Why I HATE coming to this site

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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annegarrett
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby annegarrett » Fri Jan 12, 2007 03:55 pm

I looked up your Latin expression because I was curious as to what it meant and this is what I found (for everyone else's benefit as well). I think it is so lovely.

sit tibi terra levis: May the earth lie light upon thee. (An inscription often found on Roman tombstones; frequently abbreviated to S.T.T.L.)

Take good care of yourself.

daltonsmommy
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby daltonsmommy » Wed Jan 03, 2007 04:58 pm

Your jealousy is just another unfortuante sign of greiving. Jealousy rears its ugly head for me once in a while. My Dalton was born at 29 weeks so statistically he should be here. The reality is he was basically a 24 weeker. I thought for sure he was going to be our miracle baby. I thought there is no way he won't make it because that just won't happen to me. Reality is just a little different. I don't know if this will help but here is the way I look at it. When I see a mother with a baby and I start to get jealous then I think maybe she has lost a baby. Maybe that is her miracle baby. I don't know whether that mother has had a misscariage or lost a baby later on. Or maybe even lost an older child and that baby is her savior. I'm wishing you a little peace.
Hugs

Charity

mrs.magdaleno
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby mrs.magdaleno » Wed Jan 03, 2007 04:03 pm

Jealousy is such an ugly thing. I know because I have lived with it since I lost Jake. Accepting the fact that others were blessed with their child here on earth and I wasn't, is something that I continue to fight with and understand. It is just not fair. I know it is hard to come on these boards for various reasons but I think ultimately, we are very fortunate to have each other to lean on. I am so happy that I have found this board because I haven't been in contact with people in my everyday surroundings who know exactly what I am going through. I wish you peace!

timelessbeauty
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby timelessbeauty » Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:19 am

Some of the mothers struggle with the fact that people pass their children by as if they never existed. Their friends and family avoid talking about it, don't acknowledge the baby by calling it by name, referring to it as a fetus/miscarriage or other which has made some mothers question if they are even a mother at all because they feel they have nothing else to show for their experience but a name and what precious few tidbits of information they have to share of their baby's short existence.

But as all have shared, not everyone grieves the same and sometimes cultures/personalities conflict when others try to help the bereaved. I am sure you feel the grief of your child way more than I ever could because this was a very personal event for you and for that I can only say how much I wish you didn't have to endure this pain. I have lost a husband and a son and though I am familiar with grief, my personal style of dealing with it may be very different than what anyone else does for comfort. And you should not feel bad in anyway for how you wish to deal with your grief. I offer up that I am part of that 20% and wish you to know you are not alone if there are things you do wish to share or talk about.

I can understand being upset about family trying to hide the truth of other events from you as my own family did something similar when my brother ended up in the hospital when I had just dealt with 1-2 major events at the time.

Being jealous of strangers, I believe that to be natural and question how someone else gets to be so lucky and why others like us were chosen to shoulder a loss. And I have to site what Misup said in that there never seems to be a reason great enough to explain 'why'.

I can only hope that you feel some support and validation for how you feel and know how sincere many of us are in our offers of comfort. And for those on here that say they are so sorry, it is truly meant as they have been through the horros of PE and understanding to the best of their ability your loss via their own experiences that may mirror what you have gone through. For a great many women here on these forums, the reason we are here is to help prevent this type of pain and tragedy from happening to another mother by whatever means we can, but the reality of us being here is also to help comfort those for whom the circumstances were not preventable.

If there is anything we can do, such as answering questions, listening to a vent, offering a virtual shoulder/kleenex, please don't hesitate to call upon us.


melissam
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby melissam » Tue Jan 02, 2007 11:41 pm

I think you can see by the many wonderful responses that there are many here who know exactly how you feel. It is so hard to see others having what you want so badly. My heart just aches for you, as it does for the women here on this particular forum.

When Kelsi was born at 24 weeks and weighing only 13 oz, I told myself that I would have that miracle 24 weeker. She would turn out to be the one that surprised everyone. She would be healthy and have absolutely no problems. I was certain of it. I actually allowed myself to believe it...for a while.

