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I'm still a mess

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

I'm still a mess

Postby jean » Fri Oct 01, 2010 01:28 pm

by jean (675 Posts), Fri Oct 01, 2010 01:28 pm

I'm still a mess from the whole HELLP/losing our child...even though I'm now about 8 mos pp. I looked at photos this morning of myself right after my c-section, and I look like absolute death. It scares me so much. My husband and my family all want me to try again, and I want to try in the hopes that we'd have more luck, but I'm so so so scared. I have this HUGE fear that I'm going to die or end up in horrible shape. I was in such bad shape after HELLP this last time. I'm just falling apart this morning.
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Re : I'm still a mess

Postby sam10 » Fri Oct 01, 2010 09:48 pm

by sam10 (1441 Posts), Fri Oct 01, 2010 09:48 pm

I am so sorry that you are feeling scared and sad. I think that 8 months isn't actually that long of a time span all things considered. Being afflicted with Hellp and/or PE, loosing a child is a lot to deal with and I personally don't think it goes away so quickly. It is traumatizing.
When I think of trying again it often puts me into a panic and just like you, I am mostly afraid of dying. Even though statistically it is unlikely, but statistics don't have a soothing effect on me anymore.

I think it is important to take the time to heal and grieve and allow feelings of fear. I hope that someday my wish for another baby will be stronger than my fear of dying. Take care and be gentle with yourself. I am trying the same for myself.
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Re : I'm still a mess

Postby kerisue » Sat Oct 02, 2010 12:08 am

by kerisue (623 Posts), Sat Oct 02, 2010 12:08 am

You are the one who is going to have to do the work of a future pregnancy so you need to go into it in the best possibly shape physically AND emotionally. 8 mos. pp really isn't that much time. I hope you find a way to get them to understand that you just arent ready yet. And also, have you consulted with a MFM specialist about your chances for hellp in a future pregnancy? That may reassure you a bit (though not in my case as he est. my chances at 60/40 to get pe again)
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Re : I'm still a mess

Postby jean » Sat Oct 02, 2010 06:05 pm

by jean (675 Posts), Sat Oct 02, 2010 06:05 pm

Yeah, I did talk to a Peri....he didn't give me statistics, but just said that since I got HELLP early on that I'm likely to get some form of pre-e/HELLP again but hopefully later or less severely. *sigh* He said "While there's danger, it's not THAT dangerous".....I do not feel reassured though :(
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Re : I'm still a mess

Postby wrennie » Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:38 pm

by wrennie (1019 Posts), Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:38 pm

so sorry for the loss of your baby. it is devastating and i am sorry that you have to go through this grief. The one thing that helped me was to listen to myself. If you do this you can not go wrong. If your not ready, thats fine take your time. Being pregnant after a loss takes patience, and a whole lot of courage. Seek guidance from doctors and possibly a therapist to help you along the way. The comfort from both of those sources really made the difference for me. Seek what feels right in your heart. sending you hugs..
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