by lisac (247 Posts), Sun Feb 22, 2004 01:55 pm
I found that initially the loss brought my husband and I very close together, but as the months passed my grief was tough for him to handle. Sometimes men like to think they can fix things, and it was scary for my husband when he saw that he still didn't have the old me back, and there was nothing he could do about it. I became resentful that he didn't express his feelings more. He was offended that I seemed to suggest that he wasn't affected by the loss. He got tired of constantly hearing about preeclampsia. So there have definitly been some challenging times. Most recently, he's told me that he thinks he still hasn't processed it fully because he was so focused on my feelings. (It's been over a year). When it comes to men and how they handle their emotions, it's completely uncharted territory. I suspect there may be many private moments of grief that he doesn't share with me. Since women are more comfortable expressing their emotions, grief may be extremely terrifying for men. The only way I can cope is to allow him to grieve in his own way on his own timeline. Couples therapy did help for a while too.
Susie-I'm glad to hear that you're in a much happier place now. I suppose it's good that your husband allows himself to cry. At least he's not suppressing his emotions. I hate to reference the "Men are from Mars Book...," but I think it says that men retreat when they have emotions to deal with; women reach out. I'm sorry for the loss of your darling, Benjamin. You spent a few precious weeks with him. It's amazing how quicky two years can fly by.