Temper Tantrums and Walking away

[caitlynsmama]

I know I may not get an answer for this but I am going to throw it out anyway, what do you do? Caitlyn had a major "meltdown" this morning as I call it and I just end up almost crying myself as she screams and sounds like her heart is breaking. Any suggestions. I try and walk away and I see her wanting to know why Mommy does not want to pick her up and comfort her. I can succeed for a little while but I just cannot take it......

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[meg]

This is SO hard for any parent! If I read your siggy right she is not even a year old and with her adjusted age she is more like 8 months old, is that right? This is really too young for a true manipulative temper tantrum. What was she upset about? I wouldnt use the "walk away" at that age. I would comfort her. SHe cant really be trying to manipulate you with her crying at this age like when she is 18 months+. Now say you tool something away that she wanted like the remote control. Stick to your guns and dont give in becuse of the crying but you dont have to walk away either. She will cry and still will get over it. You dont want to give the impression that crying is going to ger her what she wants but I dont see the need to walk away and not comfort at this age. Once they are over 18 months aproximately, they CAN truely conciously try to manipulate and that is around the age I would use the walk away and ignore a tantrum technique. Even then it is very hard, its one of the hardest lessons I had to learn as a parent but you have to be strong. Its in your and thier best interest to be strong about it. But for now I would just go with not giving in to what they want but not neccessarily ignoring or walking away either.
Hope that helped.
I am speaking as a Mom of a 4 year old, almost 3 year old and as a child psychologist, by the way.

Will 2-6-00 ( PE at 35 weeks)
Elizabeth 7-3-01 ( NO PE)
#3 EDD 10-25-04 Its a girl! So far so good!
Proud Aunt to Ethan born 27 weeks (March 8th) weighing 1lb 8 ounces! Our little fighter!
Now 4 pounds 9 ounces and home!!

[caitlynsmama]

Thank you for your response. It just seems even at this age that she stops once she is picked up unless she is in full tantrum mode. She was not hungry this morning, wet, etc. She woke up for her first bottle at 5:00 this morning, slept until 7:00 so she should not have been tired. She is teething currently but I don't believe she was in pain. I do sometimes say it is just the Irish temper she inherited from her father. She is an adjusted age of about 8 months so I know she will get through this but I have so many people telling me not to give in and comfort her. I guess being a new parent, this has been one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn.

Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[catherine]

Shannon, don't believe any of that garbage, you know your baby best. Trust me, mother of a major Diva, at this age.... something is bothering her and she needs a cuddle! Especially when they're teething they can be uncomfortable long before the tooth pops through, that is the end of the agony not the beginning.

In my experience kids don't start trying to manipulate you until they are much older.... say 2-3. Even then, temper tantrums can be easily nipped in the bud. However, it's waaaay too soon to be anticipating that.

One thing to maybe consider, Chloe had a couple of major screaming fits the weekend before last, very unlike her and it turned out to be her very first ear infection. If you think that Caitlyn is behaving very uncharacteristically, maybe a quick phonecall to your peds office might be helpful.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[meg]

Its really hard to know what to do, I know that. I have questioned myself to death SO many times. While its true you dont want her to start to learn to manipulate people with her cries she is still quite young and you dont always know whats causing it at this age. If you know exactly what had upset her, like say you took something away from her or you put her in the playpen and she didnt want to be, then at least you know what she is upset about.
I kind of take the approach of "if is not an inconvenience to you or your family" then go ahead. What they need to learn is that you will love them and will be there to comfort them, etc but also that the whole world and family do not revolve around them. If you have the time to hold her, then hold her. But she also has to learn that if you are right in the middle of say loading the dishwasher, you wont drop everything just to hold her ( unless of course she is hurt or something). Know what I mean. And always talk to her and tell her what you are doing and why. They understand so much more so much earlier than you think! Just tell her, Mommy is busy right now, Mommy can hold you in a few minutes,etc.
At 8 months though when in doubt I would err on the side of comforting. They cant talk and you dont know forsure what it upsetting her. SHe is still in the age of needing to learn that the world and her family are a place where she can trust and get love and support and she is not yet cognitively at a point of being able to think through and manipulte with crying. Now after about 18 months, its another story. That is around the time when they try full force to see just how much then can minipulate you and just how much it takes to get you to give in and do what they want. Thats the point at which you have to be really carefuly not to give in and not to ever let them think crying and tantruming is going to work in getting them their way.
Good luck. I am sure you are a great Mommy and doing a great job!

