You're totally not alone. I still find myself sometimes starring just a little too long at very full term pregnant women- kinda like their an animal in a zoo because being full term and walking a doing normal things is SO foreign to me. We've all hidden behind a smile, so I really try to remind myself that you can't know someone else's story just by looking at them.
I held off on doing anything and everything for our second. I didn't even want to talk about the pregnancy with people. A good friend told me to try to "Fake it 'til you make it", so I did. Even though that natural excitement that I had with my first wasn't there to buy things and look forward, I did my best to fake it... and somewhere along the way it became real and felt right.
In retrospect I wish I had done more. You're pregnant so short a time in your entire life, I wish I would have faked it a little more, a little earlier. In hindsight (so obnoxiously 20/20) I understand that being excited, doing things for our new baby wasn't going to erase any love I had for our first, and wasn't going to stop or cause anything bad to happen. And if I did, I would have wanted to have those same special memories with our 2nd that I did with our first.
There's no doubt it's so complicated, and each of us have to find the road that's right for us, that brings us the most peace. I am hopeful you'll find the road that is right for you.
2008-Our Baby Girl, PTL born too early at 30w6d, Fought so hard... Forever Loved & Missed
2010- Lil' Bro, Pre-E at 29 weeks... Induced at 36w6d, Born 37w
2012- Lil' Sis, Super-imposed pre-e at 25 weeks, PTL & GD at 35 weeks, Evicted 36w