Post Reply FAQ Members Login

how to handle the questions?

This section is for discussions with other women who have probably been through the same signs/symptoms that you may be experiencing. Please note, we cannot offer medical advice and encourage members to discuss their concerns with their doctors. New members, come on in and introduce yourself!

how to handle the questions?

Postby kdreher » Sun Oct 26, 2003 04:06 pm

by kdreher (2482 Posts), Sun Oct 26, 2003 04:06 pm

Although my Tyler entered and left his mommy over 8.5 yrs ago, I still have difficulty answering some questions. Having just recently found an outlet and support for what I went through, I am seeking advice.

Over the past 8 yrs, I have been asked "So, do you have any children?" There have been many times I have said "NO" and there are times I have said "YES" and I have personally struggled and beat myself up about both answers. I always feel like if I say "NO", I am deminishing the life that Tyler had with me. If I say "YES", I know there is a "BUT" coming because I can't talk about him as anything other than a two week old whom I loved and lost. I don't want others sympathy or to put them in a bad spot.

I know in my heart of hearts I have a child and I am a mommy. I have rationalized my answers based on who the person is and whether or not I want them to know my life. I am pretty open, but choose who to share Tyler with and who not to. Am I making any sense?

I have a mother's necklace with Tyler's birthstone in it and have been asked before about it. I have said that it represents my son and all those children in my life for whom I am close (nepehew and stepchildren). Sometimes I don't justify his life by telling our story to them, I just move on.

I was wondering if anyone has ever felt the same way? Thank you.

Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil
User avatar
kdreher
Registered User
 
Posts: 2482
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2003 11:38 am
Location: Rhode Island

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby sweetiesuzy » Sun Oct 26, 2003 06:54 pm

by sweetiesuzy (2404 Posts), Sun Oct 26, 2003 06:54 pm

Dearest Kris,
Although my daughter Chloe never came home with us or lived outside of my womb I understand your torment. It is something I struggle with all the time. I have two living children and that is hard when people ask me how many children I have. In reality I know the number - and that includes Chloe. But it is difficult and akward for people to listen to my story. Most people are afraid of death and grief. Our society has made it so hard for people to understand and open up to people who are suffering. I wear her baby ring that I was given in the hospital on my necklace. I get asked about it quite a bit. I have even had people say - "oh how cute! you wear your baby ring!" Then am I supposed to say no it is my daughters baby ring and she is dead? It is hard and it makes me feel bad to not tell people all the time about her. I guess the people in my life that really love and care for me are the people who know and except how I feel. I love her and will never forget - just like you will never forget. I have a special place in my heart for angel babies and I think of them, all of them, everyday... including precious Tyler.
Big hugs,
Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02



sweetiesuzy
Registered User
 
Posts: 2404
Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2003 05:37 pm

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby erin2003 » Mon Oct 27, 2003 04:24 am

by erin2003 (40 Posts), Mon Oct 27, 2003 04:24 am

Hi,

I am glad you brought up this difficult topic. I was recently out shopping and a stranger started talking to me and since I am looking the pregnant part asked if this is my first baby. I said "yes" and cried all the way home! I find it so difficult to answer strangers when they ask about our "children". I can not stand to see the look of "shock/pity" on their faces when they hear Jack's story. We have come to be able to talk and remember Jack with happiness not sorrow. We have found that it is more uncomfortable for others rather than hurtful for us.

I don't know what to say! I don't want to share Jack with complete strangers yet I feel so horrible by by saying this is our "first baby". Because to us Jack will always be our first baby.

If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

((hugs)) to both of you!

Erin



Me 27 DH 28
^|^ Jackson Andrew
Jan 21-25, 2003 (27w5d)
Pre-E, HELLP
EDD #2 Jan 6, 2004
C-section scheduled for Decemeber 31, 2003
erin2003
Registered User
 
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2003 02:06 pm

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby kimpaulus00 » Mon Oct 27, 2003 05:29 am

by kimpaulus00 (77 Posts), Mon Oct 27, 2003 05:29 am

I have been in the same fix and usually answer depending on the situation.

