by 5thtymachrm (909 Posts), Mon Jul 12, 2004 05:18 pm
I know that all of you courageous women in here have been through a sadness I have never seen, and pray that I never will. I lost my babies very early on, each a piece of my heart. I don't think I have ever really sat down to think about the losses I have had, except when I was pg last year and going through so many problems so early in the pg. As we are ttc right now, I think my fears are all bubbling to the surface. I want so badly to get pg again, but there is a portion of me that prays the tests will be negative because of fear for the unknown. I wonder if all those people who have told me that I should just be happy that I have my one baby,and not to chance it again. I want to pummel those people so far, how can they know my heart?
This morning I woke up from another nightmare that I had found my dd not breathing in her crib, I was screaming for my dh to call 911 but he wasn't here and I couldn't leave her to call them. I woke up bawling my eyes out. I have dreams like this several times a week. Is this normal? I thought things would calm down for me, fear wise, as she got bigger and stronger. Not having to worry so much about SIDS and such. It has gotten really bad the last 2 weeks that we have been ttc.
I really feel the need to face it because I tend to run from emotional pain, especially something so deep and painful as my first loss. I still grieve for her and wonder how different my life would have been had she been it for the last 10 years.
For those of you who have had multiple m/c's at different times during the pg..I am wondering what they called them..i just rec'd all of my medical records from the pg and some past history information. I have had a total of 4 m/c's. The first was at 12wks-my records are calling it a "stillbirth"[:0]the word just shocked me, it was 10 yrs ago nearly and it has really shocked me today. The ob i had seen back then had given no reason, just a "things happen" excuse and told me I was better off because I was 19 and in a bad marriage. I was so angry and sad, i wanted to die. my marriage ended 7 days after I lost the baby. My naivete was lost also that same week. I have never been the same.
The other 3 m/c's were at 3, 5, 3 wks-theys listed them as "chemical abortion"! ack! I hate the word abortion because of its connotations. I am extremely strong on the side of prolife and would have never done something like that. I do understand that the medical community calls any m/c an abortion, I just hate the terminology. I can say that after the 3rd loss it no longer affected me the way the previous 2 had. I became numb to it. I just figured it was impossible for me to hold a pg.
I don't know why I read through those records today, they have really upset me. Not really about the last year of issues but calling that first loss a stillbirth. It has really brought up a lot of pain and sadness that was so long ago. I am excited to get pg again but this has really brought the old fears close up again. Now that I know what the end result of a pg is(a beautiful baby girl), it will be even more dificult to lose a pg. how did you deal with the pain of several losses? How do you not become a raving lunatic when pg?
TIA, I know you all here understand these issues only too well. My heart just aches for each of you. I think I come through and read at least once every other day, I cry as I read your stories and struggles but I think it helps see women carry on in life after something so terrible happening to them. I have not lost a pg due to PE, we do not know why I lost the first 4, this forum saved myself and my baby and I am eternally thankfull for its presence.
Indigo E. 11/20/03:37wks, PIH
ttc #2 is a go!