their problems . My mom even called me up to share the wonderful news that my 23 yr old little brother a university student had gotten his college girlfreind pregnant and since they were both in school maybe i would consider taking in the baby ... ...here i am married for just over a year struggled to concieve only to witness the childs death and almost losing my life in the process now being asked to take this on .....i thought i would die after that call

When i got pregnant with Daniel I welcomed it as my miracle ...my husband and i had been trying for a few months as i had been struggling with pcos and was having annovalatory cycles . Rewind to my prevoius pregnancy which had turned out to be eptopic and i had lost one of my tubes as a result so hearing that you are not ovulating on top of that seemed ...well i remember the day the doctor told me i just cried and cried and thought jeez what next ...then came the hot flashes at the ripe old age of 32....3 doses of clomid later a positive pregnancy test and excitement ....how could all that turn out so dreadfully wrong ?

I think the worst part for me is not just the fact of baby Daniels death but how he came into this world ...left alone to deliver my sleeping baby , no medication , no one around in the wee hrs of the morning in that darned hospital room ...i remember the feel of him on my leg ...i never got to see him ...i think it was then that my heart died ...i just dont know how to get past this .....

[m]

It took me much longer than three months to start getting back to normal again. You can't put a time limit on your grief, and it is unreasonable of others to expect you to do so. It takes time - lots and lots of time. I absolutely hated that I had to tell some of the people in my life to back off and give me that space and time, but sometimes that's what you have to do. People who haven't experienced a loss simply do not understand. If they would be receptive to it, this is a good web page that has some do's and don't's for friends and family: http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-fam ... relatives/. If you feel like you are really stuck in your grief and not progressing at all, it might be a good idea to find a grief counselor or a support group. Having someone else to talk to who really understands what you are going through can be a great help.

[nikki2012]

Hi,

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the hurt you must be experiencing. Tomorrow is 3 weeks my baby passed away. I developed preeclampsia at 20 weeks and he stopped growing for an entire month. He was born at only 12 ounces and although it was a fight against life for about a month he fought, we fought together. An entire month in the NICU to be exact. Everyday there was a major concern with him, and every day for the last 2 weeks of his life the doctors would ask me if I wanted to disconnect him off support and just have him die in my arms so that I would at least get to hold him alive for a minute or so. Of course we refused, we couldn't, especially when he would open up his tiny little eyes and just look at us, trying to tell us not to give up on him just yet and as a mom trying to be strong in front of him. His complications were always great. He was born with the normal heart opening which babies are born with, which they kept open with heart medication. In addition to that...he was also born with a heart disease which had to do with part of his heart missing. He also was on blood pressure medication for all of his life because it was too low, as well as his heart which was related to the heart disease. Two weeks into his life his liver began to fail because of his heart condition, which in turn made his kidneys not function. In less than a week he blew up like a blimpie from oedema, which meant he was not releasing any fluids out because his kidneys were not functioning. Every day the doctors would tell us there was nothing else they could do for him, but as parents we kept the hope alive. The doctors finally decided to give him hyper-cortisone to make him urinate because somehow that was going to make his blood vessels dilate which would impact his liver and in turn his kidneys to urinate. Of course this option with the hydrocortisone could have serious side effects, such as CP but we had to try anything at this point because he was about to explode. His blood became infected with toxins and although he had improved in his oxygen somehow, the day before he passed away he was at full 100% support. That day, his eyes would not close and as a mother I somehow felt he was sleeping with his eyes opened all day long-not a good feeling. We got the call around 4:30 am the Dr. crying wolf again to rush to the hospital to say our last goodbye because he kept desaturating into the single digits...she also said the last brain ultrasound done earlier that day showed severe brain bleed-irreversible, which explained the reason why he was not closing his eyes throughout the day. In other words he had become brain dead in less than 24 hours.

The doctors finally got their wish and we held our baby for a few minutes while he died in our arms. His face was unrecognizable compared to when he was in his isolator. Now in our arms he had no bandages and we could see clearly the blood scars inside both his nostrils from having the tubes shoved up for feeding purposes as well as oxygen. Although tomorrow will be 3 weeks, it feels like it has been 3 years. I try not to remember things that took place in the past 2 months because I go crazy just knowing how much my baby suffered. This is a tough experience and I would never wish this on anyone, however I would give my life to have one more day with my Nicholas even though I knew he was suffering and I as well. Can I say I rather have had him not live one moment so that he would not suffer at all and not know what suffering was? of course, but there is a side of me that is very selfish and would do anything to have him even under those conditions. So...I hope you can find something in my story that would help at least start the healing process. I lost my mom 7 years ago and I can tell you from experience there is no timeframe or right or wrong way of healing or grieving. You do what you need to do at your pace, no one else's. This was your baby and you have every right to be sad right now. And although you will never forget your little one, moments of happiness will come back to your life eventually.

