You wrote, "I was such a mess it took me ( and still) trying to come to terms to what happen with me(do to preeclampsia) and how he/we survived." I am also having a hard time thinking about everything. I wanted to share with you something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I'm guess you might have some of the same feelings and it has really helped me to hear from others. So... here it goes....
It has been 7 months since my 32 weeker was born and I still have times when I cry thinking about everything. I've never considered myself much of an emotional person and I don't think anybody who knows me would think I was. I think about the dissapointing ordeal of my pregnancy. Sometimes I look at my natural bradley method birth plan - ha what a joke. I think about the helpless, pathetic feeling of not being a "real" mother during my daughter's NICU stay where the nurses seemed more like the parents. I feel guilt for not having that warm, fuzzy, attached feeling after her birth that so many people describe. People often say the birth of their first child was the happiest day of their entire lives and honestly, I know this sounds awful, but it was probably the saddest day of my life. I have those attached feelings now, but I have never admitted to anyone that I didn't have them for at least the first day of my daughter's life - even though it might be a common occurance to feel this way considering the circumstances I still feel very guilty. My daughter is an only child and my husband and I want another one but I also cry about that because I fear all the bad things that could have happened. For example, last night when I was in bed I started imagining getting pregnant again and having my child die in the sterileness of the NICU. Another thing that makes it worse is that my birthday is 3 days after my daughter's and I was still in the hospital on my birthday and all I did was cry that day (I didn't tell anyone why - they kept saying it was hormones) because I felt guilty for having had a beautiful, nice, normal birth where my mom could hold me and cuddle me and my daughter didn't get any of that - I wasn't able to see her for 2 days after her birth. I think of how lonely she might have been for 2 days. I have a hard time imagining myself ever being guilt free on my birthday ever again. I got the best while I feel like I gave her the worst. I also feel bad for feeling bad - after all why should I have the right to feel sorry for myself when so many others have been through even harder ordeals. Don't get me wrong I don't cry all the time, just every couple of weeks and it always catches me by surprise. I thought by now - 7 months later- I would feel much better.
Well, I'm glad that your little one is doing well. We just finished the Synagis shots also. I'm glad to have those over with and I'm also very glad to not have to worry so much about getting RSV. I'm surprised that you guys got to have them for 2 seasons - from what I hear from others that's kind of unusual. You said that people make fun of you because they don't understand why you won't take your kid out more and I totally hear you there!! People think my dh and I are obsessive compulsive from all the hand washing LOL!! But... my ds has NEVER had a cold (knock on wood) so it has paid off!! Now, I'm a lot more relaxed cause RSV season is almost over.
Have you ever had an early intervention screen on your little one?? Do you have any concerns?? I'm a little worried 'cause my ds isn't babbling yet... she coos but doesn't babble - everyone tells me not to worry, but I can't help it.
Caroline - 26
dh - 24
dd Sylvia 8/21/02- 32weeks- 3lbs,5oz- pre-e