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still searching

Postby nunyobizniz5 » Sat Jul 17, 2004 08:34 am

by nunyobizniz5 (30 Posts), Sat Jul 17, 2004 08:34 am

Hello All! It's been a long time since I have written any topics or anything of the sort. It has been 10 mths. and 14 days since our daughter Adalyn died. I am still under a Kidney doctors care. I have also been put on some new meds. to see if my Kidneys will kick back in. Dealing with all this and the stress of medical bills that I never ever thought would happen to me, I can't seem to find time to mourn our daughters death. I figured that her first birthday will be hard for me. Keep in mind, I was coming out of a coma when they buried her. I never got to see her or hold her or even had closure of it all. I look at little baby girls (now around her age) and wonder if that is her. Sound silly? Sometimes I feel like she is just missing and deep down I guess I have always thought that while I was in bad shape that when I got better, they would bring her to me. Well, it hasn't happened. She is gone however I am not feeling anything. Last night when I went to bed, I started tearing up, thinking of her. I choked it in and went on to sleep. There isn't anyone who knows what I am going thru. They all had closure! As many women who are on here, I just wanted to see if any of you had the samething as to not seeing, touching, holding or being able to attend your babys funeral and how you cope with it.
Thanks for your all's time,
C.
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Re : still searching

Postby amillhouse » Sat Jul 17, 2004 03:05 pm

by amillhouse (587 Posts), Sat Jul 17, 2004 03:05 pm

Hi, C:
I am so sorry for what you have been through personally and for the loss of your daughter. I can't identify with everything you are going through but I also never got to hold Isaiah when he was alive. He was too tubed up. I never got to hear him cry - he didn't make a sound when he was born due to underdeveloped lungs. I feel like no one really understands how I feel about this and many other things - all of my anger, sadness and numbness. I probably didn't help, but know that I understand some of what you feel. I can't actually say that I am coping but I do try to imagine what it would have been like - how he would have looked kicking around - but without all of his tubes; what his voice would have been like; how different my house would have been if he were here in it - it's so quiet and it shouldn't be this way. It's not easy but my imagination does help me because I need to connect with Isaiah in whatever way possible. My counsellor also has me writing him letters. I don't really like to do it because it is so sad, but it does help me to connect with him in that and various ways.


Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]
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Re : still searching

Postby angelkat » Sat Jul 17, 2004 03:17 pm

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Sat Jul 17, 2004 03:17 pm

C:

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must make the grief process so much harder as you were not able to say good bye.

The first birthday is a very hard day (not to say there isn't many other hard days or harder days.) My prayers for comfort,peace and strenght are with you and your family....


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : still searching

Postby julie f » Sat Jul 17, 2004 08:57 pm

by julie f (7993 Posts), Sat Jul 17, 2004 08:57 pm

C,

Again, I am so sorry for your loss of Adalyn. I don't know the right words to say and I can't imagine not having the chance to say goodbye. That's just another horriblye cruel thing to add to all you have endured.

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator
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Re : still searching

Postby michelle » Tue Jul 20, 2004 07:36 pm

by michelle (14 Posts), Tue Jul 20, 2004 07:36 pm

Dear C.

Like you I have not written anything on the forum in a while. For some reason I have been drawn back lately. I could not keep back the tears when reading what you wrote. The numbness is something most of us who have lost do not talk about. For me the worst was and is the guilt. I have no reason to be guilty but it still comes back. Hudson would be almost 2 years old now. He was already gone when I held him but at least I held him. I do not think it makes a difference in the pain but maybe it helps with closure ... I am not sure.

What I do know is I had to learn to grieve and once I decided it was OK to cry ... I now cry for him whenever I need to. Learning to do that was my salvation. I gave up on placing importance on the medical bills ... funny ... they will let you pay them as you need to. Please do not let that cause you stress.

In some ways no one ever knows where a mother who has lost her baby is coming from. Also, the closure they have will never be ours. The pain lessens slowly and your body heals. It took me much longer than I realized.

I now have a 10 month old. He did not replace his brother but he has brought some smiles back to my heart. Everyone told me not to have him ... not to take the chance ... I had no choice because he was my way out of the fog and sadness.

You will find your way. I wish I could express to you how much I feel for you and with you.

Be strong and God Bless you.

Michelle

Michelle
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Re : still searching

Postby for faith » Wed Jul 21, 2004 08:55 am

by for faith (1749 Posts), Wed Jul 21, 2004 08:55 am

C ~ I am so sorry for your pain and the horrible way things happened. I did not have your extent of not being able to say goodbye, but I feel a lot of your emotions a lot. Many times it does feel like a horrible nightmare I want to wake up from.

I am wishing you peace as the anniversary approaches. Also wishing you continuing recovery.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02
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