Love, Strength, Miracle…

Post On Thursday, June 05, 2014 By Monika

Love, Strength, Miracle…

Love, Strength, Miracle…


Hello, my name is Monika I’m from a small European country – Bulgaria. I’ll tell you story about my experience of HELLP Syndrome.

When I was 23 years old, my husband was 30. We had a dream – to have a baby and every day for two years we dreamed of that time to come. I fancied how I carry a life in me until one morning my dream came true. There were two lines, two red lines! I was so happy… We were so happy.

I called my doctor and after a few days she officially announced my pregnancy. I was subjected to all the necessary tests – blood tests, genetic testing, screening, etc. Everything was alright.

During the 5th month I started having contractions and I was in hospital for 5 days. After that, every day I listened to classical music, caressed my belly and talked to my baby, my little boy.

One day I felt an awful pang in my abdomen. I remember that I couldn’t sleep all night. On the next morning I was in hospital, again. I couldn’t remember anything. Like it wasn’t happening to me.

I wondered if it was true or not.

Yes, it was true.

I remember being in a wheelchair and how I waved to my husband, and… that pain, and that fear in my heart.

I heard the doctor say: ”Don’t worry about the child, don’t care about it. Fast! Faster, we have to save the mother”.

I prayed for myself and the baby to stay alive.And for nothing, nothing else.

40 hours in the operating room. I was intubated. In that hospital there was no medical equipment to save my life. But the other hospitals refused to admit me (although I have insurance).

Scanner. Embolism.

Plasma, blood, more blood! And that voice which told me about what was happening with the baby, about the operations, about hysterectomy; about how the doctors cut me and what exactly they were doing to me. I thought “What the hell is that?”

I felt my body in the middle of a room, maybe a green room.

Coma. Coma. Coma.

It sounds so scary. Where were they moving me? I think there were 4 or 5 doctors, I heard different voices.

“Give me something! Faster! I can’t stop the blood. Everything is in blood. Push it. Hold her hand!” – said a doctor’s voice.

I was thinking ”My hand, oh no. I want my hand. Please, don’t cut my hand”.

My next memory is fear, fear, fear, but no pain. And that white light, so blinding.

Silence, peace, quiet.

I prayed again: “Oh my God, please, take me. I can’t fight anymore. I can’t. I don’t have enough strength”.

And that song “You Are Wonderful Tonight”. In my mind I saw my husband singing it. And I heard a voice in my head saying: “Don’t worry. You must be strong. You have a child. You are a mother. Who will take care of your son? Aren’t you going to fight? Don’t you wantto hear the word “mom”? You must fight because he is fighting for you”. I saw my baby, how small and premature it was. I hugged him. I loved him. And I knew I would be fighting for him.

I heard my husband’s voice and I felt his hand. But I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. I could only cry, cry in myself. I heard the heart monitor: beep, beep, beeeep….And that fear again. No, no… I was thinking: “I don’t want to die…” I heard a voice: ”Sorry, I have to change the bank”.

My next clear memory is how one of the doctors said to me: “Take a breath and coughstrength. You are my pride”.

“Where is my hand? I can’t speak. I can’t ask anyone what has happened. I don’t even know that I’m a mother. Where is my baby?”

Next memory…

Maybe 25 doctors were bent over me and they were looking at me. “Can she hear us? Does she know something? Hey, how are you? Tell us something, please”. But I really couldn’t.

“Who are these people? Why are they looking at me?”

Then in my mind appeared a red light with memories and dreams. I looked at my belly and I panicked, because I knew that there wasn’t any baby inside. However, my baby wasn’t next to me. If I was seeing lights up till that moment, now they haddied away. I was too scared to ask what had happened. The doctors told me that I had a baby, but we were in two different hospitals because of our physical conditions.

On the 29th day after birth I managed to walk on my own and they took me to my little boy – Vladislav. I saw him for the first time. I was standing secretly in the hallway and waited there for hours. It was dark, heavy and I could barely see through those dirty windows in front of me….

A loud noise sounded through the hall. My heart was beating so hard that I couldn’t hear anything. Then, for a moment it stopped beating, there was nothing on my mind. The whole pain and the absolute happiness, which can exist in the world, now existed in my head together at the same time. There was an ocean of tears in my eyes, which I tried to hide. I was smiling as never before in my whole life. This changed my entire world. Suddenly, I realized that this pure human being is my little baby – my child, my new world! At that moment I felt myself much stronger and ready for the “fight”, because I knew that I had to be with my child in these tough times.

Although I could see him through a glass window for only 2 minutes, I went to the hospital every day. I prayed and waited for this moment, when I could touch and hug him. And this moment actually came. After 45 days I touched my new world and hugged my dreams for the very first time.

I’m proud of him and his strength. Believe me, these little children are the strongest human beings in the world. Therefore, when they annoy you in the future, don’t forget that they have extremely tenacious character and they are doing their battle at all costs.

I would like to thank my husband, who was with me during this tough period, my parents, who prayed for us, our friends, who gave us such huge support. I would like to extend my gratitude to the doctors, who saved my life, also to the doctor, who took care of my treasure and who continues doing it even now.

I share our story and I hope that it would give support to other mothers. Be strong and believe!

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