Dealing with it all

[knhowell]

Looking back now I was quite oblivious to all the standard Preeclapsia symptoms from 24 weeks I had constant 'heart burn', headaches that I couldnt get rid off, blurred vision and just felt bluh. I had an appointment with my OB and explained that I feel like I am getting the flu, I just never get it. He dismissed it. A 27 weeks I was still 'bluh' and looked like a marshmellow (for me), after mums advice I went to the chemist to have my blood pressure checked. I am so glad I did, five readings later I went to hospital with readings 190 / 140... then the whirl wind began. In the space of an hour it went from you will be here for 4 hours observation, you'll be here over night, you'll need to stop working, we cannot handle your case here, the recieving hospital has requested you have a steriod injection as you will delivering you baby shortly.
I was put on magnesium drip so I could have another steriod injection in 24hrs before they deliver however on the magnesium I stabalised and they tried to get my another day closer to help the baby. Every day I was booked in for a c-section and each day at 10am I would receive the results to the blood test and they would say I could go another day. The doctors do not know why or how but I stabalised (on 3 different medications) i had a blood pressure of 150/100 and I was able to go three more weeks, with quite a few scares along the way. Each day was a day closer that I could have a natural delivery. For some reason I was so fixated on this, I am still not sure why. The doctor had told me at 29 weeks that if the baby was head down I could be induced. When the day came however they said I was just too sick and they needed to deliver now. My two sisters and my sister in law were all pregnant at the same time and all had healthy natural births before mine, I felt like my body was a failure. As a woman I couldnt do the one thing my body was designed to do.
I also feel that I blame the c-section for it all, I associate that for all the bad days and 68 blood test, 43 days in NICU and another 25 in Special Care Nursery. Silly I know but I just want that moment when you have a new born baby and the place the baby on your chest and you can stare down and see what you created. Has anyone else felt like this about a c-section. I am terrorfied I wont be able to deliver baby #2 when I become pregnant and will need another one. May be I will feel different when the baby is born and placed on my chest and I can have that blissful long first cuddle without any wires

[aajatwins]

Welcome to the boards Sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. I think you will find great support here.
I did have the same feelings you did about the section. We were largely unaware of any BP issues until my induction, so I associated everything going wrong with my induction-turned-emergency-section. It doesn't help that it's major surgery and the recovery is awful! but your expectations (like every new mother's) were to have a normal pregnancy with a beautiful delivery - and who would expect less? So I've found that when those expectations are shattered, it's very disappointing, even depressing. And couple that with not understanding or knowing much about what happened to your body, and it can seem overwhelming to deal with for months (it was for me, anyway). I hope you can find peace through knowledge and support.

A little ray of hope for you (maybe? I hope so): I was also in a very dark place during my 2nd pregnancy when I thought I was headed for another section. I would just cry. I knew the experience wouldn't be as bad and, if I could actually have the memory of delivering a baby however it happened, that would be a better experience. But I just hated the thought of it. This is what our bodies are designed for and so often, medical interventions (the unnecessary kind, if you will) get in the way of perfectly normal deliveries (just my take on it). Certainly, I needed a section with my twins, but I was so sure that my body could handle a vaginal delivery the 2nd time around. Well, I was right! I had to prod my OB along a little, but I got my VBAC. It definitely helped some old wounds heal. Not everyone gets a VBAC, but I'm sure some other women can weigh in on those second sections and I am told they are not as bad after the first one.

[knhowell]

Thank you so much for your response. It brought tears to my eyes but clarrified (what I knew all along) I require a new persepective. As my sister has said previously if, knowing what I know, experiencing all I have, would I go through it all again if I knew the outcome would be other child and I have to answer yes. My daughter has added nothing but love and happiness to our lives and is worth it all.

I have to go into the next pregnancy knowing what the outcome may be and hoping for the best.

Thanks again for sharing your story, this forum has definately helped me out of the dark phase to a place I can laugh and function again x

[aajatwins]

I'm so glad the forum has helped you. It took me months to return to something like normal and I truly had not totally healed until I had my 3rd son. It seems that it is much harder to deal with it all when you've been blindsided. So the good news about subsequent pregnancies is that you will not be blindsided. You are better educated and can, therefore, better advocate for yourself (and baby!).
I wish you hope and peace! and healthy pe-free pregnancies