Don't know what to do????

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby melissam » Fri Dec 12, 637332 7:48 pm

I am so glad you asked this question. I just lost my little Kelsi a little more than 2 weeks ago. The pain is still so fresh. I am across the country at my parents place. But When I go home, I have to see my friends. One is 2 weeks ahead of me the other is 4 weeks behind me. I was due April 18th 2005. My sil just had a baby yesterday was a girl. I am so jealous. I don't think I will see her before I go back to DC. Luckily she is in Idaho and I am in Utah at the moment. I still can't drive after my C-section. My hubby said his mom had a hard time holding the new baby because we lost ours.

This is so difficult. I am grateful also for the advice of the others.

Good luck.

Mom to:
Riley 2/9/2000
Kelsi 12/30/2004 - 1/1/2005 Severe PE and Possibly HELLP

mel h.
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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby mel h. » Fri Dec 12, 637332 12:56 pm

Danielle, I just wanted to let you know how much I understand what you're going through with your sister in law. I have a friend and co-worker, whom I see every day, and she is nearly 30 weeks pregnant. It's so hard for me to be around her. It really sucks because you want to be happy for them and chat about their pregnancy with them, etc., but God, it just hurts so much! Then you feel guilty because you don't want them to think you're a jealous witch. I think people understand, though. I really do. Good luck and don't beat up on yourself about anything you might be feeling.

Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby tommysmommy21004 » Tue Dec 02, 637332 8:29 am


I think it's very normal to have the feelings that you are having and great that you are communicating these feelings to others, including your SIL.

Deanna Smith-Powers (30)

Mommy to Thomas James, b.2/10/04 @ 34 weeks due to severe pre-e and HELLP syndrome
Diagnosed with prothrombin genetic mutations-12/28/04

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby danielleberry » Tue Dec 02, 637332 6:29 am

Thank you Ladies,

I sent my SIL an email the other night explaining how I was feeling. It was probably a little impersonable but when she told me that she was pg, I know that I made her feel uncomfortable. I plan on giving her a call tonight to talk to see how things are going.

It's kind of weird. I thought that my situation was rare. Boy was I wrong. It's nice to know there is someone out there that I can talk to.

Thank you

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby kimb » Tue Dec 02, 637332 2:47 am

I too find it very difficult. I had a nephew born 3 weeks before I lost Will, and while I love my nephew dearly, I ache every time I see him or pictures of him. Friends of ours were due a few weeks from our due date - he is over a year old now and I haven't been able to see him yet. We can only take what we can take - and I'm sure most of us thought we could never go on if we lost a child, but we have managed. But we have to do what we need to for ourselves - sometimes it may feel selfish - but if it is what I need to do to get through - then that is the way I have to do it.

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby sharonda » Tue Dec 02, 637332 12:45 am

My best friend, my co-worker and my cousin were all pregnant after I lost Amaya. Your family will understand that you are in a fragile place. My family and friends were very gentle with me when it came to discussions and showers. There were others who were not. I just excused myself from the room when that happened. It is so important to take care of your feelings and emotions right now. Don't worry about hurting their feelings because they understand.

ShaRonda (29)
Amaya - HELLP and severe Pre-E at 21 weeks

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby heatherbbb » Mon Dec 01, 637332 1:52 pm

Well, after reading all of those posts, you must realize that you are in a very common situation. I agree with the others that you must do what is best for you now and hope that your SIL and MIL will understand. I'd recommend that you not put yourself in a situation you are not ready for, like going into a baby store. I wish you the very best!

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section for 1/18/05. Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks) Gestational Diabetes

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby kpowers » Sun Nov 09, 637332 11:22 am

Your feelings are normal. I can understand exactly where your coming from. If you want to be a support I always say talk to them if you still don't want to go shopping then don't they will understand, and if you do maybe give them a warning that you might walk in and not be able to do it. But they will understand. As jays mum said "I'm sure that you will find a way to support your SIL through her pregnancy - don't feel you have to do it in such a public and emotional place as a baby store, or be constantly on hand to talk about it - I'm certain that no one would expect so much from you. Take care."
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Just remember to take care of yourself frist.

Emma May Powers 12/12/04 sever PE

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby julie f » Sun Nov 09, 637332 10:24 am


I'm very close to my SIL and she became pg with her 2nd when I was a couple months along with Zach. We were so excited that the cousins would be close in age - Zach was due in October and her baby was due in February. Well, Zach came in July and lived only five days. Watching my SIL throughout the remainder of her pregnancy was heart-wrenching.

I have to agree with what Heather said - you take care of YOU. Don't try and do things just to make others happy. I did that and I regret it. I was so focused on trying not to make my SIL uncomfortable that I made myself absolutely miserable. Same thing with my other friends that had babies. I tried so hard to pretend that I was comofortable and ok around them that I just exhausted myself. In hindsight, I would've said "no" a lot more, I would've not worried so much about others' feelings, I would've taken care of me.

Hang in there and take care of you.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

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Re : Don't know what to do????

Postby fiona » Sun Nov 09, 637332 5:59 am

It is normal to feel so conflicted. My SIL and i were expecting at the same time with our first babies - I was due in November, her in September. I had Nate in August and he lived two days. At one point I didn't want my SIL at the funeral, but my dh helped me to let go of that anger - it still wasn't easy - her son, my nephew, was born exactly a month later at term. I dreaded Christmas - I had to leave the table, I was crying so hard, but my BIL brought Michael through to me, and being able to hug him was incredibly bittersweet. We were asked to be Godparents and I wept all through the christening too.

I guess what I'm saying in a very longwinded way is, that despite my own pain, I didn't want to reject my nephew, or shy away from children. I was lucky that my husband's family allowed me to weep my way through it without ever making me feel uncomfortable. Seven years later, my MIL always includes Nate when talking of her (now many) grandchildren.

I'm sure that you will find a way to support your SIL through her pregnancy - don't feel you have to do it in such a public and emotional place as a baby store, or be constantly on hand to talk about it - I'm certain that no one would expect so much from you. Take care.

dh Tom
ds Nate 12/8/97 - 14/8/97 26 weeks severe pre-e IUGR 1lb
ds Jay 4/11/98 30 weeks pre-e 3lbs 11 oz
no 3 due 15/6/05

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