I have to believe that things happen for a reason...I have to! if not I would go crazy. If you are a spiritual person you may even be questioning God this very moment as to WHY u! All I can say is that you are stronger than you think u r. And although u don't want to be strong right now, remember u don't have to be But remember...happiness will come back to your life. You can try to have another baby, if not look into surrogate. There are family members and close friends that would consider it. If not and if you have the money maybe through an agency that handles surrogate process. There are options out there, and although they may not be the options you want, they are still options.

Take care...

[kerisue]

I hate it when people talk about "moving on". The death of my only baby is not something I'll ever "move on" from. I am fundamentally different from that experience and the loss of her will always be a part of me. Some friends get that and some don't. I am probably a little less close now to the ones who don't. Two years later the pain is not as sharp and the grief not as present every minute of the day, but it's all still there. When Daniel died you lost the chance to have him in your life for the rest of your life- so the loss is lifelong for you, not just for a few months. It took me at least a year before I could hold someone else's baby. Now, though holding babies is bittersweet, I try to imagine that my little one is there being held too, since I got very few chances to do so while she was alive. You asked how to "get past" this. I don't know that that's a realistic expectation for yourself, but you (and all of us who have had losses) do have to find a way to go on living and not be completely miserable forever. See the difference? Some things that have helped me were an anti-depressant (I didn't start that until months afterward), this forum, and a local grief group for parents who had stillbirths or lost infants (for any reason, not just preeclampsia).

[princesspurr]

I have people that have told me to move on... I have said some pretty mean things to them. It is not something you move on from. You are going to have good days and bad days... there are more good days as time goes on, but 8 years later, I still have bad days. I still cry on her birthday and the day she passed away. I still cry on mother's day. I have accepted it at this point. I lost my daughter, I tired for TWO YEARS to get pregnant and no one has the right to tell me how or when to grieve. It is unfair, it is not right, and it is no your fault. You will start to feel more like your oldself in time, but I think it took me a good year to feel remotely "normal." I'm still scared to try to get pregnant, it is very overwhelming, and knowing what a battle it was when I was 24 and now being almost 34 I am not thinking it will be any easier. Plus, I know have a new hubby who hasn't had to experience the tragedy and live with the daily heart break and knowing I'm at risk for this to happen again... I just don't know. Long story short, you are normal, you are perfect the way your are. Grieve how you need to, because you are the one that was strong enough to live through it. Keep fighting, Keep believing and know that you have an little perfect angel watching over you <3

[wooleybear]

I am so sorry for your loss, I agree with another poster, definitely find your outlet on here and join a support group or see a therapist. I also liked self help books, and they aren't to make you move on at certain time, but they help you work through your emotions. I will list a book below, check it out if you can.


I am sorry to hear about them pressuring you, I began to think about our mothers and what they watch us go through. My mom has been very supportive of me, but lately she keeps suggesting that when I go back to work I will probably feel better and get through it because I will be busy. It sucks your mom asked you watch your brothers girlfriends baby because they are in school, but maybe, just maybe, you could think how our moms come from a different time and they dealt with things differently. My mom is 68, she had a miscarriage early on between me and my sister. She also told me how her mothers first child was stillborn and she remembers my grandmom never talking about it. I think older generations think about loss differently, it was so shoved under the carpet, especially when it came to the loss of a pregnancy or baby...women were just supposed to move on. But it is 2012, and we know now we have to express ourselves and our grief to come out stronger and still remain a healthy adult.


I hope you find peace in some small way. I am thinking of you!

here is a book I loved, it just talks about dealing with gains and losses in life and it has numerous journal entries you can do to work through them
The Losses of Our Lives, The sacred gifts of renewal in everyday loss
By: Dr Nancy Copeland-Payton

Soleil Sophia
born sleeping on May 23, 2012
32 weeks
severe pre e and infection

[bsherricca]

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories once again i am reminded of why i come here ...i will definately check out the book recommendation and yes i was seeing a greif counselor it didnt really help i wld be perfectly fine one minute and the next.... well you guys know how it is ... many hugs to each of you ...Niki my heart pains for you and the experience you had ....warm hugs