Over the week-end, I was at a friend's wedding reception and her father asked me if we had any children and while I knew that my friend knew the whole story, I did not want to make her father feel bad by talking about Allison. I wonder every time that I answer the question that way if Allison feels like I have forgotten all about her. After much talk and crying, my DH and I have decided that even answering "no" is not forgetting Allison because she knows that she will always be in our hearts.

Even my mom has been asked the question about grandchildren and I think that she approaches the situation in a similar manner.

The questions are never easy and we decided that the best way to approach the situation is to decide how to answer ("no" or "only an angel") based on who is asking, where we are, and what is going on. Sorry that I can not offer much more than that. I think that everyone has to answer the way that they see fit; like with everything else associated with this disease, there is no one size fits all answer.

Hugs to you all.


Kim -- mother to Allison Jean, our beautiful angel who showed a spirit and strength that belied her small size
kimpaulus00
Registered User
 
Posts: 77
Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 07:03 am

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby lawsontx » Mon Oct 27, 2003 07:19 am

by lawsontx (31 Posts), Mon Oct 27, 2003 07:19 am

Interesting timing for this topic…

I was at a Halloween party on Saturday with my husband and my parents when this subject came up. Last year I found out I was pregnant 2 days before the party, so everyone was doing the whole congratulations thing. This year one of the ladies I talked to last year is currently 4 months pregnant.

My mom and I were standing together talking when she walked up and asked how old my baby is now. My mom and I looked at each other with “that look” we get when asked about it. I’m sure many of you know the look I’m talking about. When I told her that Faith died shortly after birth, she just froze and said” Hold on while I put my foot in my mouth.” So mom and I stood there telling her my experience with Pree and HELLP. She actually knew about preeclampsia. She has had 2 tubals, one resulting in the loss of the tube so she knew the hurt and disappointment of losing a pregnancy.

I almost always answer the question of children with a proud “yes” response. I have answered “no” a couple of times, and then cried about it afterward. Rather than crying about it, I choose to say “I have one, but she died shortly after birth.” It doesn’t bother me to talk about Faith, and I always tell people that there is no need to apologize for asking a perfectly innocent question. I’ve been fairly successful in keeping people from feeling bad about it so far because I typically have a smile on my face when I think about my daughter. Death is a part of life, so there is no reason to avoid the subject!

-Jessica
lawsontx
Registered User
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Apr 03, 2003 11:23 am

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby kdreher » Mon Oct 27, 2003 10:34 am

by kdreher (2482 Posts), Mon Oct 27, 2003 10:34 am

I appreciate all the words of kindness and can relate to what each of you said. Our children gone are our angels and I am proud of my son. I guess, for me, is to handle it the best way possible. I guess Ive done okay for the past 8 yrs.

Thanks for the hugs



Kris (34)
DH, Tom (33)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks pe/HELLP)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil
User avatar
kdreher
Registered User
 
Posts: 2482
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2003 11:38 am
Location: Rhode Island

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby angelkat » Mon Oct 27, 2003 08:12 pm

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Mon Oct 27, 2003 08:12 pm

I always say I have two boys on Earth and my little girl in heaven. Usually it makes people think but it answers the question...


Mommy to
Drew(12)
Ky (10)
and our Angel Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) forever in our hearts and thoughts
http://www.forevernetwork.com/Archive/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=%2FArchives%2FMountHope&CFID=1089289&CFTOKEN=79068509
angelkat
Registered User
 
Posts: 3423
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 10:26 am

Re : how to handle the questions?

Postby taras mom » Mon Oct 27, 2003 09:14 pm

by taras mom (841 Posts), Mon Oct 27, 2003 09:14 pm

I avoided people for a long time just to avoid the questions! I still don't always know what to say, either. I wish I had a consistent answer, but it always boils down to how much I feel like talking to a particular person at a particular time. Sometimes there are just two kinds of people in the world: those who already know about mighty Tara and everyone else.

Carol (38)
DH Bill (39)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel
taras mom
Registered User
 
Posts: 841
Joined: Thu May 01, 2003 01:30 am


Return to Ask the Experienced

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest