by annegarrett (2525 Posts), Fri Oct 24, 2003 05:48 pm
I am so sorry. Having just lost my mom--I know too well that there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will take away the unbearable hurt you must feel right now. I have found it helps that people just try. That means a great deal. There are so many women here who have had similar losses--too many--that I am sure you will get valuable support from them but let me suggest one thing that our pastor recommended for our children who felt unable to share things with my mother during her end days. He recommended we have them write a letter to her and share all the things they wanted to say but had not had the opportunity or the inner strength to do. It is a lot for a child. I would suggest you do something similar--write your baby a letter--name the baby--maybe, since you don't know the sex--choose a name that could be for either sex--like Dana or Brook or Blaze--and then write your baby a letter about all the things that you would have done together and won't do now--about his or her relationship with each of you, his older sibling, and just pour your hurt out into this letter and then I would see if the hospital will let you have the remains to either bury or cremate. Some do. You can bury the letter with the baby or keep it for your older child for later. There will be times when you will want to remember those hopes and dreams and you will appreciate them.
This is just a tough tough day. I am so sorry. Please know if I could do anything to take away the hurt--I would. My personal philosophy is that these losses make us appreciate the depth of love we have for one another, the value and fragileness of human life and they make us better people. My priorities, my boundaries, what I need--that is so much clearer for me. All the hurts in our life are part of the fabric of our life that enriches or erodes us--depending on the how we choose to use that hurt. My hope for you is that this will bring you greater closeness with your family and husband and that if you believe in heaven--the ladies made me feel better by saying my mom was up there taking care of their babies. I am sure she would be happy to watch one more. I miss her immensely. I share your grief.
Please never hesitate to write or call if you need anything.
Take care and much love to you--