A sad day that will live in my heart forever

[jenn]

We have never met face to face, but all of you are best friends!! I felt like I needed some reminders that I will be ok so I came to read the posts again. If you all only knew how good they make me feel knowing I'm not alone and that someone cares and understands.

I've been feeling numb the past few says and incrediably lost. Having to tell people you've lost what you thought you had is really hard. You see the shock in the their eyes that you feel in your heart. It hurts to have to tell them because I know I'm hurting them. If that makes cents?

My mom is amazing, she couldn't be there when I unexpectedly found out. But she came home imediatly and hasn't left me since. It's helping me to keep positive and busy so I don't get down on myself. I have to keep reminding myself I have a beautiful little girl who needs me at my best at all times. It's the best reason to get out of bed every morning.

Tomorrow will be a hard day. Im going to a hospital about 60 miles away to see the high rick doctor that delivered Jaidyn. The doctor I was seeing here was and is the biggest disapointment of a lifetime ( I said that the first time too) But you must hear this....

I called friday and asked to have what was thought confirmed by my doc. But, they left for the weekend at noon. Nice huh? So I called the on call and she was soooo good to me. She went and got the report at the hospital and told me what it had to say and confirm the worst. She let me know what to expect and call if I needed anything. I thought Id wait till mon and hear from my doc, Mistake! I gotta call from her assistant saying "What did the other one tell ya'?" The conversation kinda ended after I told her what was said and that was that. No how am I doing. Let's make a time to see you. Nothing. I did get a call telling me to stay on my meds and get pregnant again. WHAT? This one is still physically here... is there no compassion? So Im going to specialist tomorrow and get some answers. I should be 12 wks and thet baby past at 6. I think something naturally should have happened by know. So we'll see. I'll let you guys know tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it! Love you all!
Jennie

Jennie
Jaidyn 30 wk
2lb. 12oz. 14 3/4 in.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jrk/

[paljane8]

Oh Jennie, all I can say is I am sorry. Yeah, please let us know how it goes tomorrow. Hang in there.

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[jenn]

Well if it's possable I think things are getting back to "normal" or as normal as can be. Today was the first day I was left alone with Jaidyn with no help. I thought I'd breakdown since it's the first time I didn't have anyone breathing down my neck. But it went surprizingly well. The sadness will never go away, and I will always see it as I had 2 kiddo's at one time.

Nothing has physically happened yet and I think that will be a point of accepting and healing emotionally. A very kind funeral home has contacted us and let us know they will cremate at no charge. Part of me wants to be sick and another is happy to know my little angel will not be disposed of as if it were trash. I also know people deal with this differently. This is just my way right or wrong. It's not one of those things you ponder and know what is best for you in advance.

Medically Im still waiting on some tests that will let me know about predisposed/ underlying factors that could have played a role with both pregnancies. I hate to think I blanked but they have to do with clotting factors and tessts for lupius ( not that I have it, but the test is looking for those clotting problems ) so we'll see what comes up. For the most part the tests are for if I chose in the furture to become pregnant again. That is still an unknown. It came up with us in converstation but I don't think my husband and I were ready to think that hard yet. We both got sad and quiet quickly. Personally the passion side has to be there. And it's just not. For now.

Have any of you had some of the same thoughts and things happen after a loss?
There's no right or wrong answers I know.

Well again thanks for hearing out my thoughts and emotions. This has really helped me deal with this crisis.
Much love to all of you and your families.
take care. Jennie

Jennie
Jaidyn 30 wk
2lb. 12oz. 14 3/4 in.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jrk/

[paljane8]

Jennie,

This has been such a traumatic experience for you and again I am so sorry you lost this pregnancy. I wanted to give you some info but, I don't want you to think that I am diminishing or not acknowledging the pain you are feeling. I just didn't know if the dr. explained what happens when you misscarry. When it happens you body will expel the sac. Most of the time (and probably at 6 wks gestation) everything comes out unrecognizable-it is looks like tissue (some is pink and some is sometimes greyish). It is very bloody and it gets worse before it gets better. There is kind of a main part that comes out that drs ask you to put in a plastic bag along with any tissue looking matter and bring to office so that they can test it. Most of the time they can find no reason for the misscarriage-they say most are nature's way of eliminating chromosomal abnormalities in a fetus that would not survive anyway. There is nothing the mother did to cause it. That is important to know because it is natural to feel like it is your fault for something you did or ate or drank etc. It is not.

