Am I a bad person???

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Am I a bad person???

Postby jmr122 » Fri Jul 09, 2010 09:14 am

Yesterday I received an e-mail from my off again, on again, so called best friend for the past 20 years telling me that she is 7 weeks pregnant. I lost my baby at 18 weeks 4 days January 14, 2010. Am I a bad person because when I recived her e-mail I broke down balling my eyes out... I feel horrible... Not that I am not happy for her, I am very happy for her but I couldn't help having this horribly anxious, angry feeling inside. I feel like it threw me right back into that depressed mode I was in when I came home from the hospital... She also has in the past 20 years not always been the best friend. She has always been very competitive on every level of life and I cannot help feeling in a way like she was shoving this in my face, like ha ha, I am pregnant and you aren't...
You would have to know her...... Hope no one thinks bad of me....
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby annes » Fri Jul 09, 2010 02:30 pm

Jeanne, of course you are not a bad person, you are human! It is really hard to hear about other people's pregnancies and babies, especially when your loss is so fresh. I think it is natural to be happy for someone and wish the best for them, while at the same time wishing things could have turned out differently for you. You are not hoping something bad will happen to your friend and her baby. I totslly can related to the competitive friend thing, I think we all have that person in our lives. If she is not good for you right now, it is ok for you to be in one of your "off" periods. ((hugs)) take care of yourself.
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby jmr122 » Fri Jul 09, 2010 02:33 pm

Anne, Thanks for your response and understanding. I think you are right and it is time for one of those "off" times....
quote:
Originally posted by AnneS

Jeanne, of course you are not a bad person, you are human! It is really hard to hear about other people's pregnancies and babies, especially when your loss is so fresh. I think it is natural to be happy for someone and wish the best for them, while at the same time wishing things could have turned out differently for you. You are not hoping something bad will happen to your friend and her baby. I totslly can related to the competitive friend thing, I think we all have that person in our lives. If she is not good for you right now, it is ok for you to be in one of your "off" periods. ((hugs)) take care of yourself.

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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby suzieq8204 » Fri Jul 09, 2010 02:44 pm

I understand your pain! And I for one do not think you are a bad person and if you are then guess what I am too. I have been in your shoes excpet I could not get preg. and it hurt me and my husband every month and then every single time we heard about a family member or a friend that was. It was not that we were not happy for them it was just that it hurt us. So I know how you feel and I am praying for you. And send you BIG HUGS!!
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby jenmatt1 » Mon Jul 12, 2010 09:54 am

I understand your feelings. I have a few of these friends in my life. When I had my last 2 miscarriages - one in 2nd trimester- I had a friend that seemed to rub in everything about her pregnancy, her child's 1st birthday, etc. I was really happy that she had a healthy baby, but I couldn't be part of those things. Now I am 14 weeks pregnant and so is my sister in law. We have a due date 2 days a part. This is their first child and I am happy for them, but they can't seem to understand that I can not compare notes with them along the way. I tried being polite about it, but it has gotten to the point where finally I told them they had to stop- that I was happy for them but not comfortable with comparing every aspect of our pregnancy. I was basically told I was stealing their thunder since everyone was worried about me. So sorry that me & my daughter almost died last time , but I think people should be worried about my family during this pregnancy. My husband's first cousin's wife had HELLP and so did I, so it makes me think there is some connection through hubby, but when I mentioned this to her and to make sure she keeps track of her bp and the signs, I was told that nothing ever happened in her family so stop trying to make her nervous. You know what- no one in my family ever had a c-section before, never mind an emergency delivery, so I don't think I was being pushy by telling her to be vigilent during her pregnancy. For now, we are in a time out too. Luckily we live in different states, so I don't have to deal with this every day.

I think what you are feeling is normal and it is ok for us to make choices that are right for us no matter what anyone else things.
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby riehlism » Thu Jul 15, 2010 05:56 pm

I completely understand. I lost my baby boy about a month and a half ago and babies and belly bumps are everywhere. Some people might not have that kind of filter. There were 3 of us pregnant at the same time at work. After the news of what happened spread, one of my co-workers sent me a message asking how I was doing. Then she went on to say how much it sucks that she just found out she has gestational diabetes because it was 3 points higher than normal. She also wanted to know if I wanted to go walking with her (and her big giant belly...sorry, I added that part). I understand that was probably worrisome for her. But at the same time I remember thinking: "Really? Of all people you complain about that to me? My son died 3 weeks ago. Did you think that was a really smart thing to relay to me?" It wasn't malicious. But part of me did feel like she was rubbing it in. Perhaps it was natural defensiveness. Perhaps it was in appropriate for her to say something like that. In any case, she (like many other friends) are on pause. You're not alone in how you feel. I think it's good. It means you're honest and forefront about your feelings. That's better than falsifying your feelings any day.
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby joker » Fri Jul 16, 2010 00:16 am

You are not a bad person. Its very normal to feel like that. It still upsets me when friends tell me they are pg. I think it because pg is so easy for most people I know, but it isn't for me and it makes me sad. Hugs.
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby leeann34 » Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:20 pm

I can relate to your story and believe me your feelings are completely normal. My co-worker at work announced her pregnancy to everyone in a meeting shortly after I lost my daughter. I broke down in tears and had to leave the meeting. In fact, I had to leave work. I cried all the way home while driving. It's heartbreaking to hear of someone else's pregnancy after loosing a child. I completley understand and no it's not bad that you feel that way, it's just honest feelings that you can't help but feel.
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Re : Am I a bad person???

Postby jmr122 » Fri Aug 06, 2010 01:00 pm

I want to thank all of you so much for understanding and replying to me! It means so much to me!
quote:
Originally posted by Leeann34

I can relate to your story and believe me your feelings are completely normal. My co-worker at work announced her pregnancy to everyone in a meeting shortly after I lost my daughter. I broke down in tears and had to leave the meeting. In fact, I had to leave work. I cried all the way home while driving. It's heartbreaking to hear of someone else's pregnancy after loosing a child. I completley understand and no it's not bad that you feel that way, it's just honest feelings that you can't help but feel.

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