by annegarrett (2525 Posts), Mon Dec 01, 2003 12:52 am
This post is from a new member who is having a hard time and would love to hear from people who have also experienced similar loss. Her email is firstname.lastname@example.org
I stumbled across this board by chance after finding the address on a pregnancy support group I have been part of . ( Julie , I recognise your name from there ) .
After reading Callie's mom's post , I felt like I was reading about myself . I am so glad that I have found a place where there are other women who really understand what it is like to lose a precious baby . I cried when I read some of your posts , because your feelings and thoughts echoed mine ...
Our daughter Dina Chaya Hodaya ( Chaya means " life" in Hebrew and Hodaya means "We thank God " ) was born on 29 October 2003 at 25 weeks and 4 days . She lived for only 5 and a half days . The pain of losing her , and the trauma of all that I have been through is so overwhelming , and all engulfing .It has now been 3 and a half weeks since we lost her , and I still feel so sad every day , and find it so hard to pull myself together and function . I think about her all the time and find it so hard to do "normal" things . People avoid talking to me about what happened because I think they are too scared or uncomfortable . Sometimes I just feel like I have some "contageous disease" !
I have had preeclampsia and HELLP three times . My daughter Tali was born at 32 weeks and spent 5 weeks in NICU in 1998 . Today , she is a bright , lovable 5 and a half year old . I had difficulty falling pregnant the seccond time , and after doing fertility treatment ( IUI ) , I fell pregnant again . I lost our seccond angel at 20 weeks , due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome . I never got to see the baby , because the doctors did a D and E .
It took me over a year to fall pregnant a third time ( this time I succeeded with IVF ) . I was watched very closely during this pregnancy , was on aspirin and heparin . It was a twin pregnancy , and because of my poor obetsetric history of recurrent HELLP , all the high risk specialists I consulted with reccomended that I do a foetal reduction to decrease my risks . It was against mine and my husband's inner beliefs but we did it because we thought it would give me a better chance. It was very traumatic for me .
My blood pressure was high throughout my last pregnancy but kept on getting worse . I was a bundle of nerves all the time because I was so scared of getting HELLP again and losing another baby .
I was admitted at 24 weeks with the beginning of preeclampsia . I managed to last out another 11 days , and then had to have an emergency caesarian section because I was developing HELLP .
After the operation , I went into acute renal failure and nearly lost my life. I spent 3 days in the emergency recovery room , and finally things started stabilising .
I was really ill , and was swollen up like a Michelin man ( I had gained over 15kg because of severe oedema) . I managed to go to the NICU 3 times to see our precious daughter . To me it was a miracle that I managed to spend time with her and see her while she was alive . But now it hurts so much when I think of her , and think that she was not supposed to die . I had waited for another baby for so long ,and wanted her to be with me here on this earth , not up in heaven .
Now I find myself mourning my daughter , Dina , and mourning the fact that I will not be able to fall pregnant again and give my daughter Tali a little sister or brother . ( I am far too scared to try again after nearly losing my life , and could not handle losing another baby ) .
Thanks for listening to me .
Mom to Tali ( HELLP 32 weeks, 5/3/1998 ) , my first angel in heaven ( HELLP 20 weeks, 20/2/2002 ) , and my seccond angel in heaven ,Dina Chaya Hodaya ( HELLP 25 weeks , 19/10/2003-5/11/2003)