New baby after loss - To prepare or not?

[amandab]

During our last pregnancy, DH and I had started preparing for Aidan's arrival. We bought nursery furniture, decorated the nursery and had a shower shcheduled. We lost Aidan a couple of weeks before the shower so we didn't have to worry about returning gifts or anything. But we do have the nursery that I look at all the time.

Before we got pregnant this time, DH and I decided that we wouldn't actually prepare for this baby at all. We actually worked out a big plan that we would register for everything, but not buy anything or have a shower until the baby arrived safe and sound. My DH was going to go buy the necessities off our registries before me and baby were released from the hospital.

But lately my friends have been getting more anxious to plan a shower for us, and I have been reading all the What to Expect books that have the long lists of everything you should have ready for baby before even leaving for the hospital. DH still doesn't want prepare or have a shower, but he says he will agree to that if I decide I want it.

I'm just torn. On the one hand, I hate the idea of buying and receiving things that we might not ever get to use. But I also hate the idea of DH having to run around buying all the necessities in those first few crazy days. And it doesn't help that I don't even really know what the necessities really are.

Any opinions or experiences would be so appreciated!

Amanda
~i~ Aidan Timothy
4/14/03 29 wks
Expecting again!!!
EDD 6/13/04

[twolfgram]

Hi Amanda,

I don't know what to tell you! With our first, he was born at 28 weeks and we didn't have a thing ready, so we did it all while J was still in the hospital. With Erik, we had nothing ready, either, except DH had started painting the room. I just found out on Sunday that I'm pg again, so I don't know what we're going to do this time. I'm really scared as well. I'd like to start planning and all that, even tho it's still REALLY early, but I'm hesitant as well. I'd get some things together, because you're going to be SUPER busy when you get home from the hospital with that new little one! Good luck!

Therese Mom to
Jonathan - 28 weeks born 10/4/95
Angel in Heaven - Erik 12/20/02

[paljane8]

Hey Amanda,

That nesting instinct is so intense! I know you have so much apprehension about getting excited. You went through that with Aidan. Do what feels good and right for you and DH. If you want to start buying and preparing then do it. When those feelings of hurt and fear happen-acknowlege them but, also enjoy the prep. Celebrate those fun things. It is ok to give yourself permission to feel both sides of that emotional pendulum. If you decide you want to wait on the baby shower ask your friends to plan it after the baby. I always think it is fun to hold the little one you bought a gift for [:)]. Hang in there, sweetie!

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[lisac]

Hi Amanda,
I plan on not having a shower either until after the birth. (By the way, I'm not pg yet). This is mostly out of crazy superstition. Plus, I don't want to get too excited, maybe it's emotional protection/defense mechanism. If we hit 28 wks pg, and things look good then maybe we'll just buy the bare necessities on our own.
Lisa

[julie f]

Amanda,

My husband and I were just talking about this as well. We were actually clearing out the room that was to be my son's nursery the day I was admitted to the hospital. So, there were no decorations and paint up, just a huge mess and at the time I was thankful for that.

We're in the process of painting some rooms in the house right now and we're looking at the "nursery" wondering what we should do with it. We plan to start TTC next month so, I'm worried it would be a bit presumptuous to go ahead and have it painted right now. But, my husband is the opposite. I appreciate his optimism - he says that he is going into this pregnancy expecting nothing less than a full-term, healthy baby. Needless to say he's not as hesitant about painting the nursery...

Sorry I couldn't be of much help, I'm still undecided as to what we'll do when the time comes as well! I would love to hear what everyone else is/has doing/done. One thing my friend suggested is to have a shower shortly afterwards and have our families gather the necessities before we leave the hospital. I think your idea of registering is a great idea, a "shopping list" so to speak.

