i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby shonia » Thu Mar 11, 2004 11:25 am

Hi. i guess i logged hoping to find comfort in numbers. I lost my daughter Savana at 31 weeks due to complications of preeclampsia. It all happened so fast, i lost her in Oct of 2003. So, it hasn't been that long. She was stillborn and i delivered her vaginally. Is there someone out there that knows how i feel? To give birth to your sweet child and never hear her cry or see her move? Oh, sometimes the pain is just too much. I am now pregnant again and everyone around me thinks that I should be okay now!! What is that about? It still doesn't change the fact that my first child is dead. Sometimes i want to scream at people, "Do you not remember my child is dead?" It's like everyone has forgotten and that ticks me off. I thank God i am pregnant again and that i could have a healthy baby this time, but i am a total wreck! I am not allowing myself to get too excited which makes me feel bad because this new baby deserves for me to anxiously awaits it's arrival just like i did Savana. I guess i am reaching out to you guys for comfort, sometimes i feel like i am going to be okay and then the very next day i feel like i am losing my mind. i try not to allow myself to get bitter at other people and their children but i sometimes do. Help me someone. Thanks, Shonia
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby josiah1112 » Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:12 am

Hi Shonia,

First of all, I want to wish you all the best with your pregnancy.
I can only imagine the emotions that you are going through... I'm
so glad you found us. There are many of us here who have had our
precious babies snatched away from us so cruelly by this disease.
Shonia - you need to grieve. Keep doing what you find the most
helpful. It helps me to talk to people that are in my same situation.
I have also read some books to help me. I want to recommend -
Grieving the Child I Never Knew- my Kathe Wunnenberg. One of the things that has also helped me is to "educate" my friends. I e-mailed them a "bereaved parents wish list" (let me know if you need a copy). This was a list I got which I personalized on emotions that a bereaved parent feels. This helped them to have an idea of what I may be feeling. I have also told many people straight out (when they have hurt my feelings)that "I know you mean well, but that minimizes my pain." I also ask them, "How would you feel if this had happened to your child?" Please let us know how you are doing.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03 - 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby sam » Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:27 am

Dear Shonia
i am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter savana (what a beautiful name)my deepest condolences go out to you and your family.
As you will see from my signature beneath i have been through a very similar, tragic and horrendous experience with my darling, and much longed for son Jake, in oct 2003 too! (he was stillborn too! delivered vaginally aswell)
all our hopes and dreams shattered, and the pain is unbearable at times.
I hope you can find a small degree of comfort from everyone here, they are very supportive and understanding.
There are no words to describe the magnitude of feelings that we are all going through at this dark time in our lives.
I just wanted to say that i don't think you are losing your mind, (((HUGS))) you are grieving for your daughter and that stirs up a myriad of emotions that we sometimes have no control over.
I hope your health is holding up for this pregnancy i cant imagine what you are going through!! but i am sending you LOL



sam
London,UK
severe PE/class 1 HELLP @ 27wks
13th oct 2003
mummy to angel jake
http://www.shattered-dreams.uk.com/jakehayman.htm
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby lisac » Thu Mar 11, 2004 03:28 pm

Hi Shonia,

I'm sorry that you lost your baby girl, Savana. I know how incredibly difficult that is since my baby girl was also born still due to preeclampsia.
I've come to realize that others who haven't lost a baby simply do not understand how painful this is. Regardless, nobody is entitled to tell another when they should be ok or when they should be done with grieving. When people say that I know how infuriating and invalidating that can be; most likely, though, they mean well. Especially since you're pregnant again, they probably think that they're helping you by keeping you positive.
Everything you've described sounds normal---the anger, anxiety, sadness & guarded excitement. It will probably be an emotional roller coaster until you're holding your child. While there's no crystal ball to predict the future, there have been women on this forum who have lost a baby and gone on to have a child. There is definitly reason for hope. I guess the challenge is to figure out how to make the period of uncertainty more bearable. Some women have said that walking helped their anxiety or just keeping busy somehow.
We are here to support one another, so don't hesitate to post here if you're having a difficult day. I'll be thinking of you. Take care.
Lisa
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby annegarrett » Thu Mar 11, 2004 05:48 pm

Dear Shonia,

I am glad you found us but sorry that the reason you had to was such a great loss. As you have and will find--there are too many women here who know just what you are going through. Over a quarter of our members have lost a baby--most their first baby--so you will find a great deal of love and support here and even though it isn't enough--I hope it is something. Please feel free to write me anytime at my personal email anne@preeclampsia.org or call the toll free number at the office 1-800-665-9341. That goes for any of you. I would be happy to talk to you and offer support. I lost my mother (my best friend) last October and these past weeks have been terribly tough. You think it gets easier--but then it isn't. I wish there were words. My only consolation is none at all--which is that there are so many women here who understand my loss. I wish it weren't so--but it unfortunately is.

Please take care and let me know if I can do anything to help you through this tough time.



