Surviving Preeclampsia and Learning to Live- by Renee Feagan

Posted On Monday, November 29, 2010  by

I am a severe preeclampsia survivor.
 
I still dream about January 18, 2006.  I vividly hear the shrill of my daughter's heart alarm as her tiny heart has stopped beating from inside me, I feel my body convulse uncontrollably, and I see the panic in the nurse's eyes as she yells for help.  The last thing I remember before the anesthesiologist put me out was staring into the harsh glare of the operating room lights and crying to myself - is this how it all ends?
 
In one way YES, that is how it all ended.  Ending a way of life - through surviving preeclampsia I am learning to live my life.  So, during this time of year of giving thanks, here is what a traumatic experience is teaching me to be thankful for:
 
I am learning to listen.  As a multi-tasker I try to cook dinner, clean, or work while listening from a distance or not fully engaging with my family as they converse about their day.  I now take the time to stop whatever I am doing and listen intently whether it is to my daughter spinning a tall tale or my husband discussing his current woodworking achievement.
 
I am learning to cherish the live-in-the-now philosophy.   I looked forward to the weekend, the summer, the next adventure.  Before, I did not relish the little moments taking place every day - my daughter's family picture she drew in school, her new Spanish word of the day, the new dance move she picked up from So, You Think You Can Dance.  I now fully understand that tomorrow may never come, so I appreciate the little moments today.
 
I am learning to balance the complexities of work and life.  I was a Type A personality; I aspired to be a successful attorney.  Work has the power to replace me within weeks, but my family cannot.  I still give 100% at work, but now I leave with only the thought of making memories with my daughter.
 
I am learning to leave nothing unspoken.  I went through life with a day-to-day routine; and, before I knew it, a week had disappeared with no substantive communication from my family.  I now call my mother every day just to chat. I tell my daughter how important and special she is, even for no reason other than just to tell her, and I tell my husband I love him. 
 
Almost five years later, I still have difficulty uttering those six words- I am a severe preeclampsia survivor.  They are only words, it is only a statement - but to me, those six words drastically changed everything.  Those six words continue to change my path in life, my view of the world, and who I am as wife, mother, daughter, and friend. 
 
But, that's okay; I am now learning to live.