by timelessbeauty (1712 Posts), Thu Dec 09, 2004 09:17 am
Hi, just felt like sharing some more if you don't mind.
Felt the baby roll over this morning. It was a slight feeling but I knew what "HE" was doing. For anyone that has had to do fetal kick counts in the past and knows the anxiety of waiting for the next movement, it's the feeling I have right now even though I know I am just beginning to feel him get active. I'm sure he's been active before now but it's the feeling that is believing.
I was hit with a mix of feelings yesterday. Overjoyed for my husband to get a "son". Extremely happy to have a "Boy" this time around so that I may have the joyous experience of raising both genders. Thinking this is great for my oldest daughter who is 10. She has bonded with her 1 yr old sister so well, I would hate to see that upset but a pairing of two young sisters leaving the "odd man out" or oldest sibbling out. I know that would hinge a lot on how I deal with the family dynamics, also. But I figure, the two younger ones will have their own bond but the oldest will not lose the bond with her sister because the bond with a brother is a bit different for both of them. It's a reverse of my family where there are two boys and then me. My husband will have to help as his family is 4 girls and then him.
I felt a tinge of guilt again even though I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent my first son's death in utero from severe Pre-e at 6 months gestation. I guess that is why I am so excited to have a boy, not to erase guilt that is not mine to feel anyway or to "replace" what we have lost, but to add the "boy" gender to our family which makes it seem well rounded.
But there in lies more guilt because I cherish my daughters and would do fine if that is all I were to ever have in my life. If this were a girl, I would be more than happy to go shopping for cute frilly pink outfits again and feel comfortable with my experience of already having two girls that I know what to do. It's just a selfish want for a boy as well as my girls. I love children so much. This is my 7th pregnancy and my 4th child/3rd living. I've had the severe pre-e twice and twice it tried to take my life. I know my family thinks I could be selfish in my quest for children but I know my odds and I know my health. I've worked hard to try and try again for a healthy baby. I've paid my dues is kind of how I feel. I'm not trying to leave my girls without a mother, and I am being very careful about my health. I take my blood pressure, watch what I eat, walk to keep my circulation going but rest when I need it. I watch for swelling, get paranoid at anything irregular and call my doctor when I need to. :-)
With all that I have gone through, I still consider myself so lucky to be a mom. And when I am done with having my own, my husband and I have talked about adopting. We have so much love to share and I have two adopted nephews who are just precious as well as precocious.
My daughter, who lost her father due to a heart attack when she was just about to turn 2 yrs old, has had a brother and sister on her wish list for years. She took it the hardest when we lost our little boy two years ago. She's even more excited now because she "gets one of each" now. She loves her "new daddy" as she calls him and life is great. Financially we will make the money up in the end. You cannot put a price on love.