Back to Work

[wooleybear]

I am getting some anxiety going back to work in a week. I am a teacher and lost my sweet baby girl, Soleil, at the end of May this year. I of course didn't go back to work, school ended in late June. So I have been off work since the end of May and now school starts in a week. So many emotions are going through me. I feel like such a failure in front of my colleagues and students. I know they probably don't think that of me, but it is constantly going through my mind. I am really hoping that no girls come back from the summer pregnant, it is so hard watching a young teenage girl go through this, especially after what happened to me, I will feel so resentful that she is so young, knowing she is going to struggle through a pregnancy. I also hope the new freshman students who don't know what happened won't ask me if im pregnant, because I haven't lost all the weight yet. I am hoping I don't meltdown.


Im so sick of people telling me I will feel better once I go back to work, like it is some cure to make me stop thinking. I think it is so hard this first semester too because I was supposed to be on pregnancy leave until December, but I feel like Im going back with my tail between my legs in September, oh God, I just don't want to go back sometimes. How did you deal with going back to work, any expectations I should consider?

[sam10]

Every first after a loss is so hard, including going back to work.

I cannot quite imagine how it would be to go back to a school environment with so many people to deal with. I work in an office and have just a small number of people around me, so it felt ok for the most part after the first awkward weeks. Everybody knew what had happened, as I was on maternity leave much too early. It was difficult to concentrate at first, but then I welcomed the structured distraction. It gave me something to do, to fill the void that was left behind. It was not easy and many bathroom breaks were filled with tears and sadness. I also cried during my morning commute (in the car) every day for a long time. I still sometimes do.

Everybody's grief expresses differently and we all need different things to somewhat feel comfortable and find our footing again. I hope you will find your way back to work and can explore ways to also integrate some positive experience.

Sending you hugs and will be thinking of you.

[kerisue]

I really didn't want to go back to work either- not because I felt like a failure, but because my work involves other people's children (though I'm not a teacher) and I wondered if I could really go back to that after losing my own. But I couldn't afford to quit so I did go back to work. I won't lie, it was hard. There were alot of people around me who were pregnant and one I worked directly with whose due date was very close to mine. It was so difficult seeing her walking around hugely pregnant when my baby was dead and buried. But we bear what must be born. If I had not had to go back to work for financial and health insurance reasons I wouldn't have and would have explored a different line of work. That being said, it did in fact provide some distraction from my grief at times. Good luck to you- I hope you find only love and support from students and staff alike if/when you go back.

[holly3372@msn.com]

oh I know I so understand! Going back to work was so so hard for me as well. I felt all the emotions you are decribing, every one of them. I specialize in prenatal and fertilty massage and health counseling so it was such a struggle to go back. I thought, how would i have it in me to care for, encourage ,nurture these women? How will I handle when a women with a huge 40 week pregnant belly come in complining how "done" she is and can't wait for it to be over already! How will I feel when people ask if I'm pregnant or how the baby is??

Well, like others have said it wasn't easy and yes all of the above happened at one time or another. Some days were better then others. Depending on who asked what and how I was that day I would explain sometimes in great detail to those I felt it was ok to do so, and others I kept it short, simple. Sometimes I felt myself just start to cry, and sometime I didn't. It was just something I had to go through. For a long time I kept it a secret from many of my newer clients. I didn't want tp "upset" or "scare " anyone, didn't want to sound negative to these women who were after all coming to see me to relax and escape all that. Then when it was a year gone by since we lost our son Benjamin I knew it was time to come out.I was tired of pretending that I had no children when clients asked, tired of being afraid. I wrote an article about my story in a local paper and another on line with a woman who is very well known for her prenatal yoga here. I felt liberated and free.

So many women came foward to tell me of thier losses and fears. I soon started a support group with local hospitals for women who were going through or had gone through what we have.I remeber at first I was ready to quit doing the work I had loved so much before. I had changed so much and didn't feel I had it in me any longer to teach, love and nurture others. It was all so raw still, I was in the thick of my grief. It took time, lots of time but I got there.. Take it one day at a time, it is so true that saying. It will not be easy, but I promise that it will get easier as time goes by for you to work again. You are not alone . Sending love and strength. xo

[wooleybear]

So I started back to work, about a week in or so. The days the teachers had to be in with no students and we were setting up our rooms, I kept getting rushes of anxiety that I shouldn't be there, I should of been on maternity leave. I kept pushing on to get through the day. Since the kids have been back, Im just so busy and tired to even think about anything else. Everyone has been really nice to me, which is odd at the city school I teach in. That has helped somewhat. I did an art project around loss and letting go, we looked at mandalas and Native American sand art, and students drew, etched in a plate of sand and took pictures of it, then destroyed them. I just still have some really really rough days, then Im ok other days. Guess it is just the grieving process.


Lost beautiful Soleil Sophia
May 23, 2012
32 weeks
Pre E and infection

I miss you so much!!!!!!

[holly3372@msn.com]

I know it's very hard going back to work. I know some moments and some days will be harder then others. I like that you used art. I did as well, it was a way of expressing so much I was feeling. I wish you strength to continue your days at work. I am very happy to hear that people have been kind to you, that makes a big difference. Love to you. One day at a time!!