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Anxiety at First Anniversary

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Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby kim » Wed Nov 19, 2003 09:22 pm

by kim (555 Posts), Wed Nov 19, 2003 09:22 pm

Hey all,

I've been MIA for a while.. Moving, settling in, etc..

This time last year is when my pre-e blasted into my life. Everyday this week has been filled with anxiety and flashbacks. I know that next week will be even worse (I delivered on Nov 26 of last year)...

I feel like I should be overjoyed at my daughter's first birthday, and I am, but I just have all of these horrible memories that are just now resurfacing. I've been so weepy and so anxious, I went to the doc today and got a script for Celexa.

Also, tomorrow is Ainsley's 2nd heart evaluation and we find out about her heart surgery. It seems so unbelievable that she has three heart defects and will need surgery.

I just keep hoping after next week, I will mentally feel better. The hardest days will be next Tuesday, the day my bp spiked and I blacked out twice, when I was admitted to the hospital... And Wednesday, Ainsley's birthday, when all * broke loose and we both nearly died.

I know I should feel grateful that both of us are here, and I do, but I just feel so overwhelmed with the memories....

Oh, and we tried to go off my bp meds again, and three days later, my bp soared. It's just so frustrating that pre-e is still "around."



Kim
Ainsley Kathryn 11/26/02-36 Weeks Preeclampsia
http://home.austin.rr.com/schwintz
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby kimb » Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:25 pm

by kimb (140 Posts), Wed Nov 19, 2003 10:25 pm

It is hard to not re-live all of those moments isn't it?!?!?! I still watch the clock on Sat nights (when I went to the hospital) and Monday mornings (when I lost William)and go through what was happening.

Sounds like you still have quite road ahead of you with Ainsley's heart condition - but I know you are strong and will get through. I have appreceiated your support and am here if you need to talk.

I also understand the frustration of the meds - I am still on masive doses of atenalol and lasix.

I will be thinking of you and Ainsley - happy birthday little one!!!
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby angelical » Thu Nov 20, 2003 05:17 am

by angelical (330 Posts), Thu Nov 20, 2003 05:17 am

I know what you mean! In fact, I realized, at Aaron's 1st birthday, that I was really trying to cope in a bit of an odd way....

I used the Thursday - - 52 weeks after his birth - - as the "one year anniversary" of all of what happened. Then, the next day, Friday, May 2, was his "real" birthday- -which I was able to enjoy.

I finally realized that I was trying very hard to separate the two events.

Sharel

------------------------
Sharel & Kevin
Aaron - 28 weeker
Born 5/2/02 due to preeclampsia & HELLP

Our miracle boy is doing great!!
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby kim » Sun Nov 23, 2003 06:52 pm

by kim (555 Posts), Sun Nov 23, 2003 06:52 pm

Thanks everyone,
Sharel, it's so funny you say that about 52 weeks. I totally associate "*" with Monday and Tuesday... THE worst 2 days.. I felt so bad because I didn't even know the date I delivered on for a while... All of that brain swelling made me out of it...

First off, I just want to say that nothing short of a miracle has occurred with Ainsley's heart. Here is the email I wrote to my family:

"Hey everyone... I can't believe Ainsley will be a year old in a few days.... It goes soooo fast. She is pulling up, crawling and talking CONSTANTLY!!

We had her heart checkup and I wanted to let you know that a miracle has happened. Eight months ago, she had three separate heart defects (PDA, Pulmonary Stenosis, and Atrial Septal Defect). The ASD was so large, you could hardly tell there were two separate chambers in the top of her heart. The pulmonary stenosis would make her turn blue, since the valve from her heart to her lungs was thick and sluggish. All babies are born with PDA's, but the hole usually closes within a few hours of birth....

Well, her PDA has closed. The ASD (large hole in her heart) went from a huge gaping hole to only 0.285 cm, which in turn, corrected the pulmonary stenosis. So, now she just has a tiny hole in her heart. The cardiologist here expects it to completely close by the time she is three years old and is amazed that such a large hole closed so much so quickly. Eight months ago, we were told she would definitely have open heart surgery, and now, there is only a small chance of any surgery at all.

We, of course, are thrilled, as it has been a trying couple of years for Jess and I."

I have to say that I will be in church every Sunday for the rest of my life. I think that this one event has saved me from losing it.
Take care,


Kim
Ainsley Kathryn 11/26/02-36 Weeks Preeclampsia
http://home.austin.rr.com/schwintz
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby catherine » Sun Nov 23, 2003 07:03 pm

by catherine (2832 Posts), Sun Nov 23, 2003 07:03 pm

That is just the happiest news Kim, I'm so excited for your family. Such an excellent birthday present for Ainsley!! Time for cake and balloons...[8D][:D][:)][8D][:D][:)].

Hugs

Catherine (37)
DH, Dave (40)
Finn (6)
Lucy (2)
Chloe (7/2/03)
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby taras mom » Sun Nov 23, 2003 10:09 pm

by taras mom (841 Posts), Sun Nov 23, 2003 10:09 pm

That's fantastic, Kim! Just in time for Thanksgiving![:D]

Carol (38)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby angelical » Mon Nov 24, 2003 05:48 am

by angelical (330 Posts), Mon Nov 24, 2003 05:48 am

That is so wonderful!

I remember how thrilled I was to hear that Aaron's PDA had finally closed. Now he just has a slightly enlarged artery in his heart... the doc said as long as he doesn't smoke or live on cholesterol, it will never give him a problem.

Our babies are such miracles!

Sharel

------------------------
Sharel & Kevin
Aaron - 28 weeker
Born 5/2/02 due to preeclampsia & HELLP

Our miracle boy is doing great!!
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby paljane8 » Mon Nov 24, 2003 07:46 pm

by paljane8 (1416 Posts), Mon Nov 24, 2003 07:46 pm

Kim,

That is such great news! I know how elated you must feel! Hope you are getting settled in your new place and I hope Ainsley's birthday is wonderful. What are you doing to celebrate?

I also know that it must be a hard day for you too. My advise is to let your self feel both sets of feelings. It is ok to feel happy and grateful for a healthy child and feel angry and greive over your horrible experience. We are such complex beings as humans and rarely do we experience 1 feeling at a time. It is ok to feel both because you experienced both.

You are an amazing person, Kim! I am so happy for you guys.

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby kim » Mon Nov 24, 2003 08:31 pm

by kim (555 Posts), Mon Nov 24, 2003 08:31 pm

Thank you all so much. Every emotion hit me about an hour ago and I've been crying, shaking, scared... My brain is associating everything with the Monday and Tuesday, instead of her actual birthday. It's just all these things that I didn't remember have flooded back to me. I remember how scared I was and thinking that if I close my eyes, I'll never open them again. I also remember looking at Jess and thinking that he would be able to raise Ainsley by himself, and that I hoped he would stay in contact with my family. (My doc thinks I've got PTSD and put me on Celexa last week). I hate this disease, yet I thank God for letting me stay to see Ainsley.

Take care everyone and thanks for everything.


Kim
Ainsley Kathryn 11/26/02-36 Weeks Preeclampsia
http://home.austin.rr.com/schwintz
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Re : Anxiety at First Anniversary

Postby paljane8 » Tue Nov 25, 2003 09:39 am

by paljane8 (1416 Posts), Tue Nov 25, 2003 09:39 am

Hang in there, Kim. You have a right to feel the way you do. But, I am sorry it is so hard! I am glad you are being treated-it will get better and you will get through this.

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/
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