6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
jules2
Registered User
Posts: 514
Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 06:26 am

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Postby jules2 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 05:26 pm

This is so so hard. My SIL was due 3 weeks after me .... I still have not seen her daughter (nearly one year on) and just don't want to. I'm honestly not sure I ever will.

DH's family don't really understand that, and think I should be "ok" by now. They particularly seem to think it doesn't matter that Alice died now that I am pregnant again and that too is really hard. My daughter is still dead; I don't really want to think about DH's niece doing all the things my daughter can never experience.

One of my closest friends was due a week before me, and I still have not seen her daughter (all friends and family pregnant at the same time as me had baby girls too). It took quite a while for us to talk again, but actually she has been very understanding and never even mentions her daughter when I am around. That is really the exception though. Most of my friends have not been great, many just ignored me (no, I haven't been great fun); its just too hard for them to accept that these things happen. I'm not really very forgiving of that either.


User avatar
m
Registered User
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2009 05:43 pm

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Postby m » Sat Jul 24, 2010 00:28 am

I feel very strongly that anyone who has never had a loss should take the time to visit some grief web sites - most of them have a page of things to do and say and things to NOT do and say. One of the big things to not say is "I understand" if you clearly do not. There is no way someone who has not had a loss can understand. I am so lucky to have a very good friend who repeatedly would tell me that she had no idea what I was going through but that she wanted to help in any way she could.

I had to distance myself from some people who were very insensitive and also from some who really wanted to help but really had no clue and kept making things worse.

User avatar
kerisue
Forum Moderator
Posts: 623
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:43 pm

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Postby kerisue » Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:29 pm

Everyone around me is pregnant too. One coworker is due just a couple weeks after I (was supposed to be) due. I dread going back to work and seeing her all happy and pregnant and looking like I SHOULD be looking.

User avatar
riehlism
Registered User
Posts: 655
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 03:57 pm
Location: Reseda, CA

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Postby riehlism » Fri Jul 23, 2010 04:37 pm

Sometimes I feel like people say they understand, just to be nice, or because it's the right thing to say. But sympathy and empathy are two different things. If they really understood they wouldn't do things like send your pictures of their babies (or like in our cases, mom or mother in law sharing pictures), or share ultrasound pictures. I even had a friend send me an email about how devastated she was when she found out she didn't pass her gestational diabetes test by a whopping 3 points.

I understand that babies and pregnancy is part of every day life (although 7 in my case really unfortunate timing...thanks life), people shouldn't rub it in, whether accidental or purposeful. I guess I wish people were more sensitive to it.

User avatar
m
Registered User
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2009 05:43 pm

Re : 6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Postby m » Fri Jul 23, 2010 03:23 pm

I totally understand how you're feeling - it's so hard to be around pregnant women after a loss, and to hear their updates and see pictures of babies. My SIL had a baby almost a year after my loss and it was still so hard for me. I had to ask my MIL to please stop sending me pictures of him. Even if you are adjusting well, it still takes time. People really just don't understand. Some days it made me so mad and other days just sad that this was one more thing to add to my heartache.

User avatar
riehlism
Registered User
Posts: 655
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 03:57 pm
Location: Reseda, CA

6 Pregnant Friends and a Pregnant Sister

Postby riehlism » Fri Jul 23, 2010 02:18 pm

My baby was due September 17, 2010. I delivered him on June 3, 2010 and he died shortly after his birth. And somehow, in this very small window, it seems as if all my girlfriends decided to jump on the baby train. The topper was my sister sending me a text message that she's pregnant. It seems like no one around me understands.

I have sent friends individual messages explaining my situation and wishing them luck in their pregnancies. I have also explained that, given the circumstances, it is difficult for me to be around them. In addition to that, I sent mutual friends messages asking them to do me the favor of filtering information about babies and pregnancies (mass emails, Facebook postings, pictures, etc) while I mourn for my son. So far I have received no messages back. Everyone seems to be steering clear of me. I'm no longer the "fun friend." I'm just the "lady who lost a baby and is a bit of a bummer these days."

I understand that people may not know how to deal with being around a friend who has experienced a recent hardship. I understand that people may have a hard time trying to console others. I get that. But to not even say, "I understand, take your time." Or "I'm not sure what to do or say, but I'm here." Instead, all I get is people ignoring me or staying away from me.

To add insult to injury, my mom sent me a picture text message last night of my nephew. my only nephew who is 18 months old, and whose baby pictures mimic my son's face. I know she sent it to show me how cute he is. But how clueless can she be? My own mother. She may as well have said: hey, here's what your son could have looked like. Too bad he's in a box.

I like to thing I have been adjusting to the loss of my son well. But throw me a bone here. I appreciate this forum because I know it is full of moms like me who truly understand. I wish I could find that comfort in my own everyday life.


Return to “Grief and Loss”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests