Surviving Preeclampsia/HELLP. "Having my son River" September 2015 baby.

Post On Saturday, May 07, 2016 By Brittany

Surviving Preeclampsia/HELLP.

Part 1

I was scheduled for a planned c section on October 14, 2015 around 39 weeks. River arrived at 36 weeks instead on September 24. It all really started a few days before he was born. I hadn’t been feeling well a few days leading up to his birth and had this weird sense of “impending doom” you could say. I actually got really depressed and weepy and felt so tired and ill. Intuition I guess. The day before I had him I especially started feeling bad and having a strange sharp squeezing and shooting pain right behind and above my belly button, sometimes in my ribs. It came and went in a pattern like contractions but it wasn’t contractions and I was not in labor. My back was hurting between my shoulder blades too. I was already exhausted from the pregnancy and my upper body hurt so badly because I had a rib kicked out of place by the baby and had gained 60 pounds. I also had started getting swelling the week before having him, which was odd because with my first son Jaden I didn’t have any till 41 weeks, and this was BAD swelling. I remember we had chicken pot pies for dinner that night and I had felt so hungry but couldn’t finish my food, and every time I ate or drank anything the pain became worse. I went in Jaden’s room with him and read him some books and laid in his bed and watched him play. Then I went and tried to sleep through the pain before my night shift at work. I didn’t sleep much at all. Woke up, still having pains and wondering if I should just call in, but figured it was regular pregnancy stuff still and told myself I only had a few more weeks left to deal with it all. Drive to work feeling nervous wondering if I should call in last minute. Going from feeling hot to cold and heart beat is uneven. Get to work, make a comment to co-worker Dustin that I feel funny. He leaves and I feel nervous watching him go. The next few hours it comes and goes and I have my regulars come in. I get my last truck at work, Jack, and tell him I feel very unwell and he tells me to call co-worker Carol in because “he doesn’t know how to deliver a baby and doesn't want me having it on the floor” (haha) and usually I laugh it off and tough it out, but I decide to call her. I try to call all my other co-workers first and no one answers, I also try to call my boyfriend James, and then my mom, and my sister Chelsea and NO ONE answers. I get ahold of my co-worker Carol and she seems to think it’s a false alarm and tells me she is going to shower and then she will be here. I hang up annoyed and relieved at the same time. It ends up being another HOUR before Carol gets there and at this point I’m in a lot of pain, shaky, and dizzy. I brush it off and go ahead and start driving myself home because no one would answer their phones to pick me up. As I’m driving home I realize the danger in it and notice that it’s almost 3am on a week night, everything is closed and I’m the only car on the road, it’s pitch black out. I have to pull over 3 times on the 20 minute drive home because it feels like I’m having a heart attack or going to pass out. I’m shaking and shocked that no one answered their phones, and at this point I realize something is very wrong with me. I start to think maybe it’s food poisoning because my stomach starts getting upset and I’m nauseated. I think to myself that it could be my appendix maybe? I was able to get ahold of Jaden’s grandpa Dan because he was still awake and online. I make plans with Dan and Jaden's Grandma Tammie to have them pick Jaden up once I am home. I get home and I’m freezing and I try to rush James into getting things together. Tammie & Dan get there about a half hour after me. At this point it’s close to 4am already. I feel bad not being able to tell Jaden bye or what’s going on. I sit on the couch and Dan carries him to the car and I talk to Tammie and she ask if I think I’m in labor. I tell her I don’t know even though I can tell this isn’t labor at this point but I don’t want her to worry. They leave and I sit there and am so tired and start feeling slightly better for a few minutes so I tell James that I want to wait a bit longer before going to the ER in case I’m actually okay and it all passes. So I waste myself another 20 minutes or so before it gets even worse and we quickly leave. In the car I go from hot to cold and am so tired and dizzy and have to go to the bathroom and am so nauseated. I cannot get comfortable. We get to the ER and they cannot figure out what to do with me. I have to wait 20 minutes and then I get pushed in a wheel chair by an airheaded guy to the ER. He seems lost and even tells me he doesn’t know where I need to go, and then another nurse tells him to send me to Labor & Delivery. They take me up there and it’s a bumpy ride, and he keeps saying sorry. The nurse’s station seems confused on what to do with me also. They finally bring me into a room and monitor me for contractions and what not, and tell me they can find nothing wrong with me after about 45 minutes. I tell them everything I’m experiencing, and I get discharged with this: “false labor and abdominal skin stretching”. I am frantic and furious because I know this pain is NOT from my skin being stretched. They treat me like I’m whining or being a baby and tell me to come back if I’m ACTUALLY having some contractions or a fever or something. We get in the car and head home and I’m actually feeling better even though I’m mad.

