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Dealing with ignorance

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Dealing with ignorance

Postby olivejuice0806 » Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:25 am

by olivejuice0806 (64 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:25 am

Just wondering how you all deal with friends and family who act like you are out of your mind. I have a friend on facebook who is "due" a couple of weeks before I am. Anytime I post anything about the baby or pregnancy, she wants to compare my post to her "normal" pregnancy, and make it seem like my doctor is mis-managing me. How do you put these people in their place without being rude?
Shanda (38)
Baby #1 PE 11/3/1993 39 weeks 7lbs. 4oz.
Baby #2 Severe PE/HELLP 9/21/1999 31 weeks 4lbs. 2oz
Baby #3 Mild PE 6/1/2007 39 weeks 7lbs. 1oz.
Baby #4 PE 10/31/2012 37 weeks 6lbs. 11 oz.
Miscarriage 5/2010
Miscarriage 10/2011
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby caryn » Mon Sep 24, 2012 01:25 pm

by caryn (10111 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 01:25 pm

I think I'd say something like, "If I weren't known to be so high-risk for complications, I'm sure my doctors would be managing me differently. But given my history and some of those worrisome readings we've gotten recently" (if this is true!) "I don't get to be normal. And that's okay, especially if I get to take home a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy."

What have you said?
Science! The articles you don't want to miss:
The Preeclampsia Puzzle (New Yorker) and Silent Struggle: A New Theory of Pregnancy (New York Times)
Looking for recent articles and studies? Lectures from researchers?
A chance to participate in research? For us on Facebook or Twitter?

Caryn, @carynjrogers, who is not a doctor and who talks about science stuff *way* too much
DS Oscar born by emergent C-section at 34 weeks for fetal indicators, due to severe PE
DD Bridget born by C-section after water broke at 39 weeks after a healthy pregnancy
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby olivejuice0806 » Mon Sep 24, 2012 03:46 pm

by olivejuice0806 (64 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 03:46 pm

something very similar. But she continues to say things like "Wow! that's way early!" When I say something about my doctor doing a c-section at 37 weeks. I know it shouldn't bother me, but I think so many people just take it for granted that they will have 40+ week, normal pregnancies with beautiful, normal deliveries. They forget that there are so many that aren't that fortunate.
Shanda (38)
Baby #1 PE 11/3/1993 39 weeks 7lbs. 4oz.
Baby #2 Severe PE/HELLP 9/21/1999 31 weeks 4lbs. 2oz
Baby #3 Mild PE 6/1/2007 39 weeks 7lbs. 1oz.
Baby #4 PE 10/31/2012 37 weeks 6lbs. 11 oz.
Miscarriage 5/2010
Miscarriage 10/2011
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby holly3372@msn.com » Mon Sep 24, 2012 06:46 pm

by holly3372@msn.com (478 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 06:46 pm

Ugh!!! Yeah I hear you ! I have become so blunt I just cannot help myself lol I just come right out and say, "It's not too early for someone like me with my history I have to be watched very careful." or my "Pregnancy is very different then yours,remember??" I have even come right out and said " Well being that many women suffer a loss due to pre-e including their own lives,I am not taking any chances nor are my "high risk" docs!" I never have to get rude, I just stop them dead in their tracks as soon as the bull**** starts coming lol 8-)
Benjamin Spider Reeves born 4-28-2010( 1lb 6oz 26 weeks to severe pre-e and Iugr) we lost you after 4 long months in the NICU. You fought so hard,and were so brave.Our first baby .We miss you everyday and love you forever xo

Expecting ,dreaming, and hoping for our baby Girl sometime in January 2013
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby princess purr » Mon Sep 24, 2012 09:09 pm

by princess purr (1092 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 09:09 pm

I would be blunt, over the years I have kind of lost tolerance to ignorant people LOL Like when people ask me why my husband and I aren't trying to start a family, I say something along the lines of... it's really a private decision but if you must know getting pregnant could kill me and I don't want to loss another child.. so it is not a choice that we have the luxury of taking lightly unlike most people. That normally shuts them up LOL Mean, but I just am tired of getting the same questions from the same people.
Val (34) & Carlos (32)
Married: April 29th 2011
Veronica Rosina, 11/25/2004-11/27/2004
Born at 26.5 weeks (1 lb 4oz, 14 inches) because of severe preeclampsia (doc says I was on my way to HELLP but not there yet)
Nicholas Robert, 11/22/2013 7 lb 7oz 19.5 inches, born at 36 weeks (due to previous classical c-section) PE FREE!!!!!!
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby olivejuice0806 » Mon Sep 24, 2012 09:09 pm

by olivejuice0806 (64 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 09:09 pm

