new member

[annegarrett]

This post is from a new member who is having a hard time and would love to hear from people who have also experienced similar loss. Her email is hoppy@netvision.net.il


I stumbled across this board by chance after finding the address on a pregnancy support group I have been part of . ( Julie , I recognise your name from there ) .

After reading Callie's mom's post , I felt like I was reading about myself . I am so glad that I have found a place where there are other women who really understand what it is like to lose a precious baby . I cried when I read some of your posts , because your feelings and thoughts echoed mine ...


Our daughter Dina Chaya Hodaya ( Chaya means " life" in Hebrew and Hodaya means "We thank God " ) was born on 29 October 2003 at 25 weeks and 4 days . She lived for only 5 and a half days . The pain of losing her , and the trauma of all that I have been through is so overwhelming , and all engulfing .It has now been 3 and a half weeks since we lost her , and I still feel so sad every day , and find it so hard to pull myself together and function . I think about her all the time and find it so hard to do "normal" things . People avoid talking to me about what happened because I think they are too scared or uncomfortable . Sometimes I just feel like I have some "contageous disease" !

I have had preeclampsia and HELLP three times . My daughter Tali was born at 32 weeks and spent 5 weeks in NICU in 1998 . Today , she is a bright , lovable 5 and a half year old . I had difficulty falling pregnant the seccond time , and after doing fertility treatment ( IUI ) , I fell pregnant again . I lost our seccond angel at 20 weeks , due to preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome . I never got to see the baby , because the doctors did a D and E .

It took me over a year to fall pregnant a third time ( this time I succeeded with IVF ) . I was watched very closely during this pregnancy , was on aspirin and heparin . It was a twin pregnancy , and because of my poor obetsetric history of recurrent HELLP , all the high risk specialists I consulted with reccomended that I do a foetal reduction to decrease my risks . It was against mine and my husband's inner beliefs but we did it because we thought it would give me a better chance. It was very traumatic for me .

My blood pressure was high throughout my last pregnancy but kept on getting worse . I was a bundle of nerves all the time because I was so scared of getting HELLP again and losing another baby .

I was admitted at 24 weeks with the beginning of preeclampsia . I managed to last out another 11 days , and then had to have an emergency caesarian section because I was developing HELLP .

After the operation , I went into acute renal failure and nearly lost my life. I spent 3 days in the emergency recovery room , and finally things started stabilising .

I was really ill , and was swollen up like a Michelin man ( I had gained over 15kg because of severe oedema) . I managed to go to the NICU 3 times to see our precious daughter . To me it was a miracle that I managed to spend time with her and see her while she was alive . But now it hurts so much when I think of her , and think that she was not supposed to die . I had waited for another baby for so long ,and wanted her to be with me here on this earth , not up in heaven .

Now I find myself mourning my daughter , Dina , and mourning the fact that I will not be able to fall pregnant again and give my daughter Tali a little sister or brother . ( I am far too scared to try again after nearly losing my life , and could not handle losing another baby ) .

Thanks for listening to me .

Michal

Mom to Tali ( HELLP 32 weeks, 5/3/1998 ) , my first angel in heaven ( HELLP 20 weeks, 20/2/2002 ) , and my seccond angel in heaven ,Dina Chaya Hodaya ( HELLP 25 weeks , 19/10/2003-5/11/2003)

[akemt]

Michal,

I responded to your post on the yahoo group and apologize if I offended you in any way by it. I did not know your religious background and was trying to ease some of your pain by giving you a bit of what brings me hope and comfort. I have not lost a child and will not even try to say I understand. Though, I have lost many who are close to me and feel sadness for you. I have been on the receiving end of the "contageous disease" stuff. My father died when I was in Junior high and the counselor there actually encouraged the teachers to tell their students to not talk to me about it! Can you imagine? That translated into no one talking to me at all...teachers or friends. I then became paranoid about crying around others or showing any emotion because I thought they would all assume it was related to my father and would isolate me more. That may not have been logical or realistic, but it was MY reality at the time. It has taken me years to get past that and I still find myself influenced by it sometimes. Make sure you have someone you can go to and simply "release." I hope that you find this forum can do that for you.

Please accept my sincerest condolences,

Catherine (22)
DH Britton (27)
Emma Margaret (03/02/03) 37 weeks from PIH & oligo

[bonnie]

Michal,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

May G-d comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Ha-Makom y'nachem et'chem b'toch sha'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim.

Please know that this is a wonderful group of women, who are always looking for ways to help other women.

Best of luck (Bracha Yocheved, or known here as Bonnie).



Yoni's ima

Yonatan 7/10/2002 (35 weeks PE)

[angelkat]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family for strength and comfort.

(I sent you an e-mail)

Hugs
~T

Mommy to
Drew(12)
Ky (10)
and our Angel Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) forever in our hearts and thoughts
http://www.forevernetwork.com/Archive/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=%2FArchives%2FMountHope&CFID=1089289&CFTOKEN=79068509

[michal]

Catherine hi .
I have FINALLY managed to log in to this forum .
I was in no way offended by your message that you wrote to me on the yshoo site . I have not yet replied to any of the messages because I was finding it too painful to go online and read about other people's "succesful" ( ie their baby survived ) pregnancies .
That is why I think this forum will be better for me at the moment in my present fragile frame of mind .
I do believe that my daughter Dina is in heaven , and that she is in a safe place and that one day we will meet again .
It is just painful and difficult for me to fathom out why God would want me to suffer so much , and why I had to have two babies taken away from me , and now the ability to have more children naturally has also been denied to me . That is a lot to handle .
I do feel thankful for my life , which I nearly lost , and thankful to have a loving husband and 5 year old daughter .
Since I wrote my original post , more of my friends have been calling ( it took over a month ) .Some are able to talk to me about Dina , but I find it very painful when others ignore what happened .
I do not blame them .I know they do not realize that for me to heal , it is important to talk about my baby .
Michal

[akemt]

Michal,

Thankyou for your response. I'm glad your friends have started calling a bit more. They probably simply did not know how to respond without hurting you more and therefor did nothing, not realizing that was worse. I know that when my father died, the most amazing response was from an elderly woman and close friend of the family who simply came to our house and handed my mom a box of tissues then proceded to sit and cry with us, without words. I still cry when I think of that.

It is so wonderful that you are able to think of the blessings you have at this time. I know that as you look back later in life that you will be able to see that God has been watching over you even though you may not be able to see it now. I know that to be true in my life. I hope that this experience will help you to grow ever closer to your husband and child.

Do you mind if I try to respond to your questions a little? I know that nothing will take away the pain, but if I can lessen it in any way... I don't think God necessarily WANTS you to suffer. I think sometimes he lets us suffer because we learn from it, grow stronger, and can help others...or because your children needed to return to him for reasons we don't know and he knew that you were the best capable to get through this, faith intact. Also, part of my religious beleif is that God, like any loving parent, wants us to gain all the goodness he has. To do so, we have to come to earth and gain a body. We beleive he has a body like that of a man, but in a perfected form. Although your children did not get the opportunity to make full use of their bodies here on this earth, you have just given those precious children the opportunity to return to God and become prefected like him. What an amazing gift. I hope you can find some comfort in what I have said. If you ever feel the need to talk, you can email me at akemt@hotmail.com I pray that God will lift you through your grief.

Catherine (22)
DH Britton (27)
Emma Margaret (03/02/03) 37 weeks from PIH & oligo