 
Part 2
We get home and I immediately feel awful again, but I try to lay down. I’ve been up for almost 24 hours at this point because I didn’t really sleep much before my Wednesday night shift. I tell James to leave everything in the car in case we need to go to the hospital again (smart move.) I want to make sure I have my necklace with my dad’s ashes in it and Randy’s (special friend who passed away) baby blanket. It’s now Thursday morning, close to 6am and I get into bed with my body pillow and try to sleep. I do fall asleep and so does James. I wake up frequently tossing and turning and only sleep a total of two hours before I’m feeling bad enough that it wakes me up fully. I open my eyes but I can’t see anything!!!! I realize I can’t really hear anything either, my ears are ringing. This completely freaks me out as I’ve never not been able to see or hear. My legs feel weak and I’m doubled over in pain. I slide out of bed and crawl to the bathroom. I get the door closed and feel my way to the toilet and start throwing up. I try to call for James but I can’t talk. I feel slightly better a few minutes later and can see again but my vision is blurry. I slowly stand up and turn the sink on and rub cold water on my face, chest, and stomach. I walk out of the bathroom and wake James up and tell him we have to leave now and go back to the hospital. I think he thought it was another false alarm too because he is moving a little slowly for my liking so I get snappy and tell him to get with it. He had been zipping his hoodie up and it snagged so he slowly unzipped it and re-zipped it. I remember thinking I didn’t care if he was in his underwear, we needed to leave now haha. At this point I think in my mind I realize I’m dying but I don’t want to say it out loud and panic James since he will be driving me again and on little sleep. We get into the car and I’m feeling horrible. The drive seems so long. We get back to the hospital and it’s a different receptionist/nurse working at the ER desk. I explain that I was there just a few hours ago and that I’m getting worse. More confusion and they act annoyed that I’m back. I get up to labor and delivery and at this point my memory gets a little fuzzy. I remember going around the hall and seeing the doors open and getting wheeled in with all the nurses staring at me. They look curious yet annoyed to see me. They chit chat and then get me into a room again. I don’t remember putting one on but I know at some point I get into a hospital gown and am in bed. I get asked the same questions again. I retell the same story of not feeling well for a week, feeling VERY unwell the previous night, and emphasize the pain I’m having at my belly button. I give my history and explain that complications were already expected for my delivery and that is why we are having a planned C-section next month. I explain that I’ve had a high risk pregnancy and that I’ve had about 10 ultrasounds and that something is wrong with my placenta and the veins in the cord too. I tell them my placenta is up front, right where my belly button is. They are still moving slowly and try to keep me calm and treat me like any other pregnant woman that has been there. I insist this is NOT a normal pregnancy and that something is wrong and explain that I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the last YEAR, and that I almost died on my own birthday with the second one from hemorrhaging. They still act completely stoic. I think I slightly gave up at this point and I lay back and try to rest. They do tests on me this time and check my urine. I am feeling worse after a few hours. They keep telling me “the baby is moving and his heart is perfect, moving is always good”. They call my doctor and tell her she doesn’t need to be there, that I am fine. While I wait on the urine results, the baby starts moving a LOT more. I tell the nurses and they tell me “oh that’s good, great sign.” I knew it was not a good sign. He never moved THAT much and he was not stopping. The rolling and kicking goes on for literally an hour. It feels like he is frantic and fighting and struggling. I tell the nurse that he doesn’t move this much, it’s not normal for him, and that it feels like he is drowning in there the way he is struggling. They assure me everything is fine but I know something is wrong with him, or that he knows something is wrong with me. I discuss with James that I’m mad and worried and think about leaving and going to another hospital. But it’s mostly whining because my gut tells me I probably won’t make it to another hospital and through all the admission small talk. I go over with him what to tell my family if I get to the point I can’t text or call them. I’ve heard back from Chelsea and my mom and tell them I feel bad but that I doubt the baby is coming, which is what the nurses told me, that my cervix was checked and isn’t doing anything, no contractions, and that it will all be fine. After these conversations, nurses and a female doctor come back in and explain to me that there is protein in my urine and my blood pressure is dangerously high after having been unusually LOW my whole pregnancy. They tell me that something is wrong with me. They just don’t know what is wrong with me. They begin to ask me a lot of questions and gradually more nurses come in as I progressively get worse.They want to know about my pregnancy history and I again explain the same stories. They tell me after a while that I have an infection but they don’t know where and that my white blood cell count is not okay. The doctor tells me that they don’t know what to do for me so they are calling in a specialist, a high risk OB. I have been to this office before for special ultrasounds. The doctor tells me that the specialist will be there soon and check me out, and that I might have to do amniocenteses. If there is an infection in my fluid, I will have a C-section that day. I remind them that I am O- in blood type and that I am a bleeder ever since my pregnancies that ended in miscarriages. I hemorrhage at the slightest release of blood. I continue to feel worse and at this point I am starting to get an adrenaline rush. I ask James to leave the room and get a hold of my family to update them with the latest news. After making sure he is gone, I pop up in bed and turn to the doctor and tell her I am dying and that I am serious. I beg her to take me in for a C-section immediately. I tell her I know something is seriously wrong and I can literally feel my life draining out of me. I keep telling them to get the baby out of me. They tell me to lay back down and wait. I start crying but I have no choice so I listen. I don’t feel the baby moving anymore so I tell the nurse. Suddenly I get very dizzy and I feel like I can’t breathe. The pain in my stomach peaks and out of nowhere my hearts races faster than ever before, it just accelerates without warning. I sit up and I cry and beg the nurses to help me. I am saying “help me” and the door opens. Just then the specialist comes in with a group of nurses behind him. I know they are there hoping to see me discharged because they are tired of my noise. He looks at my heart monitor screen and ask the nurse if it’s an accurate and current reading. She looks too and seems surprised and says yes. Another nurse thought it was the baby’s heart for some reason, I guess because it was so high. She checks me and realizes the belt slipped and that they no longer have a heart beat on the baby and they don’t know for how long. The specialist looks at my face and runs over to me and puts his hands on my cheeks and then feels my neck. My body starts to go limp and I can’t hold my head up and he yells at me to tell him what is wrong and what I am feeling, but I just can’t. I have been up for 31 hours and at the hospital all morning, I am exhausted. It’s now almost 2pm and I can barely see again or talk. I just cry and tell him I am dying and to get the baby out now. I say “they wouldn’t listen to me” and I can tell instinctively that he can help me. He yells at the nurses and asks where my doctor is. A nurse says that they told my doctor they thought I was fine and not to come. He yells at them to get my doctor there right now. He lays me back on the bed. James comes back in confused and I try to get James to explain the past day to the Dr, but no one seems to understand and is in a panic. The specialist tells me I am having a C-section right away. I tell James to leave again and call everyone immediately. The last thing I tell him is to tell Jaden that I love him. At this point I am convinced the baby is already gone and that I am going to die. I am angry at myself that I didn’t kiss Jaden before Dan & Tammie left with him. About 10 nurses are now in the room and running in and out yelling and doing things. I get wheeled out and they rush me down to surgery. On the way they try to ask me questions but I have been asked a millions times. They ask if I have ever been put under. I say twice in 1 year for miscarriages. I don’t answer any more questions and I ask my own. I ask them if I’m going to die. I ask them if my baby is going to be okay. They tell me they are going to do the best they can to save my life. I stop talking the rest of the way because to me that meant they didn’t think I was going to make it. I think of Jaden and I think of the baby and how much my mind and body has gone through to get this far. I ask myself if it was all for nothing and I don’t know