I dont want an Angel I want my Grandson

Posted On Tuesday, November 29, 2011  by Lucy

This is my Story, I have lost my 1st Grandson (Scottie Jordan Cartagena) and my Faith and don't know how I could ever get it back nor do I know if I even want it back.

April 2011; The 1st thing that came to my mind when I heard I was going to be Grandma for the 2nd time was, how could I love another as much as I love my Layla, and then when I saw my grandson's sonogram picture for the 1st time, I knew; it just happens. How could one heart hold so much love?

October 5 2011; I planned my Grandson's funeral. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The last time I came close to this kind of lost and pain was when I had to plan his grandfather's funeral which was also an untimely death, I then had to break the news to my son that his daddy was dead, this is not normal or fair, My son is a GREAT DAD why!!!!!!!!!

I am grateful that I was giving the opportunity to hold my Grandson and rock him in my arms, to put his hand in my hand, and to whisper in his  ear how much I LOVE HIM and ALWAYS WILL.

When I'm asked how many grandchildren I have I will always include him in my count, because I have a grandson, he is my first grandson the one that was too perfect for this horrible world. There was nothing wrong with him , you is the split image of his big sister Layla, from his face to his hands, now when I want to see him I'll look into his big sisters eyes, and he will be right there. Thank you for being my GRANDSON on Saturday Oct 8th 2011 a Big piece of my heart will leave with him, and if it’s true that one day we will all be together, I hope he recognizes me and call out to me “Grandma I missed you”  because I will be missing you for the rest of my days and all of your 1st days, your 1st birthday, your 1st day of school and your 1st ball games, everything. And to God I have 3 words I HATE YOU!!! And to my family and friends, Please Don't Judge Me and I beg you don't talk to me about god, I do want to thank all my friends and family for all their emotional support.

October 26, 2011: Was supposed to be one of the happiest of days of my life, my 1st Grandson, was scheduled to be delivered by c-section ,  but he came and left us on October 4th instead I think about the first time I carried my grandson, and it wasn't anything like I had dreamed. I think about all the cute outfits and toys I was going to buy him, I was going to spoil him so terrible. I think ...about all those special times I was going to spend babysitting, and the 1st time he would call me Grandma. I feel cheated and so very angry. My grief is twofold, not only am I mourning the loss of my Grandson, I feel I have also lost a huge part of my Son and he will never be the same. I feel a sense of helplessness because I am unable to prevent the pain my own Son is going through. I want to protect him as I did when he was a little boy, but I can't no longer just kiss his hurt away, and My daughter-in-law, if I cannot imagine the pain she must be living with if I hurt this bad what the hell is she going through is unimaginable all she ever talked about was having a big family. Even when she was still pregnant she was already talking about her third. Life now seems more fragile and unfair than ever before. My heart is shattered and even my 3 yr. old granddaughter tells me she's sad and angry and she cries often, I ask her what's wrong and she'll either tell me "she angry" or sad", and when I asked her why she say's because she doesn't want her little brother to be an angel, she wants him home that she wants to kiss and play with him., I was going to help mom she one day..... I have lost my faith.