fearful...(long)

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fearful...(long)

Postby frogibe » Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:13 pm

I'm not sure what to feel right now. I lost my teaching position due to this economy this year a month after my daughter passed away. I was still on my maternity leave and knew that I wasn't ready to go back into a room full of children. I opted to wait until fall to go back. Well needless to say the district hasn't called me back and I have been on the job search.

Today I got great news about landing a job at a local daycare facility. I walked into the room with the infants and felt overwhelming panic. I came home and just bawled my eyes out. I feel excited to be teaching again, I truly miss my students and look forward to moving on with this part of my life, but I am soooooo scared I might have a melt down at some point.

I think the scariest thing to me is if my boss/co-workers find out that I lost my daughter. I just don't want pity from anyone. I want to try to live a normal (well as normal can be) life and try to move on in a healthy way. I'm just not sure how to feel right now. LUCKILY I will be working in the school aged room, which should help, but right down the hall there will be all of these babies.

I'm so sorry for the ranting! I just feel so confused. I feel like this is the right step towards healing but so scared that it will just be terribly difficult to keep my feelings at bay. I would hate to be known as the crazy teacher who lost her daughter and just "lost" it!
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Re : fearful...(long)

Postby kerisue » Fri Aug 06, 2010 01:14 am

My work is child related too. I will be going back to work at the beginning of September and I'm not looking forward to it at all. Having to return to work and deal with other people's children and issues related to that seems so cruel given our respective losses. In fact if I could afford it I would quit and start a new track in life (like research into pre-eclampsia, if only I didn't need a couple more/different degrees!)
I still have periods during my day of overwhelming sadness so I know what you mean about being scared you'll have a meltdown. My job is a high stress one, with lots of controversy over decision making and I'm afraid I might not be able to handle those tense situations. I haven't set up counseling yet, but I hope I have by the time I go back to work so I can process some of it with a professional.

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Re : fearful...(long)

Postby annes » Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:35 am

I don't work in the child care arena, and have worked at the same place forever, so most people here know about my situation. I do have some anxiety when I have to tell a new person/co-worker about Griffin, because, like you I do not want pity, but I have found over the years that it really isn't pity that people feel, it is sympathy. Take your time and do what you feel is comfortable. :) Hugs.
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Re : fearful...(long)

Postby riehlism » Fri Aug 06, 2010 03:58 pm

I'm sorry about all the added stress Jennifer. The anxiety of people finding out, or having it come out and then having to explain everything can be overwhelming. My husband Frank and I are currently working on making an appointment with a grief counselor. I've had similar advice from some of the other ladies here as well. One person (I can't remember who) said her counselor helped her prepare for certain events like friends' baby showers, new births, etc.

My husband and I are planning on burying our son on September 17th, which is his due date. And we're having some kind of anxiety about dealing with that. And I also have to return to work in a few weeks. I've had a lot of patients coming by and asking about me and how the baby is doing (per my co-workers).

I know that we are suppose to cry and let out our feelings when we can. But when we get back into the real world we have to be professionals at our job. Hard doesn't begin to explain the position we're in.

I don't know what your feelings are about getting counseling, but it's a route my husband and I opted to take, versus just dealing with it on our own. We are planning to TTC in a few months and we'd like to go into it knowing that we've mourned for Blue and "adjusted appropriately"...whatever that means. Hugs all around.
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Re : fearful...(long)

Postby frogibe » Fri Aug 06, 2010 05:18 pm

Thanks for the encouragement ladies.
My husband and I have done the therapy after Kelsie passed. We are both adjusting well to life at home, around friends and family, and between us. I think for me it is just difficult to move on to a new job and very difficult to be around babies. Which is silly because I have no issue with my families kids, there are a few little ones and I just feel that much closer to Kelsie while holding and loving them ;0)

I'm just scared I will have an unprofessional moment or slip up if you will...( I know we are all human). I just want to start on the right foot at a new job, since I truly am so excited and nervous to start teaching again.
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