Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby calliesmom » Fri Apr 30, 2004 11:15 am

All of you echo how I feel whenever I see a baby. Jealous thoughts, a "hunger", all go through my mind. Sometimes, I even think about how I'll never get to do this or that with my daughter. I have been told NOT to become pregnant again, and my poor husband, after almost losing me twice doesn't want to risk it either. I have to say, seeing babies does not seem to be getting any easier. I lost Callie in November, and I'm not any better at handling it now. At first, I think I was just numb to everything, but now, all of it has settled in, and it can be just devestating. I am so glad that this forum exists. It is one of the few places I feel "normal".

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Mom to Chase (born 31 weeks, c-section, due to severe pe)


to Callie, my angel, born 23 1/2 weeks, induced, stillborn, due to severe pe and HELLP

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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby amillhouse » Thu Apr 29, 2004 08:03 pm

Hungry eyes - gosh, that is such a hurtful yet accurate way to put it. I know for me at those moments I don't want anyone to notice my longing and definitely don't want anyone to hand me their baby! I would prefer to just have that as a private moment that I get through on my own.


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20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby kimb » Thu Apr 29, 2004 07:30 pm

It seems I am constantly confronting this issue. My boss and his wife were pregnant and people wanted to have a party for them. I declined as I can be happy for them - but can't join in the celebration. Another co-worker is pregnant and is high risk for other reasons (due to previously having a broken pelvis and other issues). I have been doing ok with her pregnancy - she seeks me out when she needs support and we talk and I give her lots of reassurances. When she thought she was miscarrying I told her to be calm and that I would talk to Will that night and ask to keep an eye out for her and her baby. She'll give me updates and tell me to tell Will he's doing a good job. It was very hard when she was at 20 weeks last week and that was where I was when I lost Will.

I also had a nephew born 3 weeks before I lost Will. It was very hard to see him as a little person or to look at his pictures. When I finally did meet him 7 months later (they live halfway across the country) it helped greatly to see him and hold him. When first holding him I was crying and my sister went to take him - but I needed to hold him.

After nearly 10 months though I do still try to divert my eyes from babies - it just hurts too much.

Others can't determine how long we should hurt as we do. Don't let anyone tell you it has been too long. We each need to heal in our own time. Take care.

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby gossamer » Thu Apr 29, 2004 07:20 pm

I know that right after my baby died, I desperately held any baby I could get my hands on. Now, 9 months later it is much harder for me to see an infant. My first thought is "What did they do to deserve a baby?" I know that's not fair to them, but that's how I feel. So yes, it does hurt when I see other babies. Especially babies that were born around Mary Rose's due date. It is not so bad when I see babies born when she actually was, because she was born 4 months early. It also seems to matter if I like or know the parents. If I like the parents, I have less of a problem with their baby. If I don't like or don't know the parents, I start getting snarky with my thoughts.

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you.
This is the miracle of life. " -Maureen Hawkins
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby julie f » Thu Apr 29, 2004 03:40 pm

Catherine - Hungry eyes... a perfect way to describe it I think. There are times when I catch myself watching others children with such longing, so badly wanting that to be me.

When I catch myself I just look away and pray no one else noticed...

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby angelkat » Thu Apr 29, 2004 02:43 pm

I have been very blessed to be able to hold another baby. I am the Nursery Head for our church and as always we have workers who do not like to come to church when it's their sunday to work. It was very hard the first few times, but then it got easier & easier for me.

What I have a hard time with, is parents who say stuipd things like "at times, I wish you were never born".. That's when I want to rip the baby out of their hands...


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~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) & Casey (EDD 09/10 or 09/11-Sure he will be here in Aug)
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby catherine » Thu Apr 29, 2004 12:45 am

Hi All, firstly Shonia, you couldn't hurt my feelings, my heart breaks for you and your loss.

