Grieving after a subsequent birth

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby m » Sat Apr 24, 2010 08:32 pm

I have been having a rough time lately with grieving for my son since the birth of my daughter. I am so happy to have my daughter at home with me. I love caring for her and she has brought so much happiness to us.

But at the same time, I am thinking of my first baby, the big brother she will never know. Everything I do for and with Haley are things I was never able to do with Levi. It's just not right that we never got to bring him home, never got to dress him or show him off to our friends. I didn't have a baby shower for him and now people want to give me one for Haley, but I still don't feel like I can make it through one, even if it's for me.

I didn't expect my next baby to make everything better - I know I will always bear the loss of my son. But I didn't expect it to be this hard to deal with after I had been doing so well. I think people expect me to be able to celebrate Mother's Day this year, but I really don't think it will be any better than last year. I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate it.

I've been thinking about all this a lot lately and I'm sure there are others here who have dealt with the same issues. Anyone have any advice?
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby rosemary » Sun Apr 25, 2010 11:45 am

Maelyn - Mother's Day for me is bitter-sweet. I had my daughter Kayleigh first - she is now 21. For the years between having her and my last pregnacy, I enjoyed Mother's Day. It was a day to share with my daughter, Mom and sisters. Typically we would just hang out together - no special plans.

The first Mother's Day after losing Elliott was really hard...I didn't want to do anything...just wanted the day to pass. As the last few years have passed, it's not quite as hard...but it's not the same. I know that there will always be that sense of loss, wishing that life would have turned out differently.

So, if I could offer any advice, you should spend your day just as you wish to spend it. Just remember to be gentle with yourself. (((HUGS)))
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby annes » Mon Apr 26, 2010 10:05 am

I agree with Rosemary, Mother's day has not been the same for me since I lost Griffin, although it does get better. Maybe just plan to spend the day with your daughter quietly at home. I think thses occasions are always better when you make a plan ahead, and let everyone know what your plan is, so there are no expectations or hurt feelings. Take care of yourself.
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby brianned5 » Mon Apr 26, 2010 02:46 pm

I've felt the same way since I had my second daughter. My grief for Kylie is worse since I had Kyndall. That is not something I expected.
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby joker » Wed Apr 28, 2010 12:07 am

I felt the same way after I had my second daughter. It was like my grief and loss were all triggered again. I too did not expect it. Hugs.
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby ruairismom » Thu May 06, 2010 01:55 pm

I understand what you're going through, and feel happy that I'm pregnant (although also terrified that this baby will die, too) and sad that my son Ruairi should be alive and running around right now as a two year old. Since I've announced my pregnancy, everyone seems to think I'm "better", but I'll never "get over" the death of my son. It makes some things really hard for me, like answering strangers' questions about my pregnancy, and feeling guilty over missing Ruairi more than ever.
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby debbie78 » Fri May 07, 2010 10:21 pm

Just like the others commented-- I, too, found myself in a deep, dark tunnel of grief after Finn was born. Not at all what I expected. I thought he would be born and it would be sunshine and rainbows all day, but instead I found myself grieving so deeply for the baby I never got to bring home. I would nurse him and think of his sister, and felt so. much. guilt. over it.

I have since gotten much better (and Finn is nearly a year old now), but I think it has so much to do with avoidance. If it is baby-loss related, I don't go too deeply into it because my heart just can't take it.
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby love_the_daschies » Sun May 09, 2010 12:18 am

I also noticed the grief for Vincent feeling stronger since having Louis. My hubby and I talk more about Vincent, wonder what traits the brothers would have shared. I think having that second child reminds you of all the things you lost with your first baby.I don;t have any advice - but you can see you are not alone.
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby 4evermyangel » Mon May 10, 2010 09:11 am

I am so glad that you started this post. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with our second child after losing our first. I am starting to get really emotional about everything and Mother's Day was really hard yesterday. Everyone was asking me when I'm due and telling me how fast it would be here and then telling me Happy Mother's Day. I feel like everyone but me and dh have forgotten about Emma. Dh's grandma even made a comment to me at lunch time that next year I would get a card for Mother's Day! I wanted to get up and leave right then and there, I guess she doesn't feel that the 5 months Emma was here and fought to survive in the NICU are enough for me to be considered a mother!
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Re : Grieving after a subsequent birth

Postby annes » Mon May 10, 2010 09:28 am

Christine, I am so sorry about DH's grandma's insensitive comment. I feel like a lot of people are not comfortable with how to deal with the death of a baby, like maybe if they ignore it that is easier somehow. Not an excuse, just a reason. HUGS to you, I hope today is a little better.
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