Loneliness and TTC

[babyjames]

It's been 3 months since I lost my son and now we are TTC once again.

Before the tragedy happened my outlook on many things were very different to now. I was very positive about the pregnancy, happy about the arrival of our son and looking forward to the preparation that I had to do. Life seemed perfect for me then. And then PE took over and changed everything in a flash. From the moment PE was diagnosed the loneliness sets in but its impact and the reality wasn't felt until a few days had been spent in hospital (which turned out to be almost 2 months) and no improvement was detected with my baby's growth. My life changed in a flash, a change that I didn't want and didn't like.

Now the reality of it has hit hard and the loneliness is so heavy. I never knew that this loneliness would be so overbearing and so dominant in my life.

Does anybody else feel this loneliness while ttc? Although I know that there are ways to avoid/reduce/minimise the loneliness but when it happens to you it paralyses you and trying to feel "positive" about the future is quite hard to do. It is also very hard when a lot of my friends have had their babies now and I am the only one in the group that didn't come home with a baby and seeing pictures of their little ones in the social networks just cements that loneliness further.

Were/are you lonely too while ttc? How did you handle it? Did you cope? and did the arrival of another baby "cure" your loneliness or did it just remind you of what you have lost previously?

I would like to hear your stories

[LBD30]

Although, I did not loose our daughter after preeclampsia hit, I can relate to the extreme emotions that many women feel. Not only being traumatized by loosing your son, but traumatized also from having pre-e. I thought I was ready to TTC to again, but after 2 MFM visits, I realized I was not ready. Going to therapy has really helped me as most cannot possibly understand what you have gone through.

[holly3372@msn.com]

Hello. I lost my son 2 years ago. I had him at 26 weeks 5 days. He lived for 4 months in the Nicu before we lost him. It has been a long road. I am now 40 years old and today I am 27 weeks pregnant. Never thought I'd make it this far even. I went through alot after our loss, lots of mixed emotions, fears and yes lonelines. I watched friends and family have beautiful babies with ease. I felt that loneliness after his death, while trying again and now being pregnant. People tell me, oh you shouldnt worry so much, this time is different you shouldnt compare to last time. I know people mean well, but the truth is, unless you have been through it you truly do not understand. That's when I go on here to this site. I read these womens stories, I post my fears, concerns and my joys with people that get it. It is not easy of course, but you are not alone my friend. Sending you love, courage and strength. xo

[Maplecat6]

The first months after losing my daughter were incredibly difficult. I didn't know that I could feel so much profound sadness that did not get better. Trying to conceive again felt incredibly brave and scary. The grief was still with me. My subsequent pregnancy was entirely different than any of my other pregnancies. We didn't take a single thing for granted and were worried the entire time. My husband and I felt the weight of that worry like a ton of bricks. Before gettng pregnant, I didn't think it would be possible to be worried all the time--eventually, I thought you would get used to it. We didn't. My grief over losing Rosie carried through my prengnacy. My grief is nowhere near as raw as it was initially, but it is still with me. She died 18 months ago and I still feel her loss every day. Most days are good, but I can still be blindsided by the loss.

During my subsequent pregnancy, I went to a support group. It was very helpful to sit around the table with other women who got it. It made me feel like our situation was crazy, not us. It didn't make the pregnancy any easier, but it helped me to feel stronger.

My grief did not go away with the next pregnancy or the birth of my second daughter. However, my arms no longer ache for a baby. My days are full. I am so glad my husband and I tried again. I miss my first daughter and I'm thankful I get to hold and watch my second daughter grow. I still feel set apart from other families because so few have walked a similar path. I'm still figuring out how much to share about my family with new people. None of it has been easy. Nothing has felt easy since my first daughter was born.

We started counseling three months ago and it has made a world of difference. Just having a place to talk about my pregnancies, loss, and hopes for the future has been such a relief.

[tinakerry]

Hi ladies

I know how you all feel it’s been 9months and i still battle with the loneliness everyday even when i see friends babies makes my depression even worse. DH does not feel he is ready to try again and i feel like i can’t breathe if i don’t try again. Like time is just moving so slow. Because i don’t remember much about it all, he remembers everything that happened so he is scared of it happening again. Because of pre eclampsia i now have Deep vein thrombosis for life which is a risky thing to have if we want to TCC again next year. Life just seems like a black cloud following me and some days it’s really heavy.

With time i can only hope i can live with the pain. What hurts a lot is that it took us 5years to actually get pregnant with my baby girl.

[babyjames]

Thanks ladies. Your comments do help. And it's comforting to know that you ladies feel like me.

It's not only loneliness I feel but it's the alienation from the "mother's group" and from pregnant women. Before I lost my son many of my friends would keep in contact with me and ask about my pregnancy but since then they have been quiet and considerably absent. I moved to a new town early this year and so I relied on the social networking sites to keep in touch with friends and family. But when I do go into these sites all I see is pictures of newborns andother pregnant friends. It makes me sad and it hurts me. It hurts to see what I have lost and what I am missing out on. and I know that those pictures are not meant to send me those kinds of messages but when you lose a baby and you see pictures of newborns everywhere your mind and your heart just gets confused and even more sadder. I feel that it's not fair to be seeing those things in those sites esp when I use those sites as a source of distraction and companion during my lonely times. I feel even more isolated and alienated from it. And so I opted to be away as much as possible from those sites and just keep myself buried into my work. But the more I stay away the more I feel very lonely and abandoned. I also noticed that not many of my friends would comment on any pics that I post of my son's momentos like teddy bears, cards, etc.. That makes me think that whenever I post such things it makes them feel uncomfortable and so therefore they resort to "tip-toeing" around me.