Julie (26)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

[catherine]

Lord knows Amanda, I've not walked in your shoes but I do want to reassure you that a new baby (term or close to) really needs nothing. All of my monsters were totally unexpected and nothing was ready. The Irish are like Jewish folk, we are very uncomfortable about stuff coming in advance of the new arrival so we had done nothing, even for our first baby. If you feel that you'd be ok with having nothing but a carseat... that will work out just fine. Babies need only diapers, a t-shirt, a little blanket and a place to sleep (our bed LOL!). The carseat my husband bought for Finn on his way to pick us up from the hospital!!

Do you want a shower? I think it would be just fine to ask your friends to hold off and have a "meet my new baby" party if you and DH would find that a happier thing to do.

BTW (and Bonnie can confirm this I think), the Jewish girls I knew in Boston preordered everything at the store for delivery when required.

Catherine (37)
DH, Dave (40)
Finn (6)
Lucy (2)Preeclampsia & HELLP
Chloe (7/2/03)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/f/finngoosensprout

[cathyw]

Hi, Amanda.

Just wanted to reiterate what Catherine said, new babies really do not need a whole lot of stuff in the beginning. You'll need a bassinet for the baby to sleep in, some blankets, some onesies, burp cloths, a pacifier, diapers, bottles, and a car seat. And, that is about it! If you are planning on breast-feeding, you may want to get a breast pump in case you have problems with milk supply and need to pump early on. You can even rent one from the hospital on your way out the door. Your husband could get the rest of the stuff on a quick trip to BabiesRUs. My son was born two months early and we did not have a shower before his arrival. We had painted his room and had bought the dresser/crib. But that was about it. My family/friends hosted a "Welcome Tea" two weeks after his arrival. Johnny was still in the NICU but people loved getting to look at pictures of him, to hear how he was doing etc. It was fun, although I did feel a bit like a train wreck from continuing high BP. Best of luck with your decision-making. Just follow your heart and don't worry about pleasing other people etc. How are you feeling these days??
Cathy-35
DH Christian -38
John Sebastian-14 months, (born at 32.5 weeks d/t Severe PRe-E)

[amandab]

Thanks so much for all the helpful responses!! I know part of the difficulty for me is that I want to be able to prepare for Baby B's arrival. Waaaay too much Baby Story watching. It's the same old pre-e topic... Where is my normal pregnancy?? [:(] It is so helpful to know that many of you made it through the first weeks just fine without being prepared ahead of time.

Cathy ~ I laughed when I read your "quick trip to BabiesRUs" comment because my husband has said, "I'll just make a quick trip to BabiesRUs to grab some things, and we'll be fine!"

Therese ~ Congrats to you!! I am hoping you have a healthy and uneventful 9 months!

By the way, I'm feeling pretty good these days. BP is still labile, so I get some high readings, but mostly normal readings. Now that I am 17 weeks, I think I have subconciously slipped into that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mode. I have a peri appt on Jan. 21st that I am really looking forward too. Hopefully, we'll see Baby B's "parts" and get good news in general!

Good luck to all of you that are TTC! Thanks again for the responses! If anyone else has anything to add, please do.

Amanda
~i~ Aidan Timothy
4/14/03 29 wks
Expecting again!!!
EDD 6/13/04

[amyk]

We had nothing at home since our daughter was early (actually we had nothing for our son, either, but that's another story) but you just don't really need it. Our daughter didn't sleep in a crib for several months, and didn't stay, and our son doesn't even know what a crib is...[;)]Friends brought us a new car seat while I was still in the hospital, and when Chloe left the hospital they gave us just about everything we needed to tide us over (thermometers, diapers, pacifiers, etc.). Now that I think about it, I'm sure we actually paid for that stuff on our medical bills at enormously inflated prices, but I digress...
Anyway, I think a trip to Babies R Us is actually more fun with the little * in tow!

Amy

Chloe (8/6/01) 35 weeks, p/e, hellp
Tristan (9/3/03), 32 weeks, p/e and hellp AGAIN

[amyk]

And here's to a big, bouncing Baby B! I guess you'll be halfway by the end of the month. How exciting!

Amy

Chloe (8/6/01) 35 weeks, p/e, hellp
Tristan (9/3/03), 32 weeks, p/e and hellp AGAIN