My Little Angel

Posted On Monday, May 16, 2011  by Nadene

My husband and I have been together for about 9 years.  We started dating when he was 18 and I was 19.  I was always skeptical about young couples since we both were at an age that we would be doing a lot of growing and changing so we never even mentioned marriage until we were together for several years.  We finally got married 09/11/10, after being together for over 8 years.  After we got married, since I was turning 28 just a few short months after the wedding, we agreed we would stop using all forms of contraceptives.  We both really wanted children very badly.  On 01/06/11 I got a positive test, and a blood test from the doctor showed we were indeed pregnant and roughly about 5 weeks along. 

I had a history of some elevated blood pressure issues a year before when I was working at a very stressful job.  Once I had quit that job, I had no more blood pressure issues.  I am also a plus sized woman, but my weight gain is not due to overeating but because I had a problem with undereating when under stress.  So, going into this pregnancy I was already worried about blood pressure.  I knew what preeclampsia was since a co-worker at my job had it during her pregnancy.  But, for every visit, my blood pressure was perfect.  I wasn't gaining weight, but baby was developing fine.  At almost 19 weeks I did a sneak peak ultrasound and found out I was having a baby boy, but the tech who was doing it leaned over and asked, "Are you drinking a lot of water?" I said I usually try to drink 4 to 5 16 oz bottles a day.  She nodded and didn't say anything else.  I got the feeling something wasn't right. 

The next week, I was a little past my 20 week mark, did an anatomy scan in my OBs office, but the tech put the device on me and said, "Girl you are dehydrated.  There's not much fluid in the amniotic sac."  She measured that baby was 11oz and developing perfectly along with my due date but told me to drink a LOT of fluid everyday to increase my amniotic fluid.  I was told if I felt decreased movement, to call.  Exactly a week later they had me come in because I hadn't felt him move for 3 days.  I had been drinking over 100oz of water a day, making myself sick to the point of nausea with all the water.  I went in and fluid was still way to low.  They let me go, told me the doctor would call me after reviewing.  The next day, the doctor called to make sure she knew of all my symptoms, I told her I had a spot that would randomly cross my vision too and that morning I threw up the water I tried to drink.  I was told to go to the ER.  I went, they gave me IV fluids, my blood pressure was slightly elevated but nothing alarming, and I felt 100% better after the fluids.  I was allowed to go home and told to drink 2 gallons of water a day, which was actually much easier to do now that I was rehydrated. 

Come just 3 days later, Sunday May 8, 2011 I was feeling just bad.  No headache or anything, just bad, and it had me in a foul mood.  My husband was going to be leaving for work in just 50 minutes with the only vehicle we own.  I would have then went to bed unknowning.  It suddenly clicked, I felt bad like this when my blood pressure was elevated over a year ago so I took my pressure.  My home machine, which has a very small cuff that doesnt fit right showing 160/117.  I thought it was wrong.  So I ran over to the store, got a new machine with a standard and larger cuff and came home.  I sat around for 15 minutes and took it again.  This time, on both arms it said 174/129.  I called my doctor on call and was told to come in right now.  They had me in the triage room at my hospital for several hours, took some blood and ran test.  The high risk doctor, whom I had just scheduled and appointment with for that week since my fluid was low and my blood pressure had been slightly high before, came in and told me the bad news.  She said the only reason she was not advising me to deliver right that minute was because I had a history of blood pressure issues before and started to question of Lupus or blood clotting disorders ran in my family.  Well it so happens my grandmother had both.  I was admitting and they gave me a magnesium drip and blood pressure medicine.  My blood pressure on arrival was 201/106.  Suddenly my labs came back bad.  Within a 24 hour period I was basically turning toxic.  I had developled HELLP syndrome and my platelets were dropping fast.  My doctors came to me and said the only way they could help me now was to deliver.  They did an ultrasound and baby was measuring 12 oz, this was 2 and a half weeks after I was told 11 oz.  I knew he had stopped developing, my pregnancy was attempting to terminate itself.  His heartrate that had always been 180, now was below 150.  My husband and I were heartbroken.  My family and his family was there the whole time, taking up the entire waiting area.  Within 18 hours of being admitted I started swelling up, badly.  My face was so swollen you could not recognize me.  The doctors told me they were worried for me in the worst way and I had to deliver. 

My platelets had dropped so low that I could not receive and epidural.  My doctor was upset for me, and she comfortingly rubbed my leg telling me the only thing she could do was give me morphine through the IV.  In a way I'm glad I couldn't have the epidural, because if for any reason we cannot have children, I know what it felt like to give birth.  Morphine, I will tell you, did not ease ANY of the pain.  All it did was relax every other muscle in my body so that the only thing I felt was my uterus contracting.  But that helped, for the first round of pitocin, it took 7 deep breaths for the contraction to pass, for the second round with a higher dose, it took 17 deep breaths for the contraction to pass.  I could do nothing but count my breaths because the pain was very consuming, but I was okay with that.  My son, was delivered at 3:13 05/11/11 with no heartbeat.  My little angel had already been taken into the arms of God and my Grandmother who passed just a few years prior.  I was allowed to hold him, and be with him for a while but I had them bring his body back the day after when all the morphine was out of my system and I could see him properly. 

I stayed in the hospital up until Saturday 5/14/11 because my blood pressure remained high.  My platelets went right back up, which was good, and my blood pressure had slowly came down, but still remained elevated.  I am home now, taking medicine and being told to go to the high risk doctor for a 16 vial blood test.  But, they did run some prelimenary panels already checking for some suspected conditions, but all came back negative so far.

My husband and I are sort of lost at this point.  Leaving the hospital with no baby was so hard.  Coming home, picking up the same routine, feels just wrong.  When I feel a gas bubble that feels so much like when he would move, I tear up.  I have read some stories on here and I realize that my sweet angel went peacefully and I did not have to see him struggle, but it doesn't stop the emptiness.  We had to go set up for the funeral today and it all feels so surreal.

My husband and I both agreed that we will try again, but now.... I am so scared that this will happen again.  I mean the doctors were so shocked at how fast it happened that it made them think that maybe there was an underlying cause, but I'm not so sure.  I have lost some weight from not eating for 2 days while in the hospital, then barely eating much after that.  I will try to lose more weight and try everything in my power to reduce my chances of this happening again.  I know some women who had this situation, but then went had 2 pregnancies with no problems at all.  Will I be so lucky?  I see other stories with women having it with every pregnancy and how .. AM I even strong enough to face this again? 

I wanted my baby so very badly.  I miss him so much.