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One month down

Postby kerisue » Wed Aug 04, 2010 01:11 am

by kerisue (623 Posts), Wed Aug 04, 2010 01:11 am

It's one month today since my baby girl died. Longer than she was even alive. I can't help thinking that I should still be pregnant with her, about 32 weeks I believe. The last month has been the longest of my life and yet it feels like it's flown by at the same time.

I had congestive heart failure secondary to me PE. Today was a follow up echocardiogram to make sure everything is back to normal. When I scheduled it I wasn't thinking about what day it was. Walking into the hospital for the echo was so incredibly difficult today. I wanted to run up to the NICU and go to her spot and find her there so badly. I'd been holding it together most of the day, waiting to get to Millie's grave to break down, but when the echo tech asked me about my baby I just lost it. I was crying softly during most of the procedure.

In the last month I've had moments where I've thought that I was maybe going to survive this horrible loss. Today was one of the days where the pain felt like more than I could or wanted to try and handle. It's just crushing sometimes isn't it?

Thanks for listening.
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Re : One month down

Postby frogibe » Wed Aug 04, 2010 02:10 am

by frogibe (327 Posts), Wed Aug 04, 2010 02:10 am

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's very normal to have moments that you feel strong and others where you never realized you were so weak. I still feel that way, just not as often. It has been almost 6 months since I lost my daughter Kelsie, who I know is playing with your little Millie. I have more good days than bad days, and I know you will too. There is no way to fully describe the pain you feel, but I would like to say that for me and hopefully for you the pain will fade into loving memories of your little one.

I also wanted to let you know it is very normal how you felt going into the hospital. I had a complete breakdown bringing a breast pump back...when the nurse asked me how Kelsie was..and I had to tell her the news. Be gentle with yourself and if you are uncomfortable with being somewhere do not hesitate not to go, people will understand. (HUGS)!

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Re : One month down

Postby riehlism » Wed Aug 04, 2010 03:03 pm

by riehlism (655 Posts), Wed Aug 04, 2010 03:03 pm

I'm pretty sure my baby blue is tugging on their diapers and playing dirty tricks. He was a feisty little guy in there. Yesterday was 2 months for me Kerisue. The month markers are difficult. And I am feeling anxious about the due date coming up (September 17th).

It's amazing that someone so little, and someone we knew so little about has such an amazing affect on all of us. Our babies are amazing people. They bring together a community of people like us. In some cases, they even help to save lives and help us to discover underlying problems. They challenge our strength and help to point out the family and friends who are there for us through the tough times.

It's not fair, and I don't believe it is something we will ever get over. Kerisue, after the tears, we just have to remind ourselves about all the things our little ones gave us and how truly amazing they are.

Also, I apologize if my son hits on your daughters in about 10 years. I always pictured him to be resourceful and unusually charismatic...kinda like Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell.
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