that answer. I broke my body for a year and a half trying to carry and have another baby, and now I think I will not have him, and not only that, I will be leaving my living child without a mother. I think of my mom being told I was fine one minute and then the next minute James will be calling her telling her to get here now. I wonder if my mom and sister will get here before I die. I think of how they probably just think I’m having the baby. I worry about James. I think of James not understanding pregnancy or delivery much yet in the first place, but especially not understanding “Brittany style birth.” I always translate “doctor/pregnancy” language for him so he knows what is going on, and now I will be knocked out or dead and unable to tell him anything. I think of my sister Chelsea and how she will feel about not being there when I die, after having been there for me the last time I hemorrhaged and for all of my appointments. Then I can’t decide if I am glad she won’t be there to see that. I think of my little sister Hannah and how much she needs me after our dad died and that I am the rock of the sibling group. I can’t handle that thought and I definitely can’t handle my guilt of dying and leaving Jaden, so I think of my death itself. I talk to my dad and Randy, and all my other loved ones that are gone already and tell them to be ready for me and stay with me while I die and once I’m dead. We are in the surgery room now. I am freezing and my adrenaline is going but fear starts to hit me. I start having convulsions and I try to ask questions but no one listens. I ask if they are going to give me a spinal or pain relief (like my C-section with Jaden) and they tell me there is no time. I cry again and ask if I am going to wake up during the surgery and a man in a mask gets in my face and tells me that they can’t give me as much medicine as usual because they have to think of the baby too. He tells me I may wake up during the surgery this time. I will have no pain medicine. My heart feels like it’s going to explode and they put the oxygen mask on my face. Everyone is rushing around me except one nurse, a woman in her 40s or so. I grab onto her arm and tell her I am scared and to hold my hand so that I’m not alone when I die. She holds my whole arm and strokes it and starts praying for me out loud. This makes me cry but feel calmer. As she is praying someone edges her away from me and she has to let me go. I get mad and just cry. They strap my legs down firmly and then strap my arms down too. I’m in the shape of a cross. I’m super claustrophobic and I hate the feeling of behind held down, it just traumatizes me more. They remove the mask and shove a breathing tube down my throat while I'm still awake, it chips my bottom tooth in half and I throw up onto my face and choke. I have one of those irrational thoughts of “hmm I’ll just tell them I changed my mind and feel better and want to go home.” Finally I just try to breathe calmly and deeply. I have no idea what’s going on outside this room right now. They don't allow James in the surgery room. I wonder what James is thinking and doing and if he is telling my mom and sister what is going on, and telling them right. I’m wishing I could call my sister and tell her I’m sorry for getting myself into a situation that I knew could kill me from the start and that I’m sorry I’m leaving her to be the oldest and in charge. I think about this little baby in my belly and how we almost made it, we were so close. We had a few weeks left. It’s a little after 2pm now and I think Jaden will be getting out of school soon, not knowing Tammie & Dan kept him home that day. I think about what they will say, and how they will tell him I am gone. This is my most crushing thought and I try to focus on acceptance of myself dying instead. I think of how I always said and thought I would die young. My whole life I told people that and told myself that I knew I would die young. I am wishing that I would have never said it. I am 24 years old. Back into reality, everyone is standing over me and they still do not have that blue sheet up in front of me. Monitors are going crazy and they start giving me shots directly into my abdomen where they are going to cut. My belly is in the way so I can’t see completely, but I feel the first needle and see them do this a few more times. They try to hold my head down and they start counting backwards. I see them start cutting me and then finally start putting a sheet up. My doctor doesn’t make it in time to do my C-section. I have no idea who the person behind the mask is that is delivering my son. I look up at the ceiling and I remember taking a deep breath and sighing in defeat but in a peaceful way, and then I was out.