So as I watched my best friends have their babies that were due within weeks of my sweet angel, I died. Sometimes I hated them and their babies. I had a hard time hearing about the other little premies that made it and wondered why mine didn't. It just wasn't fair.

My heart goes out to you as you deal with the crushing blows that seem to continually come. Big kudo's to you for buying that outfit. It took me months and months before I could even go into the baby section or look at something for babies on purpose.

Many hugs and much love to you.

froggie89
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby froggie89 » Tue Jan 02, 2007 08:01 pm

My sil just had a baby right before Thanksgiving. She was due about 4-6 weeks after my little girl was supposed to have been born. The baby was here for Christmas. I was a little bit jealous that they had their little girl and I didn't. I think it's only normal. I stayed away from her because I couldn't handle it. It really made me sad when dh held her and just gushed about how cute she was. I did manage to get her some things for Christmas, although it broke my heart doing so. My point is that what you're feeling is normal.

I hope that in time you will find more peace and comfort. Just know that we're here for you and we've probably felt the same way you do/have at some point. Take care and please email me if you need to talk, vent or whatever. Lots of hugs to you...

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annegarrett
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby annegarrett » Tue Jan 02, 2007 06:15 pm

I know you hate coming here--but I want to offer you some hope--a lot of the women who lost their babies and found us--have also found (through this site) the support, information and courage to try again when the time was right. I know it seems like "only" 20% but the truth is that that number is very high. The loss rate from preeclampsia is actually about half that--so that means that more people find us that have had a tragic outcome than don't. It just means, sadly, you are not alone, especially here. This is a good link for some information about pregnancy loss. I am sending my hugs and support this holiday season. I am sure this is tough and please know we are all here for you.

http://www.ivf-et.com/tlc/fact_pregnancy.html

misup
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby misup » Tue Jan 02, 2007 04:04 pm

I hope that my words will come as some kind of comfort for you....
After I had a miscarriage in '96, I experienced a great deal of envy/jealousy each and every time I went to the store, etc. I remember walking into a K-mart store and seeing a mother with her children. They were dressed in dirty clothing and had very dirty faces/hands, etc. one of them did not even have on any shoes (thank goodness it was summer). I remember one of the children crying for an unknown reason. I almost fell to the floor and wept. I just kept thinking, why did God allow her to have children when I am not able to have any? It took a long time for me to process the answer to this question. I finally came to realize that there was NOT a reason and that only God knows the answer. I think that all the different things that have happened to all of us has allowed for sorrow, jealousy, and many other emotions, however, it has left a bond with each and everyone of us on this site. We cry together when reading posts, we laugh at times, and we can share emotions together. The thoughts of your child (knowing that he/she would have been your niece's age) will never go away nor will it get easier, the emotions will be mixed because of your love for you niece this is completely normal. Perhaps writing a letter to your sil or even to your new baby niece (even if you never give to them) explaining your feelings and how much you really do want to be a part of her life. Please drop me an email if you ever want to chat! I hope my words have been of some kind of comfort...

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julie f
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby julie f » Tue Jan 02, 2007 03:29 pm

Oh I wish there was something I could say... I don't think it's horrible that you're jealous, like Fiona said, it's heartbreakingly normal...

Right after the loss of my son I saw someone post here that after losing a baby, you saw the world with hungry eyes and empty arms. Truer words I hadn't heard. I desperately wanted what I couldn't have, what had been taken - to watch others with their children was often unbearable.

What a compassionate thing you did for your SIL and new niece, I am sure that it will mean so much to your SIL.

I am so sorry.

belle8600
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby belle8600 » Tue Jan 02, 2007 01:38 pm

i felt and still feel the same way. i remember my mother in law telling me how sad she was when i was in the hospital losing isabella because she would see women leaving with their newborns and sometimes more than one. i coldnt even have my one. i still get upset about seeing other women with their babies and especially since my due date just passed. i am propud of you for buying the outfiut. that takes alot of courage and strength. it took me a while to see my nephew and buy him things again.

many hugs to you.


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