For those who have experienced the loss of their expected pregnancy experience, the end-of-year holiday season can be a time of grieving. Grief can manifest as anger, sadness, irritability, frustration, or even avoidance and "checking out" of normal behaviors or traditions. It may also show up as a sudden emotional reaction to something in your social media feed or that you view in your world. As human beings, we picture the way that we expect things to be. Unfortunately, preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome can often rob us of that picture.
Grief and loss experts note that feelings of disappointment at the holidays are very normal when you've experienced the loss of a loved one, or a traumatic experience.
“Grief is the natural response to being aware of a loss and, during the holidays, you are going to be more aware because we carry out all the rituals we’ve always done with the people we’re close to,” explained Mary-Frances O’Connor, associate professor at the University of Arizona, and author of “The Grieving Brain.”
While it is impossible to avoid everything that may create reminders or additional grief, there are some ways that you can protect yourself and set healthy boundaries:
*If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and unable to function, please seek professional help. Please use the information on our Birth Trauma Resources page to seek out professional support who understands birth trauma and/or perinatal loss. You can also contact the U.S. Health and Human Services Department’s Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) Maternal Mental Health Hotline, a confidential, toll-free hotline for expecting and new moms experiencing mental health challenges. The hotline is accessible by phone or text at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262) in English and Spanish. The Maternal Mental Health Hotline is not intended as an emergency response line and individuals in behavioral health crisis should continue to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
It is completely normal to feel grief during the holidays, even if you experienced non-death loss, such as the loss of your expected pregnancy or postpartum experience. Grief can happen or continue even years after the experience. Remember, grief isn't linear. During times like the holidays, emotions are already running high so it is normal for grief or sadness to come up as well. It is important to take care of yourself all year, but especially during the holiday season. Warm wishes for a peaceful holiday season.
This original article was published in December 2022; updated with new HRSA hotline number in March 2024.
Doulas can help bridge the gap for any mom, but especially those most vulnerable to maternal illness and death.
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