 
 
Part 3
I wake up in a room and know right away where I am. Somehow I’m alive and just had a C-section. It’s bright in the room and there is one nurse to my right typing on a computer. I'm in a recovery room. Instantly the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life came over me. I have had a previous C-section and had kidney stones, and been in lots of situations of intense pain. This was the kind of pain that MADE me wish I was dead. I felt like a crazed animal. I have a high pain tolerance but I could not handle even a touch of this. I started screaming and thrashing around in the bed. The nurse tries to calm me and then has more nurses come in. I am screaming that it hurts and to give me pain medicine and they tell me I can’t have any yet. I realize that I just went through a major surgery with no pain medicine other than local injections that are completely worn off. My middle feels like it is on fire, being stabbed, and ripped apart all at the same time. I keep choking for air from the intensity of the pain. I also realize I’m extremely thirsty. The thirstiest I have ever been. It feels like my throat had been lit on fire. I beg for water. I am tired of begging for things around here. They tell me no. I can’t eat or drink for a while. I am scared to ask about the baby and avoid it for a while. I finally ask if he is okay and did he live and they tell me yes. I don’t believe them though because of the last day I have endured with them. I scream that I want my family in there and they tell me I can’t have anyone in yet. I was unaware that they lied to my family and told them I was okay and doing great and in recovery. I was not okay. I suddenly feel something familiar: a hemorrhage coming on. I tell the nurse I’m bleeding out. She moves slowly and tells me I’m “supposed to bleed” after having a baby. I start getting icy cold and I am shaking uncontrollably and getting weak as blood pours out of me. She checks me and realizes I am indeed bleeding too much. She pumps my stomach to get it to contract. My pain peaks when she does this and I scream and try to fight her off and tell her to stop until they can give me pain meds. The nurse is younger than me and starts to cry. I feel like a teenager is taking care of me. She is scared and doesn’t know what she is doing and she yells over her shoulder “Can I get someone more experienced in here” while she pumps my stomach. Other nurses come in and get her out of the way. They hold me down and pump my stomach. I cry but after a few minutes my bleeding slows. I finally get a compassionate nurse that says I can see my mom now. My mom and sister comes in and I can tell they are expecting me to be okay. I also can tell they realized fast that I wasn’t. My mom came over to the bed and I grabbed on to her and begged her to make it all stop. She is confused and asks the nurse questions and wonders why I am in so much pain. The nurses play it all down and pretend I am over reacting and that nothing went wrong. I keep screaming and thrashing and I beg my mom to let me die, I tell them I just want to die. Usually I censor my pain, emotional or physical for my family, I’m the strong one. There was no toughing this one out. I know it scared them to see this and they knew it was bad if I was acting this way. I felt another bleed and more pumping on my uterus, and more pain. I beg for a drink. I ask my family if the baby is okay, and he is. I feel happy to know that. But I’m still in the middle of this hell and it’s not even close to over.
 
 
Part 4
It feels like hours that I am screaming in pain. I am getting worse so I have to go to ICU. Not a surprise at this point. I’m wishing I would have died during surgery instead of waking up only to know I was still dying, except this time I will be awake and feel tortured while I die. Still no water or pain medicine. As I’m being taken to the Intensive Care Unit we realize my family can’t come in with me. I freak out even more. We get separated and the nurses lie again and tell me that my mom can come in as soon as I get to a room and get hooked up. I don’t know where James is now, but I find out later he is with the baby in the NICU. I get to a room and they hook me up and then I bleed out again. They slow my bleeding and then tell me they will be right back. I beg them not to leave me alone. I feel death getting closer again and I am terrified. They leave the room and I sit there in shock and pain. Lots of talking going on outside the room and after several minutes they come back. Losing more blood. They tell me I will need blood transfusions. I remind them I am O- and beg for my family. They still tell me no water, no meds, no family. Now I’m just mad at the world. I tell them I want nothing and that I don’t know how this experience I’ve had is even legal, and to let me die. They prep my arms to receive blood. A doctor comes in to talk to me and tells me that I’m still sick. Blood pressure is high, my heart is enlarged, and my blood count is insane. I haven’t met this doctor before, and he is very rude. I ask for a drink and he lies and tells me I can have one after I get blood. Finally my family can come in. My mom is allowed to give me ice chips. I can’t think straight and my body feels so worn out. They pump my stomach some more and I hold my mom’s hand or my sister’s hand and cry each time. Blood keeps pouring out of me. At some point they tell me I can finally have pain medicine. I am so weak and fuzzy at this point that I can’t remember everything. I tell them morphine has no effect on me for some reason and to please give me something else. They give me pain meds and they don’t help fully, but they make the pain bearable. I must have rested at some point or slept, and gotten blood. I asked to see the baby and they told me I could for a minute. I had him at 2:13 pm and still had not seen him and it was now very late. It