Anne Garrett
Executive Director
Preeclampsia Foundation
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby julie f » Thu Mar 11, 2004 11:04 pm

Shonia,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Unfortunately, you are not alone in your grief and I hope that we can be offer you some comfort at this time. I lost my first and only, Zach, last summer at 26 weeks.

People really just can't comprehend losing a child and in their efforts to understand, they often say the absolute worst things. I've also come to realize that people need to make themselves feel better about what happened and a lot of what they say does just that. They feel as though they are offering some words of wisdom or some insight that will help lift your spirits and that in turn makes them feel good.

Having recently lost your child and now, carrying another one, I can only imagine your anxiety. I would imagine that you will be on a roller coster of emotions until the day you hold this little one in your arms. I hope that we are able to help you through these next 6 months. You and your baby are in my prayers.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby for faith » Mon Mar 15, 2004 04:26 pm

Shonia - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Faith in January. She was born at 30 weeks due to my preeclampsia, she was hooked up to so many things for 25 hard days, watching her get sicker and sicker. No one understands the loss, but others who have been through it. Congratulations on your pregnancy, but of course it doesn't take the pain away, people just can't understand. I hope the you are able to get peace.





Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - almost 4
Angel baby - January 2003 (11 weeks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (born at 30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC (intestinal premie complication))
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby shonia » Tue Mar 16, 2004 12:05 am

Dear Jill,

Faith, what a beautiful name. Thank you for your reply to my post concerning the loss of my daughter, Savana, in Oct.of 2003. You're right, no one does understand unless they've been thru it. I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. Things like this I do not understand. I grew up a devote Christian and i still am but, everything i thought i knew about God, I am beginning to reconsider. I do not mean to bring a reproach upon the Lord whatsoever, it's just that i've had to rethink everything i've been taught. Like, you are supposed to have favor with God if you are His child.? There are many questions about that. I've tried talking to certain people about my feelings on this and they think i am blaspheming or something. I still love God, that will never change, I couldn't have made it thru this without Him. But, i do not understand why people who never have even considered God seem to have lots of children and a fulfilled life. Listen, at me, i'm rambling , Sorry! Do you have any thoughts to help me on this?
quote:
Originally posted by For Faith

Shonia - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Faith in January. She was born at 30 weeks due to my preeclampsia, she was hooked up to so many things for 25 hard days, watching her get sicker and sicker. No one understands the loss, but others who have been through it. Congratulations on your pregnancy, but of course it doesn't take the pain away, people just can't understand. I hope the you are able to get peace.





Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - almost 4
Angel baby - January 2003 (11 weeks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (born at 30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC (intestinal premie complication))



Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby tschnelle » Wed Mar 17, 2004 08:49 am

Well, you have now joined an elite club that no one ever desires to be a part of, and there are more of us here than you know.

I still struggle with my Gracie's death, and while I long to be pregnant, realize that when I am, I will grieve all over again, remembering my precious first born. Congratulations on this new life growing inside of you. Try not to let your fears overcome you. This is a new pregnancy and could be entirely different than the last, and have a blessed outcome.

This dear sweet child is not being replaced. You will still miss your little girl, no many how many babies you are blessed with.

Allow yourself the privilege to grieve, and ignore those around you who are far too free with their sage advice. You have earned the right to long for your firstborn, which is something that while it will get easier, will never go away.

I pray for a safe pregnancy. Keep us posted.


Tonja Schnelle
mommy to Grace Elizabeth,
born still 11-03-03 at 36wks and 5 days
due to PE & HELLP

Bel Air, MD
tschnelle@lccec.com
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Re : i lost my daughter due to preeclampsia

Postby tschnelle » Wed Mar 17, 2004 09:00 am

I am jumping into the conversation, but I, too have had this test my faith. I am a devoted Christian, a minister's wife, but not infallible. I wonder His plan, the purpose of having me carry Grace full term, only to come home with empty arms. I know that He can use Grace's death, I know He could have prevented it, I know that something good will come of this.

This whole situation has caused me to simmer in silent anger about all those who are not faithful, but seem to be blessed again and again with children, not anger directed at the person, but a green jealousy of their child-filled life. My baby's room is empty, shelves filled awaiting the homecoming of our little one, that did not come to fruition. I rage against my body for not being able to do what it should. I anxiously mark the rise and fall of my temperature, waiting for the moment I can be a mother again, but it doesn't happen. Who knows why this happened to us. But our God is a big God, one who can handle our questions, our silence, our rage, loving us all the while. I have tree vision, but God is a God of the Forest. Some day, we will know the "why". In the meantime, we hand over control to our Maker, and move over into the co-pilot's seat. God knows all things, has felt all things, and will make us new.



Tonja Schnelle
mommy to Grace Elizabeth,
born still 11-03-03 at 36wks and 5 days
due to PE & HELLP

Bel Air, MD
tschnelle@lccec.com
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