Will 2-6-00 ( PE at 35 weeks)
Elizabeth 7-3-01 ( NO PE)
#3 EDD 10-25-04 Its a girl! So far so good!
Proud Aunt to Ethan born 27 weeks (March 8th) weighing 1lb 8 ounces! Our little fighter!
Now 4 pounds 9 ounces and home!!

[caitlynsmama]

Thank you again! I usually go through the gambit, of is she tired, hungry or wet and kind of decide from there. But this morning all I can figure is that it is the way she has been acting this week with not wanting me to leave her. She has just started this week with not wanting to even go to her grandmas who babysit for her while I have to work. It has been one of the hardest weeks for me being a working mom. I would do anything in this world to stay home with her but we cannot manage it financially so the decision for me was made after she was born and we got her out of the hospital.
Hope all is well with you.

Shannon


Shannon Mommy to Caitlyn Elizabeth 30 weeks, 3 days born (8/26/2003) early due to PE, IUGR, HELLP syndrome, premature rupture of membranes

[meg]

Two things just to mind. First, this is the prime age with seperation anxiety sets in. Between 7-9 months is usualy when it rears its ugly head. You want to reassure her that you will always be back. Its a great time for her to learn that yes, Mommy has to leave some times but Mommy comes back! The 2nd thing is illness. I sudden change in beahvior and clingyness could be a sign of a sickness.
DOnt feel guilty about working. You are doing whats best for her and your family. I know its hard but you have no reason to feel guilty!! I have had to work with all of mine and I know that they are well cared for, happy, and thriving. They are both so smart, so happy, so well adjusted. They love going to "school". My 4 year old boy gets so bored on holidays (I work as a psychologist in the schools so I am off 3 months a year like teachers) b/c he loves having other kids to play with! And becuse of my working they are able to live in a house with a nice big yard, ride around in reliable cars, visit zoos, museums and cultural things,etc. None of which would be possible if I didnt. {HUGS} Being a Mommy is hard and being a working Mommy can be really hard. But I think you are doing great!

Will 2-6-00 ( PE at 35 weeks)
Elizabeth 7-3-01 ( NO PE)
#3 EDD 10-25-04 Its a girl! So far so good!
Proud Aunt to Ethan born 27 weeks (March 8th) weighing 1lb 8 ounces! Our little fighter!
Now 4 pounds 9 ounces and home!!

[catherine]

Oh Shannon, I'm just now realizing what you may be dealing with... stranger anxiety!!! Not that her Grandma is a stranger, but Caitlyn is just now realising how central to her existance, you are. I work full time out of the home and all my kids have been full time daycare babies from about 14 weeks onwards. In fact Chloe has been at daycare full time since she was 8 weeks old!! I find that in the first year or so they may go through several cycles of suddenly not wanting mommy to leave. It is very hard to take and in fact my husband won't drop the baby because he can't bear to hear her cry as he leaves (no spine [;)][:o)]). This will pass very soon, but maybe come back again around the time she begins to walk or talk. It seems to accompany each big developmental step in their lives, I guess they need some extra reassurance about how much you care about them as they become more independent and separate from you.

So, it hurts to go but I'm pretty sure that she's happy again as soon as you are gone and you are not scarring her for life by going. As she gets older you might want to start the classic line "mommie and daddy always come back", a promise I've made and make to my babies anytime I leave them.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[catherine]

Eek Meg[:0], are we on the same page or what!!! I hope you don't feel too sandbagged by our opinions Shannon [:)].

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[arj]

Shannon,
Sounds like you have gotten some great advice. I've also found that distraction works great with my little guy when he starts in with those tantrums. I give him something "cool" (to him at least) to occupy his attention-like a wooden spoon with a pot to bang on. Or I draw his attention towards our dog. She always cheers him up!! Anything that can help him "forget" why he is throwing a fit.
I think that it's normal what she is experiencing, and also healthy, though it doesn't feel like it. She is showing that she's attached to you by protesting that you are leaving. Hang in there-I am sure that it is just a phase.
And don't beat yourself up about being a working mom. I'm a full-time working mom as well, and I don't feel like Evan is emotionally stunted because of it. I believe that it's good for him to be around our nanny and other children. My mom worked too and my sister and I were daycare kids. We have both grown up to be fully-functioning emotionally intelligent, healthy adults.

Allison (28)
DS-Evan, 7/19/2003. PE at 40 weeks