by vivsmommy (3 Posts), Thu Mar 11, 2010 06:20 am
Hello all, I am a newbie. I am so happy I found this site. I have NEVER spoken to anyone about the terrible sadness I experience over my experience with Preelampsia and having to see my daughter in the N.I.C.U. My daughter is 16 months and perfectly fine, but I still can't get over that pain of seeing my baby so helpless. I guess I will tell you my story.
I went to the doctors at 27 weeks because my feet were horribly swollen and so were my hands. I had to get my wedding ring cut off. I went to my mothers house and she told me to go right back to the doctors. Thank goodness I did because my blood pressure was at 200/94, I was seeing spots, and I had the worse headache. Long story short they admitted me, did some tests, and diagnosed me with preeclampsia.
Everyday in the hospital I was giving blood and vitals taken every hour. The worse, I'm pretty sure you ladies can relate, was the heart monitor. Oh my goodness...this was the source of all of my sadness. When I would move in my sleep I would wake up in fear because I couldn't hear it. By day three they had to do an emergency C-section because blood was not getting to my baby. The C-section was a breeze. The anti siezer meds were a monster.
What I was not prepared for was not having my baby with me. It was the most agonizing feeling I've ever felt. Seeing her with all those machines and tubes literally made me want to just die. Everytime I had to go home I felt like I was being gutted. I could NOT stop crying to the point I would lose my breath. I did not sleep for a week, and could not eat. The N.I.C.U was open 23 hours and I was there off and on about 18 of those.
After a 2 week stay my daughter was able to come home. However, I remained scared...I mean so filled with fear for my baby that I would stand over her crib, pray constantly, and wake up in a cold sweat and run to my babies side to make sure she was fine. My husband, family, and friends could not help me...I felt so scared!
My doctor said I had post traumatic stress syndrome coupled with postpartum depression. He prescribed me medication, but I refused to take it cause I wanted to be 100% alert for my daughter. I was so obsessed with her being okay that it took over my life. For the first 4 months I had reoccurring nightmares that my daughter was still in the N.I.C.U and had fallen behind her "bubble" she was in. The worse was I was told to bring her a balloon by one of the nurses, I woke up before I could give it to her. I cried the whole day over that dream. Sometimes I would still hear her heart monitors as i woke up.
Fast forward 16 months later and I still cry. A song will play on the radio and I will lose it (not infront of anyone, I just go somewhere alone to cry). I still have minor heart issues from the preeclampsia. I still wake up in fear and check my daughter to make sure she is breathing. Everytime I think about my pregnancy all I want to do is cry. My husband wants us to have another child, but I refuse.
Why does this still hurt? Why can't I look at my daughter and feel proud instead of sad? Why am I completely obsessed with her safety to the point I am scared to let any one other than my husband and mother watch her? When will the crying stop? Anyone else traumatized by there experience with preeclampsia? Does it ever get better.
Sorry about the rant everyone, this is just the first time I've ever spoken so openly about this pain. She is my whole life and I love her so so so much, but I just want to forget about her traumatic birth and focus on the pure joy she brings us and our future!