Secondly, and this is just food for thought... my husband is the person who brought this up to me, although in the context of some friends of ours with a long history of infertility. He said to me..."they have such hungry eyes". It made me so sad. Since then, in friends who have suffered losses, sometimes when they watch our kids, we see this. We would love to be able to reach out at that moment and help to assuage, even a little bit, the pain that we can see that they feel.

Perhaps some sense of this is why people, apparently insensitively, press their babies upon you, they see the hurt and they want to take the pain away, they just don't realise that they make it worse.

Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby josiah1112 » Thu Apr 29, 2004 12:09 am

Hi Shonia,

I am so sorry that we have to go through this.
How insensitive of those people who said that to
you about being bitter!! Please educate them (after
the shock wears off!). People told me some crazy
things and when I did not feel good about them I
pursued them. even if it was at a later date.
Sometimes I was so shocked. What hurt a lot too
was some people's silence. Some days are better
for me than others when I see babies. At church
on Sunday I couldn't stop crying. I saw a mom
who was sitting a couple of rows in front of us
with her son. He was about 3 years old. She was
holding him and playing with him. - There was
such intimacy there. All I could think was- that's
what I will never get to have with my son.

Baby Showers, I don't go to. I explain
that I am not up to it. If they are truly my friends
they will understand. (Annika - hats off to you if you
can bear to go. Please do not push yourself if you don't
feel up to it. I think if we were not feeling tormented in
one way or another there would be something wrong with us.
How can one be completely happy go lucky after losing
a little being that was part of us?

Take Care Everyone,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby shonia » Thu Apr 29, 2004 10:13 am

Thank you so much for the king words you wrote to me. I hope sincerely that i did not offend you in anyway. Babies are so precious and i am so glad you have your child with you, as i am for everyone who hasn't lost a child. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Never take your children for granted and always say I love you. Even when maybe you feel like you want to pull your hair some days, i truly believe their is nothing sweeter than holding your child in your arms. What a beautiful gift from God, no matter how long we get to keep them!
quote:Originally posted by Catherine

Shonia, I think that I can offer a practical answer from the perspective of the mom with the baby. One of my close friends lost a baby around the same time as you. Not preeclampsia, an unsurvivable birth defect which meant that the whole time that we were actually having our daughter (born in July) they were going through the process of having the problem diagnosed etc. We work together and I had to bring my baby to work with me quite often during the fall. I was dying inside for somewhat the same reasons as you suggest. I was very afraid that she would think that I was rubbing my baby in her face etc. It has been a real struggle for both of us to speak openly, both then, when the issue was acute, and now, when some time has passed. We have come to a situation where I don't ask her if she wants to play with Chloe, but if she comes over and asks, then she gets first chance. I guess that everyone heals in their own way, and at their own pace. I know that I would never be offended and my feelings would not be hurt if she told me that she just didn't feel up to interacting, especially when everyone else clusters around cooing etc. I always perceive that as salt in the wound.

Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks

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Re : Does it hurt you when you see other babies?

Postby julie f » Wed Apr 28, 2004 04:51 pm


It's been nine months and it still hurts to see all my friends and family with their babies... though, it has changed and I am usually able to grin and bear it, even when I don't feel like it.

I think at first, I was way too worried about offending others by not smiling at their baby or saying how cute they were, etc. I had many friends who had just had babies or, were pregnant at the time. You know what was almost harder for me though - dealing with pregnant women - women who were more pregnant than I've ever been. I just couldn't be around them and see their bellies or hear them complaining about their pregnancy... My SIL whom I'm very close to was also pregnant at the time and just had a baby boy in February. I went up to visit a couple hours after he was born and, it meant so much to be there but, I was just numb to it all. I am able to hold him, kiss him, snuggle him but, it often feels quite empty. I love him to pieces but, I feel like I am just going through the motions of being a good Auntie as my heart isn't always 100% in it.

I think it's completely normal what you are feeling. I think that people who think you are bitter are fortunate enough to be blissfully ignorant to the tragedy you have faced. They could never comprehend the loss you have suffered and the feeling of empty arms.

If I could go back, I would worry much less about hurting others' feelings and more about taking care of me.


Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

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