It's so hard for me to write what I need to write. I am continually
|It's so hard for me to write what I need to write. I am continually drawn back to this site to read stories from women who have shared in this horrible experience. Some days it seems unbearable. It's been almost three months since I walked in the Dr's office for what I thought was going to be a normal visit. It was anything but that. I knew the moment I stepped on the scale that something was wrong. I knew I had been swelling a bit, actually quite a bit. I figured it was normal. But I had called the Dr's office and they told me not to worry. It was my first pregnancy and I didn't know I should be scared, very scared. I was 24 weeks and about to experience the worst thing in my life. I had gained 20lbs in a little over a week,( I had only gained 10 lbs up till that point, so I knew this was bad) my blood pressure was extreme and there was protien in my urine. I really didn't know what it meant, but I knew by the reaction from the nurse taking my blood pressure and then the look on the Dr's face when she walked in the room that it was not good. We were sent directly to the nearest hospital. Still not really aware of how serious the situation was. I truly still thought it was just precauctionary. When we got the the hospital I was informed that I would be aerovaced to a hospital that was able to handle the neonatal care that would be needed. It was then that I began to sob. I was put on a MAG drip in the helicoptor and kept on it. My blood was taken twice daily, I was hooked to a monitor that took my blood pressure every hour, a nurse came in and checked on me every hour, and they did any ultrasound every night. There was constantly some alarm beeping, or someone bothering me. But I didn't mind as long as it meant he'd be ok. I was told that they wanted to try to make it to 28 weeks, that my son's survival rate would be greatly increased if we could just make it a few weeks. I convinced myself that I would sit in that hospital as long as needed, even the rest of my pregnancy. I barely made it a week, when the Dr's came in and said that my tests weren't getting better, in fact things were looking very bad. They told me I would have to deliver that day for the safety of my own life. I tried so hard to talk them out of it. Sure I felt horrible, but most of it was from the MAG. The last thing I wanted was to deliver. I wanted this baby more than I wanted to live. I didn't care about my life. They didn't care what I wanted. They tried to induse labor, but my body didn't seem to react and the baby's heart rate began to fall. They changed gears and said that I would have a C-section. I delivered a beautiful baby boy @3:00 P.M. on August 28th. They wisked him away to the NICU. I was then given a drug for the anxiety that put me to sleep. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night. I asked to see him, but they told me I must rest and relax, try not to get excited. They didn't want my blood pressure to get high. It wasn't till the next morning, after I proved I could get up that I was allowed to see my son. He was so small. Tubes everywhere. Way too small is all I could think. He was one pound six ounces. They said he was doing well, he was a fighter. The next few days I was kept very sedated. I only saw him a few times. On August 30th in the middle of the night the nurse came into my room and woke my husband and I and told us the NICU wanted us to come up. When we got there, a huddle of nurses scurried around the incubator. My heart broke. Please, let him be ok! He was having difficulties, and that they were doing all they could. When they put him in my arms I knew it was over. His little lungs had given out on him. We held him for awhile, my husband and I. Then our family. At some point I lost it. I wanted everyone to leave me alone with him. I am told they were afraid that my blood pressure would go crazy again with my increased aggitation, so they druged me again. I don't remember so much. I am angry at so many things. And I feel I missed out on that little bit of time I did have with him. This disease is not fair, it's silent, and there just isn't enough information. There are so many what if's still. I have recently been diagnosed with antiphospholipid anitbody syndrome. They say that it was the cause of the extreme case of preeclampsia. When we decide to get pregnant again I will have to be strickly monitered, I will give myself a shot twice daily of a blood thinner called Heprin and take baby asprin. I want children, yet there are days that I wonder if I could live through this loss again. My life will never be the same. I miss my son so much. It's so hard to see pregnant women or beautiful babies. I try so hard to smile and be happy for them. But I can't help but wonder why this has to happen and why it happend to me. Everyone says that time, love and faith will ease my pain. But really nothing does. There just comes a point that you can't cry everyday. But it doesn't seem to get easier. You just learn how to work the feelings into your life. They are always with us! And that's ok. I pray for all those who have unfortunatly lived through this experience or anything like it.|
After surviving a very traumatic first pregnancy with a nightmare delivery (30 hours of magnesium-induced hell, ending in an emergency c-section) and even more debilitating recovery, one would think I was DONE having children. Let's be ...