My problem is that they think you are over-exaggerating no matter what you say. I don't have the same friends, or even the same husband as I did 13 years ago when I actually almost died to have a baby. So, when I say that, they look at me like "oh yeah, ok." I want to say "Oh yeah, because high risk OB's have all this extra time on their hands, so they have started treating women who don't really need it!"
Shanda (38)
Baby #1 PE 11/3/1993 39 weeks 7lbs. 4oz.
Baby #2 Severe PE/HELLP 9/21/1999 31 weeks 4lbs. 2oz
Baby #3 Mild PE 6/1/2007 39 weeks 7lbs. 1oz.
Baby #4 PE 10/31/2012 37 weeks 6lbs. 11 oz.
Miscarriage 5/2010
Miscarriage 10/2011
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby sam10 » Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:07 pm

by sam10 (1436 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:07 pm

My strategy is NOT to post on FB about my pregnancy at all. This is certainly a very personal decision, but it works for me to avoid hurtful, though mostly unintended, comments from others. People are quicker to respond/say hurtful things online or via text, sometimes also the phone than when you see them personally, at least this is my ecperience.
If I do come across insensitive comments, I am always honest, straightforward, yet still friendly ( yeah, this is tough sometimes).
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby tree » Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:36 pm

by tree (819 Posts), Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:36 pm

Most women idealize healthy pregnancies, and we can really disrupt their certainty that everything will be fine (for them). I have had some really awkward discussions with close friends and not-so-close friends when they hound me about having another baby because of this. It seems like they want me to reassure them that my next pregnancy will be fine so that theirs will be fine. I find it weird.
I agree with Julija about having these discussions in-person only (if possible). I get into arguments every time something like this comes up on Facebook, and I am not even pregnant. I am very honest with my close friends about what happened and what I think I would have to do if there is a "next time". Sometimes, it is easier to joke about it a little. I occasionally tease pregnant friends when they complain about being huge and miserable at the end of pregnancy. I tell them that I graduated early (or flunked out) and never had to deal with any of that. Hey, I almost died, but I totally avoided hemorrhoids :D Humor makes it easier to be sort of nice when you have to fake it.
Daughter born April 2009 at 35 weeks due to Class 1 HELLP
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby angieb » Tue Sep 25, 2012 11:05 am

by angieb (1192 Posts), Tue Sep 25, 2012 11:05 am

Yep, what julija said.

I almost never post about my pregnancy on facebook. I spent a week in the hospital in May and never even mentioned it on my facebook page. It's just not necessary. I don't care for the extra attention, the people who needed to know, knew where I was and why and what was going on. I'm having some issues (hopefully minor) this pregnancy, only the people who need to know, know about it, that does not need to be my entire FB friend list. I'm private about things now, partly to protect myself from dumb but well meaning comments, partly because I have friends who have struggled to even get pregnant, and partly it's just easier this way.

As for discussions about delivery,etc., since I had a classical c-section the first time, no one in their right mind would argue we should try to make it to 40 weeks. Our first daughter died and I would have absolutely no qualms about saying "I'd much rather have a living baby at 37 weeks than a stillborn baby at 40 weeks." I would imagine that would shut them up pretty quickly.
Me (29) DH (30)
#1-Olivia Caetlyn-9-28-09-9-28-09, 23+2 wks, emergency classic c-section, class I HELLP, IUGR
#2- Lucas Oliver (rainbow baby)- April 2011, 36+2 wks, HELLP and pre-e free! (lovenox and LDA pregnancy)
#3-Matthew, late October 2012...mostly normal, 37 wks, (lovenox and LDA again)
My blog: http://www.butterflies-and-rainbows.blogspot.com/
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Re: Dealing with ignorance

Postby holly3372@msn.com » Tue Sep 25, 2012 12:09 am

by holly3372@msn.com (478 Posts), Tue Sep 25, 2012 12:09 am

Same here for the facebook thing, I have not once mentioned on it anything about the loss of my son, or about being pregnant.
Benjamin Spider Reeves born 4-28-2010( 1lb 6oz 26 weeks to severe pre-e and Iugr) we lost you after 4 long months in the NICU. You fought so hard,and were so brave.Our first baby .We miss you everyday and love you forever xo

Expecting ,dreaming, and hoping for our baby Girl sometime in January 2013
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