killed me that I missed being awake and having him put on my chest and being the first one to see him after everything I had been through as a mother to have him. I still struggle with that now. They wheeled me down in the bed to see him. They brought him out of the NICU swaddled and laid him on my hospital bed next to me. James took a few pictures. I couldn’t hold him but I got to see him and he of course looked so beautiful and perfect to me. They got me back to my room and I felt better getting to see him. After being in ICU awhile I got moved back to the recovery room I started in. I finally got to hold baby River and I cried seeing him all hooked up to everything. The nurses said they were watching my monitors in the other room because I was still hooked up, and they told me that my heart rate and everything improved when I was holding him. They told me they wanted to get me down there as much as possible because he was helping make me better. Recovery was hell. They were quicker and rougher cutting him out of me so it didn’t feel like a “normal C-section” recovery. The pain was so intense. It made my C-section with Jaden seem like a small scratch. They checked my heart and it was no longer enlarged. My blood results kept coming back poorly though. I ended up in the hospital for a week. When I was released, River was still in the NICU. It was difficult going home without him, and hard going back to that place to see him. I hated being there, but loved seeing him. He got to come home at exactly 2 weeks old. On my last day in the hospital, and my follow up a week later, the doctor’s explained to me that I was about 30 minutes from death when I had the surgery done. That specialist saved my life for sure, and River’s too. My body was shutting down. All of my organs were failing when I was put under. I hemorrhaged during the surgery, and several times after while in recovery. They could barely keep up with my blood loss. I remember while I was in the ICU a doctor coming in and looking shocked to see me sitting up. He told me he thought they were going to lose me. I was told I was very close to being airlifted to a better hospital, but I started stabilizing. My diagnosis was HELLP Syndrome. I had been at the doctor for a routine checkup just days before, and was told I was in perfect health. Symptoms I complained about were overlooked though. Like the swelling, back/shoulder area pain, and weight gain. I was rapidly gaining weight at the end, sometimes more than 5 pounds a week. But my blood pressure and urine was normal so they did not suspect Preeclampsia or Hellp Syndrome. That just shows how fast things can change. One day I was fine, the next I was 30 minutes from death. Hellp Syndrome is rare and only happens during pregnancy but it’s very serious. There is no known cause or cure. The only way to get rid of Hellp syndrome is by delivering the baby, which is why that specialist rushed me to surgery. You can look up Hellp syndrome and preeclampsia if you want to know more about it, please educate! It is sad that I suffered in a medical setting so long with so many clueless nurses and doctors. I had been warned about preeclampsia from my dr, and feared Hellp syndrome my whole pregnancy. I learned about HELLP syndrome from a post on Facebook similar to my story that I am writing now. A woman had a similar experience but her baby did not make it. I was about 9 weeks pregnant with River when I read her story. I even told the nurses at one point that I thought that’s what was wrong with me, but they shushed me. No one would listen. If I had not read her story, I would have been clueless. I am the one who told the nurses what was wrong with ME, it's supposed to be the other way around. If they had listened or tried harder or known what they were doing, my delivery could have gone better and my recovery would have been normal. Hellp syndrome RAPIDLY gets worse, so every hour they made me lay there I got weaker and closer to death. If they had thoroughly examined me and done a C-section first thing, I would have only been having abdominal pain. I was told not to have any more kids. I was told I was lucky I even lived through this one, and that if you have Hellp syndrome once, you will very likely get it again. Since my body took so horribly to it and to the pregnancy in general, I was told it was too risky and that I would almost certainly die if I try for a 3rd in the future. I’ve decided after living through that, that I will be thankful for Jaden and River and try to be here as long as I can for them and not try to have anymore kids. I will probably be getting my tubes tied within the year because I cannot risk getting pregnant. Even my prior 2nd miscarriage at only 10 weeks almost killed me when I bled out (on my own birthday). I definitely want to be here for my boys. It was so good to get out of that hospital! I was happy to be home but a few weeks later started having panic attacks and flashbacks. I got diagnosed with PTSD from the whole experience. It’s been almost 6 months since I had River and I still get light headed and freak out when I have to go to the doctor or be at a hospital, but I am doing better. It’s a tough situation because one of the worst days of my life was also one of the best days because I had River. It makes me sad that when I look back on his birth I have to remember such trauma. It makes me angry to think of the inexperience of the people that were supposed to do their jobs and help me. But it also makes me happy to know my family was there with me, and that out of 20 people who saw me, 1 doctor knew within seconds that I was literally on my death bed, and helped me to have a healthy precious little baby boy. I realize so many women have lost their sweet babies to HELLP, and sometimes their own lives, I am thankful every day for life.
 
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