My husband and I were so excited when we found out that were pregnant with our first. We got pregnant quickly and everything was going really well, I felt great.

During the first round of blood work they did, they found that my AFP level was very slightly elevated. I was sent to an MFM doctor who said that the baby looked great, no spina bifida. But I was told that it could be an issue with a placenta and was then sent on my way because everything looked good.

At my 20 week appointment with my MFM I was told that the baby was measuring about 2 weeks behind and was sent for genetic testing. There was so much focus on the genetic piece of it, preeclampsia was mentioned once with no additional information. At that time, I was also told that I needed to a different MFM. This was 3 days before Christmas 2021. I struggled at that point to get an appointment and after multiple calls to get help, someone finally scheduled me for January 4th, 2022. Nearly three weeks after that devastating appointment that my baby was behind.

On NYE 2021, I started having a dull ache under my right breast, which slowly turned into pain in my upper back and a tight feeling in my chest by Saturday. By Sunday I was unable to sleep, due to extreme discomfort but no “stabbing” or “sharp” pains. As a FTM I assumed it was bad indigestion and a normal part of pregnancy. As I laid in bed at 2:30AM questioning whether something was actually wrong, I got my genetic testing results back. Everything was negative, I cried because I felt so relieved that my baby was OK.

By Monday morning, I still didn’t feel good. All I could say about it was that I just didn’t feel “right”. I decided to message my OB, who unfortunately was out of the office that day. A nurse from the office ended up calling me back about an hour later saying she didn’t think it was pregnancy related. That answer, for whatever reason, didn’t sit well with me and I decided to call my PCP and ask for an urgent appointment.

Monday afternoon I met with my PCP and reported blood pressure of 174/104 and was told to drive myself over to the maternity unit at the local hospital.

5PM on Monday and I am in a hospital bed with blood being drawn. My mother met me there as my husband was working about an hour away. When she arrived the nurse calmly told both of us that I was critically ill and they were going to need to transfer me to a hospital that could care for me better. This was the first I ever heard of HELLP. I was only 22 weeks along.

I was transferred to a hospital that could deal with someone as critically ill as I was and had a NICU that could handle an early delivery. They graciously waited for my husband to arrive after work so he could be with me. Needless to say, I was terrified.

Trying to stay hopeful, my husband and I arrived at the next hospital praying that everything would be OK. My baby had a heart rate of 150 and was moving all around, we both tried to hang our hats on the hope of bed rest. Unfortunately, blood work every 4 hours showed that I was rapidly declining. My liver enzymes were sky high and my platelets had dropped to 38.

We consulted with every doctor they had available, including a wonderful gentleman from the NICU. They didn’t want to keep me pregnant for another 24 hours. My baby was only 240 grams and we were told that there was nothing they could do if I delivered and the chance of be bleeding out was too high. Our only option was a D&E if I was going to survive.

I could have never imaged a world where I needed to decide to end my child’s life to save my own. The guilt is unreal, but the anger of not knowing the signs and not getting to the right doctors sooner overwhelms me daily. In the same breath I am so grateful for the incredible doctors I met in the hospital and the fact that I will get the best care possible should I decide to try again in the future.