The first months after losing my daughter were incredibly difficult. I didn't know that I could feel so much profound sadness that did not get better. Trying to conceive again felt incredibly brave and scary. The grief was still with me. My subsequent pregnancy was entirely different than any of my other pregnancies. We didn't take a single thing for granted and were worried the entire time. My husband and I felt the weight of that worry like a ton of bricks. Before gettng pregnant, I didn't think it would be possible to be worried all the time--eventually, I thought you would get used to it. We didn't. My grief over losing Rosie carried through my prengnacy. My grief is nowhere near as raw as it was initially, but it is still with me. She died 18 months ago and I still feel her loss every day. Most days are good, but I can still be blindsided by the loss.
During my subsequent pregnancy, I went to a support group. It was very helpful to sit around the table with other women who got it. It made me feel like our situation was crazy, not us. It didn't make the pregnancy any easier, but it helped me to feel stronger.
My grief did not go away with the next pregnancy or the birth of my second daughter. However, my arms no longer ache for a baby. My days are full. I am so glad my husband and I tried again. I miss my first daughter and I'm thankful I get to hold and watch my second daughter grow. I still feel set apart from other families because so few have walked a similar path. I'm still figuring out how much to share about my family with new people. None of it has been easy. Nothing has felt easy since my first daughter was born.
We started counseling three months ago and it has made a world of difference. Just having a place to talk about my pregnancies, loss, and hopes for the future has been such a relief.
Amy, mom to almost 5
Quinn, 4/28/06, no complications
Lou, 5/8/09, no complications
Rosie, 3/13/11-3/29/11, eclampsia at 27 weeks and then died from NEC
Sara, 5/3/12, no complications other than an obscene amount of monitoring
Baby #5 due in 2/15