Has your dr talked to you about a D&C? Sometimes they have to do one to avoid infection. You can also ask to have one if you want. I know that it seems so sad and final. The benefit is that you recover quicker...at least physically. Just to let you know, I had all of the misscarriages naturally even though I was given the option. Somehow I just wanted to let it happen. It gave me more time to process it I guess. But, I had to go back in for a D&C after the first because some tissue remained. After it happens, did they tell you what to watch for? If you start to feel flu-like and run a fever you need to call imediately. The D&C really wasn't so bad. And I started to feel better almost imediately; bleeding is less and stops sooner.

Anyway, please know how much I know this hurts. I feel so sad for you. You have been through so much! You are truly a survivor-you and Jaidyn both!

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[jenn]

Thanks for the information. I don't know that much about what's to come, but what I was told is that they didn't want any tissue with the reason of the baby past nearly six weeks ago and there's not much there for them to do any tests with. Which makes me feel better knowing nobody will mess with it.
I was told it will be like a heavy period like no other. And yes to expect tissue and clots ( gross, but it's process ) I was told when this happens I'm free to do what I please with the remains. If I'm bleeding uncontrolably I need to seek attention. But nothing yet. Not even a hint of anything. If no ultra sound was done to determine things, I'd still suspect all was well.
I hope I don't get an infection , I did vomit this morning out of the blue so I'm going to watch that nothing else happens. A D&C scares me, but if need be....
But thanks again sooo much for the info. Knowing someone else has been there and what to expect really helps! Thanks for being there when I need someone the most [:)]

Jennie
Jaidyn 30 wk
2lb. 12oz. 14 3/4 in.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jrk/

[mada]

Hi Jennie,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I hope you are feeling a bit better. Are you going to go see the doc soon? I hope all is going well and you are hanging in there. I know how hard this is. You are in my thoughts[:)]Remeber, I am not far from Denver so if you need anything let me know.

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.

[sweetiesuzy]

Dearest Jennie,
I have been thinking about you lots and just read all the new posts about how things have been going for you. I hope that things go along soon as I am sure it feels so hard and sad and every other emotion wrapped into one. I'm sorry things have been difficult with the doctors office. I think you are doing the right things in terms of following what your heart feels is best for your baby and how you want to deal with the funeral and all the details.
You are such an amazing and strong woman. Please keep us updated on how you are feeling.
Hugs and love,
Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02

[jenn]

*sigh* I have a D & C scheduled the day before thanksgiving. Of all days huh? In a way it works,I'll have my family with me for the long weekend afterward.
The only thing upsetting me is that this just feels so final. But I know this day was coming. Half of me needs this to begin to heal and the other doesn't want to face reality. I'm sure these emotions are normal.
So The 26th is my big and I'll be thinking of all of you (your kindness and support is what has gotten me this far)Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Much luv to all! Jennie

Jennie
Jaidyn 30 wk
2lb. 12oz. 14 3/4 in.
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jrk/

[paljane8]

Oh Jennie, I am so sorry. I know you didn't want to have to got that route. Darn it! How are you feeling? I hope you enjoy the holidays inspite of it.

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[jenn]

Update

Hi everyone. I wanted to give an update due to the outpore of concern. (thank you for caring sooo much!) I was scheduled for a d&c that never took place due to dr. error. Little did I realize how happy I am that never happened. The following week I lost my pregnancy in the comfort of my own home with my family at my side. Baby Blaze past Dec. 6th 2003.
That same evening, by chance, was gathering at local cemetery for parents whom lost children. My husband and I attended. It helped to know the pain I felt was real and others have felt this too. I'm not one to cry, but let me tell you... there wasn't a dry eye there. We got to say goodbye - that was so important. Blaze was our child even though we never met.
I learned so much from this chapter of my life. From expecting the unexpected, to finding complete strangers cared for us, so many things like this. I see the world through different eyes since.
Blaze will forever live in our hearts. He (yes, i swear our baby was a he, forgive me Blaze if I am wrong) is at peace in an urn box in our home. His urn box has a diamond cross and his name upon it. My husband and I were able to get exact matching diamond necklaces. We were them always to carry our son with us. He did exsist, and forever will in our hearts! I (we) love you Blaze!
A chapter has come to an end. But a new begining has started. The one thought that helps me to begin this new chapter is knowing I will be with Blaze someday... so in a way his passing is not permanent. And I know he's here with us every step of the way till the day we meet.

Thank you to everyone for your support, love, kindness, caring, friendship, etc. It has helped me to get through this. I have learned from you, and promise to carry on what you have taught me.

All my love!

Jennie
Mommy to:
Jaidyn Riley 1.24.01 PE/HELLP (10 wk, 2lb. 12oz.)
Angel Blaze 12.6.03 (miscarriage)