It's one month today since my baby girl died. Longer than she was even alive. I can't help thinking that I should still be pregnant with her, about 32 weeks I believe. The last month has been the longest of my life and yet it feels like it's flown by at the same time.
I had congestive heart failure secondary to me PE. Today was a follow up echocardiogram to make sure everything is back to normal. When I scheduled it I wasn't thinking about what day it was. Walking into the hospital for the echo was so incredibly difficult today. I wanted to run up to the NICU and go to her spot and find her there so badly. I'd been holding it together most of the day, waiting to get to Millie's grave to break down, but when the echo tech asked me about my baby I just lost it. I was crying softly during most of the procedure.
In the last month I've had moments where I've thought that I was maybe going to survive this horrible loss. Today was one of the days where the pain felt like more than I could or wanted to try and handle. It's just crushing sometimes isn't it?
Thanks for listening.